'We're so worried about you'

mary_poppins · May 31, 2025, 09:54:03 AM

Hi all. Although I have studied NPD for a while now, I sometimes forget why do they act a certain way. My parents have this obsession with letting me know they are 'so worried about me' and needed to check in by calling me like a desperate person and stalking me online.

Why are they doing this? I know they do not care and so, if you don't care, you can't be worried about someone. They are indiferent to you. What do they achieve by playing the concerned parent card? Also, how would a healthy parent act in this situation: their adult child moves to a different city and they take a while to settle down. How would the interaction between healthy parent-adult child be?

walking on broken glass · May 31, 2025, 10:48:37 AM

Hi Mary Poppins!
Worry is control in disguise. They want to feel they have access to your life and some control over it - with PDs control is a big thing - so they dress it as worry and concern to manipulate you into letting them in. Because 'I worry about you' sounds like what a loving parent would say. How can you possibly object to that? I have heard that so many times in my life and it really does a number on you; especially when I was young, it gave me the message that there was something to be worried about, of which I was unaware, and that I wasn't strong enough or mature enough to make my own choices. It has made me think three and four times before making a decision to make sure it is 100% the right one and that I have eliminated all the possible risks. Please don't let it get to you.

A loving parent would make contact with their adult children to ask how they are doing and offer support, but they wouldn't harass them, they wouldn't call them all the time saying how worried they are, and if the adult child asked for space, they would apologise and respect it. They would say I am here for you to talk to me whenever you want and mean it. They wouldn't assume they know more about the situation and they wouldn't try to impose their views. They wouldn't make this about them and how they are feeling but they would listen with interest and compassion.

GoodPesto · May 31, 2025, 12:00:07 PM

Having a same mother moment.
I as well have heard that so many times and it had the same destabilising affects like on wobg. Plus when there was a time when worrying would have been appropriate, I was so desensitized to the expression one could not get through to me.
I think wobg has pretty much nailed it. It keeps you under control by undermining your confidence.
Also, unPDmoth got a lot out of me trying to comfort her ...
The concerned parent card might also get played out in front of other people where this is contributing to their false image of a caring parent. In my case "worried sick" meant displaying being a caring mother, not sure if that's the case for your parents as well.

mary_poppins · June 02, 2025, 05:40:15 AM

Walking on broken glass: that's a lot of information and some of it was unfamiliar to me. It makes a lot of sense that worry=control. That's what they've been doing all my life. Thx, wobg.

GoodPesto: isn't it annoying when you hear this expression over and over but and you know it's fake?

NarcKiddo · June 02, 2025, 05:58:49 AM

It's a ghastly tactic. My mother does it all the time and she has in the past been very good at planting seeds of doubt, which is probably the intention. For instance if I dare to book holidays to "exotic" places she goes on about all the diseases I could catch, or how I could get arrested in the Middle East, or whatever.

walking on broken glass · June 02, 2025, 06:27:24 AM

QuoteFor instance if I dare to book holidays to "exotic" places she goes on about all the diseases I could catch, or how I could get arrested in the Middle East, or whatever.

What is with the holidays? Every time I booked to go somewhere, my parents would find reasons to question my choice:'it's too far', 'the weather will be bad or it will be too hot', 'why in X and not in Z?'. So exhausting.

Cenerentola · June 02, 2025, 09:37:09 AM

I tend to agree with those who consider worry to be a form of control. My updm definitely controls other's behavior by expressing her worries to them -- that place is so far away, anything could happen to you, oh that's too late at night, that neighborhood is dangerous, etc. My favorite example recently was that she was worried about me getting too thin. Spoiler alert: I'm the same weight now that I was in high school when she worried that I was getting too fat. Some folks just want something to be worried about.

Liketheducks · June 02, 2025, 09:53:44 AM

Ran into another version of this. I have VLC with mom and NC with Dad. But, mom follows me on various social media sites. That's fine with me. I'm in an industry where using social media drives a lot of my business. I'd avoid it, if not. Mom insists that the child must be the one to maintain our relationship. She doesn't call. She isn't a part of our lives, unless I initiate it. I do what feels comfortable for me most of the time...which means our contact is one sided and less than she would like. I'd welcome a phone call or lunch date for the occasional check in, but we don't share minute by minute details.

