Lose-lose

[Cenerentola]

I took a break from writing on this forum because things were quiet but lo and behold, I am literally typing on another board here and I get a text from dad wanting to talk to me about how mom is upset about our relationship.

Wow that flood of adrenaline is something else.  Like, Imma giving birth levels of adrenaline.

I don't think I want him communicating a damn thing for her.  Definitely not in shape to talk to ANYONE in FOO right now.  Advice welcome.

How the heck did he text right now?  I mean what are the chances? 

[Rebel13]

I realized that I didn't get held as much as I needed--and that being held didn't feel safe for me--the comfort I can give my kids is not what I got.  And the space I give them when they want it is also not what I was granted.   

I'm so sorry. I know what this feels like. Sometimes the grief about not having a loving parent who made a safe space feels overwhelming.

And regarding your dad's text, it's probably coincidence, but man, sometimes it seems like they have a sixth sense, doesn't it? The day I got home after my cancer surgery there was a card from my mom, with whom I'd stopped contact six months before and who didn't know about the cancer or the surgery. The timing was SO WEIRD.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm sorry. I agree about the seeming sixth sense about hitting you when you're down. How is it that they can do that while at the same time being generally completely oblivious we even have feelings? 

Your dad is texting to talk to you about your mother's feelings about the relationship between you and her? I don't see that being productive. But it's also really predictable that the narcissistic parent has the enabling spouse doing her emotional labor and managing her relationships. If your mother wants a conversation to happen about her relationships, she can put on her very own big girl pants and pick up the stinkin' phone.

It's also pretty predictable that you very well know the subtext of your mother's messages and the timing of her trip, etc. You are doing a great job of not responding to it!

[Cenerentola]

I realized that I didn't get held as much as I needed--and that being held didn't feel safe for me--the comfort I can give my kids is not what I got.  And the space I give them when they want it is also not what I was granted.   

I'm so sorry. I know what this feels like. Sometimes the grief about not having a loving parent who made a safe space feels overwhelming.

And regarding your dad's text, it's probably coincidence, but man, sometimes it seems like they have a sixth sense, doesn't it? The day I got home after my cancer surgery there was a card from my mom, with whom I'd stopped contact six months before and who didn't know about the cancer or the surgery. The timing was SO WEIRD.

Thank you.  It's good to have this place where others know what it feels like.

[Cenerentola]

I'm sorry. I agree about the seeming sixth sense about hitting you when you're down. How is it that they can do that while at the same time being generally completely oblivious we even have feelings? 

Your dad is texting to talk to you about your mother's feelings about the relationship between you and her? I don't see that being productive. But it's also really predictable that the narcissistic parent has the enabling spouse doing her emotional labor and managing her relationships. If your mother wants a conversation to happen about her relationships, she can put on her very own big girl pants and pick up the stinkin' phone.

It's also pretty predictable that you very well know the subtext of your mother's messages and the timing of her trip, etc. You are doing a great job of not responding to it!

Haha, this actually made me chuckle ... Which is hard to do right now, so thank you!

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you had a trip to the ER and I hope that you are better now.

My mother also has a sixth sense and it is infuriating!

I don't know what I would do if my father sent me such a text. If you feel that you have to send some sort of reply out of politeness, maybe something like "I'm sorry she is upset. I don't feel I have done anything wrong and I don't think you and I talking behind her back about her issues will solve anything." That sort of message would probably be red rag to a bull in my FOO but I offer the suggestion for what it's worth. Objectively I don't think it is an unreasonable message to send although it does lay criticism at his door for trying to talk behind her back.