Anyone Else. PD Spouse Married to their FOO

[Abigail.2025]

I have a husband problem—specifically, a uPD-husband problem. He got it from his family of origin.
When it comes to his uPD mother—my MIL—he does a few things that absolutely drive me up the wall.
Whenever she verbally assaults people closest to her, my husband brushes it off:
"She just says crazy things."
He minimizes the damage, refuses to acknowledge the real harm caused by her hurtful words.
After years of this behavior, the daughter-in-laws (myself included) have completely checked out. We won't go near her, not even in the same room.
The son-in-law disappear whenever she visits—"I have to work," he say.
Her own daughter avoids her too. If she visits at all, she stays in a hotel to limit the exposure.
Even MIL's own husband emotionally left the marriage decades ago. For the last eleven years, he's been working on his escape plan as they continue to live as hostile roommates.
And yet, my husband tells himself (and me) that the reason so many people have problems with MIL is because we don't understand her.
We do understand her! That's why we stay away!
When that doesn't work, he deflects:
"Your side of the family has toxic people too, and you still deal with them."
To which I say:
Which of these things is not like the other?

Unlike MIL, those people (if they even exist outside my husband's rationalizing mind) don't go out of their way to:
•   Pick fights
•   Weaponize personal information
•   Throw tantrums in public
•   Triangulate family members
•   Play favorites
•   Enter someone's home only to nitpick (torture them for hours) listing every wrong thing they've done in the last twenty years, every character defect she believes they have.

Oh—and have I told you about the mind games she plays on the phone? She always has something nasty to say about someone. No one is safe.
Long story short, my MIL has a few sons and one daughter. The daughter keeps her distance. The sons, though? They're like cult members, still holding the line for their toxic leader.
My husband isn't married to me.
He's married to his cult leader—his mother.
That is how I see it and have to use radial acceptance to cope.

[SeaBreeze]

My first husband, ex-uNPDh #1, was the Golden Child of his uNPD queen bee mother and enabling father who literally ran their family like cult. Ex-MIL would occasionally scapegoat ex-H and triangulate him, his siblings, and all their spouses when she was bored. To say first H and his mother were enmeshed would be an understatement! I competed with ex-MIL, ex-H competed with me, so they both liked to gang up on me in narc solidarity. I do not miss the drama of those years!!! Like you, it wasn't so much that I had a MIL problem but that I had a husband problem. In my case, an enmeshed, cult member, mama boy, golden child uNPDh problem.

As long as your husband chooses to remain blind and defends his mother's behavior, you can only protect yourself from her behavior while setting healthy boundaries with your spouse. Or, as I finally had to do, escape the family system by leaving altogether. (I do not use the term "escape" lightly when describing what happened!)

[notrightinthehead]

Abigail, you definitely have a husband problem and the best you can do is protect yourself and let both MIL and PDh destroy your life as little as possible. You should use the toolbox strategies when dealing with your h, especially medium chill and non JADE, best you give up trying to convince your h, best stop discussing your MIL with him altogether. Instead role model healthy living for him, looking after your own well being, standing up for yourself, implementing strict boundaries and sticking to them.

[1footouttadefog]

My husband was in his mother's cult as an only child.  She was a grandiose narcissist.  He was the good little momma's boy.

I always thought he was a good guy at heart and was just enduring all that for her favor.  Fast forward to the 20 year mark in our marriage and she passed.  He was already showing signs of mental illness but once she passed away he started becoming someone else.

It's almost like Mr nice guy was all an act to please mommy dearest and as time passed and it became apparent he would never have mommy's approval and attention like he wanted he saw no point in playing the role.  There was no longer a reward worth playing for. 

He is not enough entirely awful person, he just does not respect me as a woman or wife.  He lies like a toddler to get his way, and is embarrassingly in need of attention by any woman he encounters in public.  Waitresses, clerks etc.   

I not being a narc cannot provide narc flavored supply and attention.  It's amazing how he can sniff them out.  I actually notice if he pics someone out of a group and see it as a red flag until I have time to observe for myself. 

Now we are at, 40 years in.  I raised my kids and am an empty nester, never paid enough into social security, depend on him for medical insurance and am his caretaker and guardian.  I live as a single woman with an adult child that I take care of as a profession.  I have him and my rental properties as my jobs.  I will liquidate them later as needed to live my end of life stage.  I am quite a bit younger so perhaps I can have some golden years and travel if my health holds out.