But, this came to a head in a really random way. I'm a triathlete for fun. Crazy, I know...but it keeps me out of jail and you'd be surprised how many survivors of childhood trauma turn to endurance sports to help with mental health. For me, it is a hard thing that I choose to do for fun...rather than so much of my childhood that I had to survive. I know I can do it and it doesn't hurt my mental health. There is a social media app for athletes where we share workouts, times, paces, locations after the fact, etc. Think...celebrating that I just did a 9 mile run in a beautiful location. One of her friends is also an athlete and we follow each other. He is the father of one of my childhood friends. I spent time in his home as a kid. Well, he knows before my mom that I've had a great race or workout. It absolutely chafes her that he will mention that he saw I did a race. Now, she COULD make something of an effort to have a closer relationship with me....but no. I will get a random text from her that Steven shared that I was racing at nationals.

TimetoHeal · June 02, 2025, 12:48:16 PM

Quote from: Liketheducks on June 02, 2025, 09:53:44 AMMom insists that the child must be the one to maintain our relationship. She doesn't call. She isn't a part of our lives, unless I initiate it. I do what feels comfortable for me most of the time...which means our contact is one sided and less than she would like. I'd welcome a phone call or lunch date for the occasional check in, but we don't share minute by minute details.

This is my mother to a T. She won't call me to save her life, but will send texts or emails nonstop complaining that no one ever calls her. Which isn't even true. I'm actually her only child who still visits and calls her at all. But it's never enough for them.

Also, heavy on the 'constantly worrying about me'. Like I'm a burden. Like I can't take care of myself at 53 years of age. It's really a number they do on our heads.

footprint33 · June 10, 2025, 12:20:39 PM

Quote from: mary_poppins on May 31, 2025, 09:54:03 AMWhy are they doing this? I know they do not care and so, if you don't care, you can't be worried about someone. They are indiferent to you. What do they achieve by playing the concerned parent card?

Back when I was VLC years ago, this was a common tactic that my NPD parents played with me. I agree with those who talk about control. However, I also think that what my parents were doing was classic gaslighting. They treated me horrendously after the birth of my first child, then they were actually the ones to ostracize me from the family and gave me the silent treatment (not the same as NC) shortly after my child was born and I was a brand new mother trying to get my grounding. After about a month, they started sending emails, never addressing what they'd done and saying that they were "worried" or "concerned" about me. I learned that they were smearing me and telling people that I had postpartum depression, which I never had. They got their flying monkeys to write to me and say that my parents were "worried" about me, putting all the pressure on me to explain myself when they were in fact the reason that there was a problem.

All that did was to make it look as if I was the one with the problem and that they were caring parents. This is gaslighting to the max--they treated me like dirt and then tried to erase all of their behavior and act like there was something wrong with me for having distanced myself from them...when in fact they were the ones to first give me the silent treatment!

It's crazy making behavior.

footprint

Tribe16 · June 11, 2025, 11:45:45 AM

Quote from: footprint33 on June 10, 2025, 12:20:39 PMAll that did was to make it look as if I was the one with the problem and that they were caring parents. This is gaslighting to the max--they treated me like dirt and then tried to erase all of their behavior and act like there was something wrong with me for having distanced myself from them...when in fact they were the ones to first give me the silent treatment!

Sorry if this is repetitive (I mentioned this incident on another thread). I feel this, though my situation is a little different. Firstly I'm sorry that your parents were so cruel and uncaring in what should have been a time of rejoicing and family bonding over a sweet new baby. Good for you for holding your boundaries.

My mother has instigated the silent treatment on and off my entire life to show disapproval. Not just with me, but the other members of my family as well. I'm currently in a prolonged silent treatment from her that resulted in me deciding she no longer needed access to my social media channels due to her behavior towards me on them - I blocked her. She knows this. (Sent her a newsy text about a new grandbaby to which she replied "Thank you." Her icy response was the final straw.) She has not wished me a happy birthday for several years, but this year she chose to do it on social media. Knowing that I would not see it, but that her "audience" would. This way, she gets to retain the persona of caring mother in public. With heart emojis and all - found out about it after the fact from a family member.

When we were speaking, well up into my 60s, I always had to check in with her when I was on a trip, when I left, when I arrived, etc. I used to think "Oh, she just wants to make sure I'm safe" - but I really think now it was another form of control that I didn't realize at the time. Maybe it was a way for her to manage her anxiety, I don't know. It has been very freeing the past several years not reporting my comings and goings to her.