Just blocked my mother on email

[TimetoHeal]

I am moving slowly closer and closer to NC with my older uPD mother.  She has taken to sending me long emails on the weekends when she doesn't feel like I've called or texted her enough with her latest (non)emergency.  Today just did it for me.  I've gotten good, and I'm proud, at not jumping in to try and help her.  I finally learned my lesson last time when I wrote her back a very thoughtful (I thought) email trying to help her and telling her I was willing to go to a doctor with her and get her the help she needs or help her find a retirement community, etc.  She shot me down and refused to do anything.

Today's email was more of the same trauma-dumping and putting me in a double bind with "Don't call me. I don't want to talk" and "I'm so sorry to dump this all on you.  Don't take any of this on yourself though, I know you have your own terrible problems".  And to make sure I saw it, she texted me "I just sent you an email about what's going on with me".  It just really. made. me. mad.  I had been having a beautiful weekend out in my yard gardening, de-stressing from a stressful week at work, and now all I could think about was her feelings, her trauma, her problems.  I deleted it, didn't respond, and did something I never thought I'd do - blocked her email.  I feels good.  But I am still feeling scared and guilty.  Both about her "problems" and blocking her email.  I guess I just need some validation and support. 

[walking on broken glass]

Good for you, time to heal! I applaud 👏 👏
And guess what ... it is time to heal!

[GoodPesto]

Hi Timetoheal,

I can relate to knowing it's the right thing to do and yet feeling guilty and scared. When my experience counts you will grow
into this and in a few days still be like "I can't believe I did that" but a little less often and when it comes up you'll be proud to have protected yourself. That's my feeling-forcast for you, hope it's accurate. There may some grey clouds wanna pass trying to talk you out of it ("if I unblock her now, she might not even realise I did it"). Best wishes.

[NarcKiddo]

I get why you feel scared and guilty. And I realise she did not mean it - but the statement "Don't take any of this on yourself" is always something you can fling back at her. Maybe you should block her texts, too.

[TimetoHeal]

Good for you, time to heal! I applaud 👏 👏
And guess what ... it is time to heal!

Love this, and thank you, WOBG!!!

[TimetoHeal]

Good Pesto,
Thank you so much for the encouragement!  You are so right, I woke up this morning doubting myself so much.  I told myself I was going to unblock her.  I'm glad I came here first!

NarcKiddo,
You are so right!  She told me not to take it on, right?  And in our last exchange during a "crisis", she said she couldn't do any of the things I suggested, that there was no help for her.  So...that's my Get Out of Jail Free card, right?

And I think text will probably be next.  That's the other avenue she uses to send me long "woe is me, but don't call me, because I don't really want a reciprocal relationship with you, I just want to dump all this on you and leave it here" messages.  I am so glad I still have my land-line phone.  Soon, that will be the only way I will have for her to contact me in a true emergency. 

[Dancing Fool]

"And in our last exchange during a "crisis", she said she couldn't do any of the things I suggested, that there was no help for her.  So...that's my Get Out of Jail Free card, right?"

Right!  When they refuse all reasonable suggestions, that's a cue to step back and stop making suggestions.  My experience in trying to make helpful or at least commonsense suggestions to my own mother never had any positive results.  She would refuse them outright, pour scorn on me or pretend to go along with them but find a way to scupper them.

I realised over the years that she didn't really want solutions, because then she would no longer be able to hold my attention and keep me busy trying to solve things for her.  She enjoys the moaning and complaining.

When things came to a head between me and her a few years ago, I told her I would no longer be helping her out and she would need to find someone else to do that.  (Over the phone, whilst shaking with fear after having spent a fortnight trying to work up the courage!)

I have more limited contact with her nowadays, and my main problem is trying not to get sucked back in through intermittent periods of guilt and pity.

One thing I have noticed reading other people's posts on this forum: when these demanding, self-absorbed types of people have exhausted or offended their friends and family to the point of low/no contact, they are surprisingly resourceful in finding someone else to latch onto.  When I reduced contact with my mother, she very quickly managed to track down an ex-boyfriend from about 25 years previously.  All of a sudden, he was the best thing since sliced bread (despite the fact she had originally split up with him because, in her words, he hadn't just two-timed her but "multiple-timed" her). 

Give your mother the joy of finding someone else to trauma-dump on.

[TimetoHeal]

When things came to a head between me and her a few years ago, I told her I would no longer be helping her out and she would need to find someone else to do that.  (Over the phone, whilst shaking with fear after having spent a fortnight trying to work up the courage!)

