Apology a Year Later from Former Friend

[SeaBreeze]

A little over a year ago, I posted here about a falling out with a newer friend. I'd only known her for one year so it was not a devastating loss. But still hurtful and unsettling, as she was the first friend I'd made shortly after leaving ex, my first new friend in several years outside of marriage, kids' school, or work.

So, last week she came by my house twice. DS was home the first time and handled it like a pro. She asked for my number saying she has a new phone and lost all contacts. DS declined but offered to take hers in case I wanted to call her first. I was thinking of if/when to call her when she stopped by a 2nd time, got poor DS again, and left some pre-packaged snacks she knows DS and DD enjoy.

Her apology? She is "sorry for hurting our feelings", and she misses me and my family and wants to hang out again. Mind you, we didn't have a simple misunderstanding. She made strange, baseless accusations against me and my kids, then told us not to come to her home or she would call the police. We went NC this past year not only to protect ourselves but to respect her boundary! Now she shows up at my house twice (that I know of ...)

The kids and I agree that while we still suspect a mental and/or physical health issue and don't fault her, we do not feel safe resuming a friendship with her, either. I did call her, got voicemail. Asked her not to come by my home anymore, but that she may text or call back. (I am still offering to speak to her as I do not want anything lost in translation!) She texted back "Good to hear from you! I miss you! Let's meet and get together to talk soon."

I will try calling her back when I have the energy to do so. But I am definitely not going to "meet and get together" soon or ever...

[1footouttadefog]

Even in this latest communication volley she is running over what you stated and moving things where she wants them.  Not cool.  She is not safe to be around yet.  Likely she needs something from you. 

Making accusations and threatening to call the police on you is not something that can be easily pushed under the carpet, with "I miss you".

I would be needing an apology specifically addressing the wrongs done in this case. Something like  I was using too much weed vape and had become very paranoid and between that and the meds I was on I became a train wreck, I have since made some hard but needed changes. In revisiting the damage I causes, my friendship with you stands out as a great loss.  I am so sorry for attacking your integrity and threatening your family.  I know that must have been horrible and cannot believe I was ever that person.  If you have it on you to let me try again I would love to meet for coffee."

And even then I would need to think hard about it.

Be careful.

[bloomie]

SeaBreeze - I am so impressed with your level headed response to this person circling back around to you and your family. And your DS!!!!  Just, Wow!!! So wise!

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you, 1foot and Bloomie!

In my younger days in the FOG, I would have either a. Called her and cussed her out or b. Met her for lunch and worked things out. Thankfully in my older age I try to find a healthy medium between those 2 approaches!

I agree I need a more specific apology (but that still doesn't mean we get to be buddies again). I  agree she's trying to keep the upper hand/control; it's why I did at least leave her the voicemail stating NOT to come to my home so hopefully she doesn't show up on my doorstep again. (I had a nice chuckle at 1foot's example apology! You described some other people I know...)

I also agree she likely needs something, be it supply, or help around her house, or whatever. I've wondered if she might be a communal narc, which is one reason I already kept a certain distance and boundaries in place before her strange meltdown. She's well-known in our community, with a very wide circle of acquaintances, but seems to rotate through and change out a much smaller cast of closer friends. I can't help but think she's rotated back around to me as she has exhausted her current shortlist of "friends"?

DS says it's been an educational exercise in learning you don't have to hate someone to still know it's not healthy to have them in your life. As for DD, she has not taken the accusations personally at all, and hopes this person is okay but also says no need to subject any of us to another meltdown. I wish I'd had my kids' insight at their ages! But then I wouldn't have married either of my PD husbands and my kids wouldn't be here today, so we live and we (hopefully) learn.

[SeaBreeze]

(It just hit me, I've been comparing this friend's meltdown to the ones my mother often had. But in describing why I think this friend might be a communal narc, I could have been describing my dad's mother! She was a very prominent figure in her community. Born on a certain holiday, so she and my grandfather hosted a huge annual birthday gala that made the local society pages every year. Behind closed doors though, my grandmother would randomly freak out at the inner circle over imagined slights. She and my mom had it out once and we didn't see her for nearly a year until my grandfather smoothed things over. Hmm, wow...)

[Rebel13]

SeaBreeze, thank you for the term "communal narcissist"! It's brilliant! I certainly have seen the type but having a name for it is great.

I'm so glad you are being clear and thoughtful about how you want to include this person in your life, if at all. And clearly you've helped your kids have good instincts and radar for recognizing and managing bad behavior, which is amazing.

[countrygirl]

Hi SeaBreeze,

I happened to see this post not too long after I posted this morning about hearing from a friend with whom I had gone NC.  You handled things in a very well-thought-out manner.  And your son and daughter were truly amazing. 

I heard from my former friend on Sat. night.  I was stunned, and not in a good way!

My friend never apologized to me, yet thinks that I will be happy to hear from her.  Once she showed up at my place, but we were away.  She happened to run into the person who was taking care of our cat, though, so I heard about her showing up.

Once she started to apologize for a particularly bad meltdown, but then quickly turned it into how much SHE had been upset--by her own behavior!  "Go figure!" One of those non-apology apologies, like when people say, "I am sorry that you were upset by what I said."

Please keep us posted!  You and your children make a good team!

[1footouttadefog]

It was great that they were strong and informed enough to handle things so well. Good job mom.