DV in the neighborhood

[GoodPesto]

Two nights ago I ear-witnessed a fight between a couple in my neighborhood. I've been living close to them for a couple of years and know they tend to verbally assault each other sometimes. It's mostly give and take but some actions made me wonder about the actual distribution of power (he e.g. barred her once in their garden and she had to ask him to be let back in for quite a while, another time he was cleary only defending an ugly verbal attack).
These incidents happen (for me to witness) about every quarter to six months.
Two nights ago I heard them exchange insults again, he was very enraged, she was not audible often in comparison. At two points I heard someone being slapped and could figure from the before and after that it was him hitting her.
While I was deciding if this qualifies to pick up the phone, the fight simmered down again.

This woman swings from being openly hostile towards me and my dogs to being friendly and nosy, is known to be manipulativ and lying a lot. Personal info got weaponized, too, usually I try to m/c. So it's a difficult type of connection.
Him and I we barely meet or greet.

From my experience it is not necessarily helpful to involve the authorities. Often enough it's not enough for them to do anything but the weaker part more often than not has to pay for things being stirred up.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and/or thoughts if there is anything that needs to be done?

[GoodPesto]

I was relieved to notice I wasn't the only witness and to see other knew what to do.

Here are some ideas that were given that might be useful in cases like this, so I thought I leave them here. Sometimes it depends on where you live (e.g. rural or city), others are more general. There might be cultural differences. In some cases this might acutally work, I'd like to believe.

According to a study that I am unfortunately not able to cite right now, there is good empirical data that the numbers of murders dropped at nights when a big group of people in that area decided to meditate together. It wasn't that the potential murderer were now busy sitting somewhere focusing on their breath, but the effect of hightened peaceful energy, scientists concluded. So the idea is that meditating could be a tool to all in all spread better vibes.

Another idea was that the neigbour with the second best connection to the couple finds the partner that seemed stronger or crueler than the other and lets him/her know that s/he is "better than that". This neighbor could add an invitation to hear this person out or offer to come over in case they get on their nerves again. There was an explanation why it can't be the neighbor with the best connection but it didn't stick ... oh, here it is again. You hope to not need the neighbor with the best connection as a back up for another incident.

Another idea was to "feed the couple with love", which could e.g. mean that the days following the incident one neighbor comes over bringing some nice food, the next one sharing flowers or green from the garden, another one coming over for a warm chat. This way the couple will notice (latest) their fight has been noticed, but they will not be shamed or shunned for it and the lack of love acknowledged.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Goodpesto,

I think I would call the police, especially since you heard slapping. It's not an ideal solution but it would stop the abuse and the incident would be recorded. It doesn't matter what she is like, no woman should be abused. And in a heterosexual couple chances are, no matter how abusive both of them sound, that the man is the main perpetrator.

Edit to add that the other suggestions you mentioned seem inadequate and/or wrong to me. There is no coddling an abuser and you cannot wish away an abuse with meditation.

[xredshoesx]

we had to call the cops multiple times on our across the street neighbor.  as much as i try to mind my own business, someone getting abused out in the open is everybody's business bc god only knows how much worse it is behind the closed doors....

[Catothecat]

Domestic violence is complicated.  There's more going on than someone getting on someone else's "nerves."  It could be a trauma bond, it could be a codependency situation, it could be sexual arousal (i.e., fighting then having "make-up sex"), it could be a lot of things.  Only they know what's going on in their heads (and even then they might not). So you can try any of those suggestions you read about but don't be surprised when they do no good.  It's not that you didn't do enough for them.  It's that they're beyond such level of help.

Definitely call the cops. A disturbance is a disturbance.  If two strangers got into a fight on the street, you'd call the cops on them.  But the police have their limits and all they can do is investigate and if the abused person isn't willing to cooperate then it usually ends there.  Until the next time.