Oh, my god, Dancing Fool.  That is exactly where I am RIGHT NOW.  My hands are shaking as I type this.  My mom just ratcheted it up again, texting me saying, "Time, did you even see the email I sent to you yesterday?".  I responded almost without thinking and told her yes, I did, and I'm sorry she's going through what she's going through.  But she told me not to call her, not to do anything, and that every time I DO try to do something, she shuts me down.  I told her I felt like she put me in an impossible situation, and that, In the future, I would appreciate if she would call me if there was something I needed to know about.  She has not responded. 

I am sitting here shaking in fear. 

[TimetoHeal]

I don't even know how to respond to her last text.  It was long and rambling about how she never even thought that and was CERTAINLY not trying to make me feel bad, she loves me so much and all she ever thinks about is how she can make me happy, I am her whole life, and yes, she longs for a text from me now and then, and oh, she just messed up so bad, can I ever forgive her, she will never do it again, and by the way, I bought you a new book, you can come by and get it whenever you want to...

Gaaahhhhhhh!!!!  This is when I need my T on speed dial!!   

[GoodPesto]

Timetoheal, this is not a surprise. You were establishing a boundary and here comes the fight about it. Stay firm.
What I am reading is a severe attempt to guilt trip you into leaving all doors open for her. Slow down, would be my advice if you are still keen on hearing one. Do not respond immediately and focus on what YOU want. Reread your own posts from earlier if that helps.

[walking on broken glass]

Time to heal,

Deep breaths. She would react this way. You did nothing wrong and you don't have to appease her. You are not responsible for her feelings. You explained your perspective and she is just coming back for more. I suggest you don't reply and if she persists, then you block her on messaging too.

She can't hurt you. You are an adult and you make your own decisions. She has no power over you.

[TimetoHeal]

Good Pesto and WOBG,

Thank you so much for responding.  You are so right, this is not surprising at all.  Whenever we set a boundary, we can expect blowback, right?  Why is it always so disorienting?  I think the fact that she uses "loving language" instead of name-calling disables me.  If she were outright mean, I could easily block her and never talk to her again.  But she is too smart for that.  She wants me to think she lives and breathes for my happiness.  Oh, and not one, but two mentions of "how much she worries about me constantly".  No guilt, there, Mom!  I have not responded, and don't think I will.  You can't have a rational relationship with these people.

And this part right here, WOBG, has me weeping:  Thank you. 

She can't hurt you. You are an adult and you make your own decisions. She has no power over you.

[walking on broken glass]

Sending virtual hugs 

[Dancing Fool]

What you're going through now feels horrendous, but actually it's a good sign!

Have you heard of the saying:
"You only get flak when you're over the target."  ?

Picture yourself as an aeroplane pilot, flying a bomber during a war.  You're getting close to your mission target, but the enemy has spotted you and is firing its anti-aircraft guns in a desperate attempt to stop you.

Your mother is not daft.  She's noticed a change in your behaviour and senses that you are trying to assert your independence and adulthood.  She's got to shut that down before you manage to pull away.  What will she do if you're not constantly available to tend to her every whim and moodswing? 

Good grief, she might actually have to go out and seek that attention from somebody else.  And if they're not family, as close as you, she'll probably never get the same level of compliance I'm guessing she's trained you in since infancy.  It would be much harder to install the buttons she knows how to press in you.  Much harder to use that emotional blackmail, "but I'm your poor old mother..."

This is classic emotional blackmail, with multiple tactics:

she never even thought that and was CERTAINLY not trying to make me feel bad, she loves me so much and all she ever thinks about is how she can make me happy, I am her whole life, and yes, she longs for a text from me now and then, and oh, she just messed up so bad, can I ever forgive her, she will never do it again, and by the way, I bought you a new book, you can come by and get it whenever you want to...

- Denial that she has done anything wrong,
- Expression of intense affection to induce guilt,
- Laying the burden of her happiness at your feet, "I am her whole life",
- Implying that you don't have contact with her often enough, in HER opinion, "she longs for a text from me now and then",
- A dramatic sounding apology that might potentially be believable, were it not for the accompanying denial and emotional blackmail.
- The dangling carrot of a gift, to manipulate you into both visiting her AND having to show gratitude for something you probably never wanted in the first place (my mother does this all the time).

She's a master at this stuff, you're just learning to stand up to it. 

I agree with GoodPesto, sloooooow dooooooown.  When our parents can keep us emotionally dysregulated in the moment, it's easier for them to extract automatic compliance.  If you choose to respond to her, don't rush; leave it a day, a few days, a week.  It gives you some time to think, analyse - do you really need or want to do what she's asking for?  Does SHE really need or want what she's asking for?  My mother will sound like she really wants something RIGHT NOW but the next time I speak to her she may not even mention whatever it was.

[TimetoHeal]

What you're going through now feels horrendous, but actually it's a good sign!

Have you heard of the saying:
"You only get flak when you're over the target."  ?

