5 years down, 4 to go

[Stillirise]

I'm dropping in to update on my 5 years of co-parenting with my uPDxh.  DD, my youngest, was 9 when I filed for divorce, so we have passed the 1/2 way point of the court mandated co-parenting arrangements.

To say it has been a rollercoaster would be an understatement. Also, I hate rollercoasters.  I am forever grateful to Penny Lane, and others on this thread, who have helped me more than you'll ever know.

A few things I've learned:
—The kids seem to figure out who has their best interests at heart pretty quickly.  They might not always show it, if they are trying to keep the waters calm in PD-land.

—Apparently PD's can't stand when things are going well at the other house, so be prepared for the random boundary assault when things are good at home.

-Refer to the toolbox when you need to be reminded that the PD's behavior isn't about you, or the kids.

-Sometimes you might still have to stand in the gap for your kids.  It hasn't happened for me in a while.  However, there have been times I have firmly stood up to the uPDxh, on behalf of the kids.  Do we suffer some consequences as a result? Yes.  Do behaviors change, at least temporarily? Sometimes.  I feel it is important to let the kids see that my integrity and intentions are aligned for their best interest.

-Conversely, for most things, I think it has been useful for the children to learn to navigate their own relationship with their uPDf. They are mid-teens now.  I occasionally drop hints from the toolbox, while trying not to say anything bad about their dad, or make it sound like a lecture.

—updxh's tool of choice is spending lavishly on certain things (never necessities) for the kids, then reminding me, and them, of how much he spent.  I let him.  It's his money. He can do with it what he wants. If the kids don't buy into his transactional love, that's on him—not them, or me.

-The dog-eared, heavily highlighted copy of Fjelstad's "Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent," will probably remain in my bedside table for at least the next 4 years.

—There are days I don't handle any of this "the right way," but I try to give myself grace, and remember that's just life sometimes, especially when raising teenagers. 

The thought of this long-term co-parenting arrangement was the one thing that scared me the most 5 years ago.  In some ways, it has actually gone better than I expected, due in large part to this place.  I think knowing it would be difficult, and preparing myself, made a terrible situation seem less daunting. Also, the resilience of my children has been truly astounding to me.  I have learned so much from them throughout this process.  As we grow into the next phase, toward adulthood for them, I find myself following their lead more and more.

Reporting live from the trenches,
Stillirise

[bloomie]

Stillirise - with a huge lump in my throat, I want to say I have great appreciation for your update - thank you for sharing these hard won insights and for parenting your children with wisdom and such grace. You are creating a legacy of love and understanding with your children instead of bitterness and strife. 

[Penny Lane]

Stillirise, it is so great to hear that you're doing well! Thank you for the kind callout. I have learned so much from this forum.

These are all AMAZING takeaways, and I heartily second all of them.

Things for us have gotten so much easier too over the years. I always say that BM doesn't get better, but DH gets better at handling her (and thanks to this forum!)

I'm so proud of the peace you've carved out for yourself and your children. And here's to a less and less eventful second half of your coparenting era!