Struggling

[FindingGrace]

I have really been struggling with my PD parents lately. I thought I had a handle on things after I went no contact 6 months ago. But, my wedding is coming up soon and to say that the dust is getting kicked up is quite the understatement. The lies, gossip, and flying monkeys being sent by them to extended family members has been both disturbing and devastating. Now, no one from my family is going to be at the wedding. I know family is what you make of it...but it's still strange to think such a huge chunk of people will be missing, part because of I don't want them there, and part because they have been convinced that I am ungrateful, manipulative, cruel (and who knows what else has been said about me). One well-meaning relative called me and asked if I would consider "mending fences" because they "knew" "how well I was raised" and how much "my parents have been there for me." I have intentionally chosen NOT to involve extended family in my survival story and find it a huge invite for I said/they said that will only create chaos and opportunities for them to stand on their PD pulpit. I know, without hesitation, my life is more peaceful and healthy since I have gone no contact. But right now, this is a very painful time.

[Rebel13]

I'm really sorry to hear things are being so tough for you. It's hard when what should be a celebration, coming together, and sharing of love and affection among people who've known each other a long time is so fraught and distressing. It sounds like you've decided to make your day about your "family of choice" and I hope that turns out to be very wonderful for you. You aren't doing anything wrong in including people who care for you well, and excluding those who don't.

All the best to you.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Finding Grace!
You are doing what's best for you, and that's what you should keep reminding yourself when things get tough. Weddings tend to make PDs crazier than usual and are butter on the bread of flying monkeys. Even though you get a lot of pressure now, your wedding way will be so much better and more peaceful without them in it. And after the wedding the dust will settle. Hang in there!

[FindingGrace]

Thank you both for your kind words. I didn't expect this part would be so hard and hearing from community is making a huge difference. I'm grateful

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so sorry, Grace.  I wish you didn't have this bummer family stuff coming up at such a cherished time with your precious wedding ceremony .  Unfortunately PDs & FMs don't usually rise to the occasion during important times.

I'm sure many of us have had similar experiences preceding our weddings.  It was long ago for me, but I remember just a few days before the ceremony a good friend speaking to me of a larger "mother" presence that had nothing to do with my family that would be there for me.  As she spoke of it, I could feel it, feel myself being held and honored by it, and somehow the feelings of betrayal and rejection from my parents seemed to be eclipsed by that.

I hope you find all you need, emotionally and otherwise, to have a beautiful, wonderful wedding.

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry your upcoming joyful event is being tainted by this.   But, kudos to you for keeping your peace safe.   It is alright to feel that grief over the family you should have gotten, rather than the one you did grow up with.   I have found other parent figures over the years.   I call them my family of friends.   You have to be pretty special/safe/emotionally mature to be in my family of friends.   

I was so deep in the fog when we got married.   My mother managed to make herself the center of attention by catching my bouquet.   My married, middle aged mother caught my bouquet and was quite the spectacle getting a garter slid up her leg.   It was YEARS before I realized all the ways she made the my wedding about herself.   I think back on it now and cringe.   

Best wishes for your special day.

[TimetoHeal]

I have intentionally chosen NOT to involve extended family in my survival story

I can't tell you how much I love this wording and love that you have chosen this for yourself.  Bravo to you for choosing peace and life. 

I'm sorry you are struggling right now.  Planning a wedding is stressful enough without PD relatives kicking up the dust.  Don't you think your "well-meaning" relative perfectly confirmed why you have made this decision by what he/she said?  Hold your ground and focus on the wonderful blessing of your upcoming marriage.