How Did You Come To Terms With It?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Ruining a Family.  The controlling, lying, intimidating, manipulating, gaslighting, pitting people against each other, driving wedges, I'm sorry to say, in my experience it works.  Unless and until someone divorces or otherwise boots out, the NPD, and as long as the original family members are intimidated enough or compliant enough, or just too weary to stand up to it, the NPD will succeed in driving the family apart if they want to.

It's not a shrug your shoulders "Oh well" kind of loss.  It's not even a "one of  our closest family members died" kind of loss (in which case  you can turn to the rest of your family for comfort). 

It's the wiping out of a group I've felt most connected to over the decades, the ability to experience shared meaning, stories, inside humor, a common history together, and a sharing of our current lives and ideas.  All of that has become forbidden and there is a punishment for trying to step into that territory and a constant surveillance to keep control.  Even if and when we do see or talk to each other, we can no longer connect as family, talk or act normally, be ourselves, or  even acknowledge we have a past together.

I have good friends I love, (though no husband/partner). And I'm involved with things that are meaningful.  But my heart longs for family to share with.  I think the chances of that coming back are very small.

How did you do it?  How did you come to terms with, make peace with, having a pwPD shatter your family?  I don't seem to be able to finally move on from the loss.

[xredshoesx]

I feel you today @Lookin 2 B Free

tbh I am not sure if i've ever going to be at peace with the chain of events that stemmed from my mother's mental illness.  the best thing I think I did was to make the multigenerational abuse stop with me by not having my own kids and get therapy  when I needed it the most- 

for me the pain is like a scab I pick at and it never really heals.  it gets smaller, but it is always still there. 

be gentle with yourself today. 

[GoodPesto]

"Looking for a home in every face I see" - Jim Morrison

I feel you too. My heart has been longing so much for family, I sometimes remained in not really good relationships because he had one. The last time my family got together for a big event was 5 years ago, when a sibling married. Due to some toxic dynamics upfront, I ended up being the only one excluded from attending the wedding. Since then there was no other event (bbq, x-mas, birthday) that I have been invited too. None.
Last year I reconnected out of dispair with my unPDmoth when my marriage fell apart. After four months of us reestablishing contact, she witnessed a serious nervous-breakdown the day my exunPDhus moved out. Not even that moved her to invite me over for the upcoming holidays (x-mas), no she spent it around family, which is my family, too.
Like you said it is the people you grew up with, there is shared biography, shared memories, shared fights and shared fun. I so get how you miss them on a different level. To me it feels like I've been amputated.
To answer your question: I had to hope that there is comfort somewhere. I found it in the moon and stars and in flowers. I found it in four-legged-companions, and in interacting with young human beings.
Like redshoes I don't expect this will completely heal.
I am sorry you're in this freaking painful spot, too.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so sorry, xredshoesx and GoodPesto, that you are also experiencing this painful loss.

Thanks for replying.  As much as I wish you weren't in this situation, to hear from others who understand is helpful.   

"Amputation" is a good word for it. It's normal for people to experience grief from loss of loved ones, which can be quite significant.  It seems very rare for a person's whole family to be gone (or to be exiled from them) if you're not from a war torn country.   Removing the possibility of shared history feels a little like removing a piece of your personhood. Like a major part of my life seems unknown,  or at least not to matter to anyone else who was there.  it leaves a strange hole. 

It can have a bit of an Orwellian feel.  From 1984: "Withers, however, was already an unperson. He did not exist: he had never existed."

I can see there are PDs who attempt to "unperson" you .. often with some, or ever great, success. Developing close friendships with healthy people counteracts some of the "unpersoning."  But only part ... at least so far.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry Looking to be free. I wish I had something constructive to say.

I have a multi picture frame hanging above my desk, where I put some snapshots of happy moments with friends and family. I used to have three pictures with my parents and extended family. The other day I replaced them with pictures of me, my partner, our cat, and friends. I couldn't stand staring at a visual reminder of something that doesn't hold space for me or brings joy to me anymore. The act of removing pictures reminded me of past breakups with boyfriends, when I would do the same thing. The difference is you expect that your family of origin will be the big constant in your life, something you don't need to worry about losing. Everyone tells us that family is forever, right? All encompassing and ever supportive. What a big lie.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Yes, we hear family is forever.  Even more I hear that the most important thing in life, what really matters above all else, is family!  It leaves a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

[Pinkos]

I won't minimize the grief and the sense of loss in going NC or rather being forced to end contact for self-preservation. 'Going NC' connotes that it was a choice and it never feels right to me to say it. It's a nice shorthand but I felt bullied and forced to end contact. It was a silent ultimatum on their part. Be who we expect you to be or else......

Maintaining contact is what felt like an "un-person'ing" to me. If I wanted to continue being in the family I had to give up personal and emotional autonomy and function as an extension of my parents: in practical terms, I had to be their emotional caretaker until death do us part. I was never going to be considered in this equation. My needs and feelings were irrelevant. As a family, I didn't feel like we had any shared values that we could coalesce around. My siblings were selfish and antagonistic and were actively alienated from me by my parents. My parents never loved each other and never loved their children. They are incapable.

So the estrangement does feel like an "amputation" on a visceral level but when I stop and analyze my feelings I realize who I was with them is not who I am now. I could never go back to that demeaned and small young woman I was. I'm still working hard to parent that woman and reassure her that she has value and worth despite their lack of love. Despite their hatred. It will likely be a lifelong struggle. That's the family legacy I'm left with.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

There are many ways to become "amputated," Pinko.  It's all painful,

For some of us who grew up with a pwPD, there may still be some respectful, caring people in the family, nons, whom we've enjoyed staying in touch with.  But one of them marries a uPD and that person derails the whole thing.  For a time it was my PDex, who did not want me having continuing relationships with my friends or kids from a prior marriage and made me pay for it each time (though I never cut them off).  I left him & went NC over 5 years ago.  Since then another one's here through someone else's marriage and taken his place and it's worse.

I'm so grateful for this forum.  A place to share with others going through the same thing!
 

[1footouttadefog]

My family was never super close.  As my siblings grew up and left home they all went separate ways and we're not even close to each other for the most part. 

I married into a NPD family. There is no close ess among them. 

My tribe/family has almost always been almost entirely among my friend group.

With that being said you can form strong and meaningful bonds with your chosen family as you find them.  I say this to encourage you that you don't have to be alone in the world

I know for sure there are many people who would drop what they are doing and drove, fly or walk to help me if I needed them and I would do dht same for them.   

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Like you, 1Foot, close friends have been a refuge.  For me, it doesn't replace sharing with loved ones you spent a good part of your life with.  But it is a lifesaver!

[Laurie]

Some years ago when I was sad and very angry with my uNSIL, I realized I was never going to feel any better as long as I continued to think about her and how badly she treated us.  There was simply nothing I could do.  I try to say the Serenity Prayer and think instead about who out there is healthy and good for me and my husband to be around.  This is not an easy task and I'm constantly reminding myself that I can't control the actions of the NPDs in my life.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, Laurie.  I, too, am sometimes bothered thinking about the destruction caused by the uNPD.  But much more often I'm in touch with the feelings of loss from the others who I wish I could be around.  But I don't spend all my time on that either.  I try to make a good start to each day getting out and being active physically and socially,  nurturing my friendships, self care, etc.  Those things are a lifesaver!