NPD adoptive mother dying & flying monkeys

[mayajoones]

Hello,

My NPD adoptive mother is 77yo, has had cancer for 15 years and is now near death. After being no contact for almost three months, I was contacted by one of her friends (her only friend in that city) who told me that my NPD a-mom is dying.
Since last Friday both that person and my cousin (that I suspect to be narcissistic too) have been pressuring me to come back to her city to look after her, to look after the admin stuff and to say goodbye to her. They have initially told me my NPD a-mom was to die in the next few days so I would need to come quick then when I was hesitant and mentioned I have a severe disability they started to insist and tell me I should bring my partner with me who would look after both of us even if he has a job, then they started to say that they just couldn't look after my mother either way and that my mother was refusing every option they mentioned to now either be extremely cold and emotionally abusive when I am saying I am not coming (my cousin) or I will regret not saying goodbye to my NPD a-mom in person, even if they know she has been abusive towards me (her friend).

It appears that every reason I give them, which are all valid, are not enough for them and they just do not give a damn about my needs, boundaries and decisions.

Their tactics are working because I have even broken no-contact. My NPD a-mom is now crying on the phone, saying we shouldn't stay cross at each other (as if I have done anything to her and of course she doesn't acknowledges her abuse) and now that she is realising she needs to stay at the hospital, I need to come and see her because she is at the end.

I am tired that once again my needs are unmet and not respected. I am tired that I am shamed and guilt-tripped for wanting to protect myself (whether it is my mental or physical health).

I am very close to block both of their numbers so they stop contacting me as I know they won't stop blaming me and such until NPD a-mom dies. And when NPD a-mom dies and I haven't seen her or gone to the funeral, I am sure they are going to keep at it one way or another.

I am very glad I have moved abroad and cut chords with this dysfunctional abusive family. It was the best decision I have ever made, even if it hurts to know that I lost my biological family and my adoptive family..! But I can feel the shame and guilt rearing back in and I do not know if I will stay strong.

Do you have any advice by any chance please ?

Thank you !!

[JR]

dear Maya first off I want to say that I respect whatever choice you make in regards to rejoining with your mother and other enablers within your family, I also know what your saying that its extremely difficult mentally,emotionally and just physically since you have a disability and to get your partner to help is a monetary issue(more stress) for someone who has probably been extremely toxic and demeaning to you im sure. now all of a sudden they want to break bread and let bygones be bygones and just wipe under the carpet of degrading behavior that has damaged you. Im in a similar situation and fell back into caretaking my 84 Y/O mom whom had a stroke and try to help her omly getting abuse and demeaning language thrown at me whilst my 2 siblings Golden child and Ambivelent covert narc Sis were enjoying their carefree lives and sticking it to me at the same time like Im at fault for something I've done wrong within the Narc family structure, personally I would just do telephone communications with your mom and leave it at that, i got drawn back in because #1 I thought I was doing the right thing #2 I thought I could get this person back in order and get a semblance of my normal life back(didnt happen because they want you as a unpaid helper,forever). dont make the mistake of being over empathetic wjth Narcs it usually ends up bad for you, keep them at arms length dont get sucked into feeling sorry for them after what they've done to you, i did and regret it.

[Rebel13]

Dear Maya,

You get to do what feels right to you. This might be refusing contact, staying home and taking care of yourself. It might be going, for a final visit, with the knowledge that you will never get the kind loving care you wish for, that the visit will be about her/them, but you might take away the consolation that you did what was asked of you. These, and 100 more options, are all completely fine as long as they match up with what is in your heart and what you think is best for you, now and into the future.

Wishing you calm and peace.

[Maree Rose]

Dear Maya,  i feel so much empathy for you. I totally get it and I am  so sorry for what they put you through.

I am in the same situation

❤️

[TimetoHeal]

I'm sorry this is a late reply, Maya.

I am so sorry what you are going through. 

I echo what everyone else here says that you have many options, and whichever one you choose is valid and okay.  With a disability, it is even more important that you reserve the necessary strength and energy to take care of yourself. 

Do not let these other people make the decision for you.  It is YOUR choice to make.

Since it has been a few months, has anything else transpired?