Picture yourself as an aeroplane pilot, flying a bomber during a war.  You're getting close to your mission target, but the enemy has spotted you and is firing its anti-aircraft guns in a desperate attempt to stop you.

Your mother is not daft.  She's noticed a change in your behaviour and senses that you are trying to assert your independence and adulthood.  She's got to shut that down before you manage to pull away.  What will she do if you're not constantly available to tend to her every whim and moodswing? 

Good grief, she might actually have to go out and seek that attention from somebody else.  And if they're not family, as close as you, she'll probably never get the same level of compliance I'm guessing she's trained you in since infancy.  It would be much harder to install the buttons she knows how to press in you.  Much harder to use that emotional blackmail, "but I'm your poor old mother..."

This is classic emotional blackmail, with multiple tactics:

she never even thought that and was CERTAINLY not trying to make me feel bad, she loves me so much and all she ever thinks about is how she can make me happy, I am her whole life, and yes, she longs for a text from me now and then, and oh, she just messed up so bad, can I ever forgive her, she will never do it again, and by the way, I bought you a new book, you can come by and get it whenever you want to...

- Denial that she has done anything wrong,
- Expression of intense affection to induce guilt,
- Laying the burden of her happiness at your feet, "I am her whole life",
- Implying that you don't have contact with her often enough, in HER opinion, "she longs for a text from me now and then",
- A dramatic sounding apology that might potentially be believable, were it not for the accompanying denial and emotional blackmail.
- The dangling carrot of a gift, to manipulate you into both visiting her AND having to show gratitude for something you probably never wanted in the first place (my mother does this all the time).

She's a master at this stuff, you're just learning to stand up to it. 

I agree with GoodPesto, sloooooow dooooooown.  When our parents can keep us emotionally dysregulated in the moment, it's easier for them to extract automatic compliance.  If you choose to respond to her, don't rush; leave it a day, a few days, a week.  It gives you some time to think, analyse - do you really need or want to do what she's asking for?  Does SHE really need or want what she's asking for?  My mother will sound like she really wants something RIGHT NOW but the next time I speak to her she may not even mention whatever it was.

Dancing Fool,

This is so spot on.  She is a master at emotional blackmail.  She is actually very smart, although she will play dumb and like she is losing her mind to old age. She is not.  She remembers that I said in passing I was reading a book by a certain author (one of the last topics I thought was safe between us) and that I would like to read more of her books because she is so good.  So she buys me the book to lure me to her house.  It's' gross really.

It's taking everything in me not to respond, but I'm not.  I'm taking it slow and I'll respond when and if I want to. 

[doglady]

Another one here totally validating your decision to block your mother's emails, Time to Heal.

Your mother is displaying quite a few tried and tested tricks from the old PD playbook. I am NC with my uBPD/covert NPD mother now but she tried virtually all the same strategies, and like your mother, she often couched it in similar, syrupy language.

You're certainly experiencing the all too predictable extinction burst erupting from your mother's side, ie You make a change, she notices that and doesn't like it one little bit, and so she ups the ante. (I love the 'flak over the target' analogy, Dancing Fool.  )

Your mother certainly seems to be throwing everything at it, which means your approach is definitely working, so keep it going. But of course it is highly likely to get worse before it gets better. For example, is she the type who would manifest a medical emergency of some type before long if she can't get you 'functioning' back to the way she wants? I only ask because this is certainly how my mother used to respond when I was 'malfunctioning.'


You mention you're on a journey to NC.
Sending emails to spam and only checking once a week (if you really must) can be very freeing. It worked well for me. Then I just eventually stopped ever checking - as I would even get palpitations if I saw the email address there in the spam folder.
 
In my case, I also found it helpful to block phone calls as well as emails because my mother would ring multiple times and just expect me to pick up. When that didn't work she would eventually leave a breathless voice mail message like 'Call me now!' without  providing any other info, as these drama-loving PDs invariably do.

So I said to my mother that I would not return any calls where no info was given, only a demand to call. She pretended she didn't know how to do that.  Ok then.

You've got this, TTH. Keep us posted.

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you, dog lady!  I appreciate the support!

Yes, my mother is definitely the type to fake a medical crisis.  She is constantly complaining about her health in very vague terms, i.e. she is in so much pain, she is so sick, she is about to have a mental breakdown, she can't take much more, etc.  But her checkups always show she is healthy a horse.  This weekend she was "about to have a stroke, and just thought I should know".  So, yes, I can see that coming. 

I feel so scared and guilty and it's so hard not to capitulate and tell her I'm sorry (for what, I'm not sure, other than obviously making her upset).  I'm trying to just sit with the feelings, but it sucks.

Thank you all for the support.  Checking in here is helping me so much.