I took my power back

[JustKeepTrying]

The past six months or so I have felt resentment creep into my conversations - resentment towards to my ex (xOCPDh). Divorced for five years now and I thought I was doing so much better. But lately those feelings were nasty and becoming all consuming. I like to live in gratitude. That resentment was preventing that and I could feel myself shifting towards grumpy and nasty and all that I had gained was slipping away.

I switched therapists and made some changes in my life. I know part of the resentment is that I had to stop my traveling life and tend to my adult autistic son. The money alone was an issue. No help or support from my ex. Or other family.

So I asked for help. I asked my ex and indicated a large monetary fund (that I funded pre divorce) and was not part of the divorce. Completely targeted for college expenses. That everyone in the family is eyeing greedily while my son and I are living on generic Mac and cheese in a dump. After several very calm and measured video calls, he capitulated and I now have some financial relief. In the third call, he began to whine that he does not see my son and that led to well you know that he witnessed you hitting me. He heard you screaming. He denied it and when I calmly insisted then he gaslit. I refused again and again over and over. I didn't back down.

Then he did his silence thing. His eyes turned black and his breathing quickened and in the past I knew I was entering the danger zone. You know the one where he could become violent. I had dodged wrenches and books and so much more in the past. He said he had no memory of it. I didn't expect him to remember it. I don't care if he does. That wasn't the point. After several quiet moments of staring at each other, I said I forgive you. Not for you but for me. I don't want to carry it anymore. But I have not forgotten. I only wish you peace. I sincerely hope you find some peace.

Then I ended the call.

It was liberating. So liberating to take my power back from him. To face him and feel strong.

[walking on broken glass]

What a liberating moment, Just Keep Trying! You must be so proud of yourself. I love how you said that the forgiveness is for you and not for him.
 

[bloomie]

JustKeepTrying - Inspiring on every level! Thank you for sharing this. You have no idea how much I needed to bear witness to your courage and conviction! 

[escapingman]

Amazing JKT, well done!