Hello, I’m new here

[Maria Pia]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and just found this site. My story feels really heavy, but I think this is the right place to share it.

I grew up in an abusive home. On the outside we looked like the perfect family, but  behind closed doors I was beaten for minor things, emotionally abused, and kept isolated from the outside world as a "homeschooled" kid. (Most homeschoolers I have met in my adult life have made me realize my upbringing was far from the norm.) While certain things were taken care of in my younger years, as I grew older and eventually entered school(for my parents convenience), my parents were not only abusive, but also neglectful. There were days I was left at school until dark, left to make my own breakfast, lunch, & dinner. I remember sometimes not having enough food to feel full while my parent had locked away a stash of food for themselves.

I didn't have a friend until I was in puberty since I was purposely isolated from social environments by my parents. I'm now nearly middle age and I'm still running for my life from my narcissistic family who are determined to exert power and control over my life through severe abuse.

Because of the isolation from childhood, I've never had the social skills to make true friends. I live in fear that I'm going to offend someone, so most of the time I am withdrawn. This leaves me with a deep sense of loneliness. I've also gotten into some toxic and abusive friendships over the years as well since I had so many blind spots socially. Miraculously though, I found a partner who also survived a traumatic childhood and can understand my struggles.

The perfect family facade even convinced my relatives unfortunately, so I'm currently a fully fledged black sheep. So, I guess, with the exception of my partner, I can say that I'm still alone after growing up alone. But, I have found that being alone is better than being surrounded by wolves.

Healing has been a process of enjoying my own company. Though, I strongly suspect CPTSD is at play in my life right now. I have actively sought to get therapy and have reached out to EMDR therapist in my area who are unfortunately not taking new patients (add on top of that the financial burden which complicates things even more since the anxiety and panic attacks are so bad I haven't held a job). (If anyone has recommendations as per therapy, I would appreciate it a ton.)I'm hoping in the meantime though to learn from those of you who might be further along in your healing than I am. Despite grieving the family I never had, I am grateful to say that I can breathe again since finally getting away.

[Rebel13]

Hi Maria, welcome. I'm so sorry for the pain you have suffered and what you are still struggling with. This site has resources that might help; you can check the Toolbox section to get started. In the forum, people share things that have helped them in The Other Sides of Us section. There is also another site, Out of the Storm, which focuses more directly on CPTSD and the effects of trauma.

Some things that have helped me quite a bit in coping with the effects of childhood trauma: the Youtube channel Therapy in a Nutshell as well as DBT skills. I also like neuropsychologist Dr Rick Hanson's work; here's a good place to start if you're interested in that.

Wishing you the best.

[notrightinthehead]

Just want to add my Welcome! You have come to a good place. Looking forward to your posts on your healing journey.