Tips how to cope with PD mother not get triggered and self care

[sweet1987]

Hi all,
My mother is undiagnosed BPD or NPD.
I only left home at 30 due to unhealthy codependent enmeshment.
After going no contact, went to low contact and now 8 years on have a boundaried relationship with her. Which for the most part is manageable. Most of me has accepted she won't change. And it's easier to create more distance not living at home. I've done allot of self work and counseling. And my mother has chosen not to do any work but I have seen some positive changes since my boundaries. She still has her subtle digs and self absorbed behaviors which I can cope with. However I am struggling with the random unpredictable tantrums, these were common when living together. Now they happen in message and voice note form. But not as often as they used to, so I'm always taken a back as not expecting it. She flip flops between being this overly caring, loving mother / love bombing to the second she gets triggered at something I say usually tied to not agreeing or doing things her way she then sends message after message, hour long voice notes recanting the past and how she is the victim and everyone is attacking her. She also has a disability which is really frustrating as I also help with some of her care needs. I just find it really hard to stay balanced mentally with her instability and warped thinking. I wasn't prepared today and even though I didn't engage in it. I still feel really annoyed because I know there's no point trying to get her to see how her behavior is unhealthy. Is there any point ever calling her out. She seems to think everyone else is to blame but her. And makes up her own stories about things that have happened.
Now after hours of irrational messages. She is messaging all normal and nice again. It's crazy making. I am not in a great place myself and notice it does get to me more when I'm not balanced. Anyway sorry it's so long. Any tips on how to deal with this behavior and / or how to just take care of self when this is happening. I also still feel like a 7 year old when she does this. I get sick in my stomach and scared like I'm right back in the abuse.

[Rebel13]

Hi sweet1987,

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this! A lot of us here have had similar experiences. One thing that helped me a lot was setting up some boundaries about when and how my mother could communicate with me. You can learn more about this in the Boundaries article in the Toolbox.

There are a lot of other helpful articles in the Toolbox that describe strategies we can use to protect ourselves from abuse.

There are also lots of great threads here in the forum about these kinds of problems. In one recent thread, I wrote in a little more detail about the boundaries I used to help deal with disturbing messages from my mom. I encourage you to poke around; it really helps me to read about how others have dealt with similar problems.

Wishing you peace and freedom!

[NarcKiddo]

I doubt there is anything to be gained in calling her out.

Well done for not engaging in the latest round of grimness. Could you maybe take it further and simply not read/listen to the messages as soon as you detect a rant?

You're feeling like a seven year old in the midst of all this resonates. I know that feeling and it is very easy to forget that we are actually now an adult who does not have to take this nonsense. What I have found helpful is pushing back on little things to prove to myself that the sky does not, in fact, fall in when I do that. With time it has become easier to be braver. About I year ago, for example, I declined an invitation to a family party. It was not my mother's party but I knew she would be expecting us all to turn up there in lockstep. That was, in retrospect, quite a big step and resulted in a lot of pushback from here and engagement of family flying monkeys. But I stuck to my guns and nobody died. I've been saying "no" to her more frequently and it is getting easier. It is very important for you to be kind to yourself, though, and not feel like a failure when she makes you feel like a child. Because you're not a failure. She is very lucky to have the level of contact you are prepared to give her.