Christmas

[thereyouare]

It's June. The Christmas holiday has always been rife with pressure from my PDmom. I spend a lot of money making an out of town holiday for me & my son, so she can't be involved. Now, we live in the same town, so I'm already thinking what to do for the holiday. I want my just turning 20 year old to be in a safe, balanced atmosphere. My PDmom lived with us for 6 mo when he was 12. He came to me to say, Nana's trying to divide us, to come between us, saying bad things about you. He also came into the kitchen in sobbing tears when she told a total stranger, who was out walking while she was putting something in the trunk of her car, that I am a POS. My son said she was telling this guy personal details about me. He was visibly shaking. And yet, I periodically tried to allow her into our lives. She threw a fit at his 8th-grade graduation. Mostly, he has little to no contact with her. I hate to admit that I have said (when she's in her tricky *nice periods), please text Nana to thank her for the money she sent to you.

I've tried dinner in restaurants, but she usually treats me badly when around others, & he was livid the last time it happened -not like a kid anymore but like a grown man.

So two yrs ago London/Oxford and last year Vermont. Now, I want to SAVE money.  "nana" has already called me 3x today, & I'm still in school! My son's bday is Thursday, & I'm having him & his gf over for cake & dinner. His gf is transgender. It seems this fact was discovered by a cousin, looking through medications while visiting, who rudely told my brothers who told my mother. This is unacceptable. She used to call me a N***** lover throughout the years with I was with my Black partner.

I told her this is the line she cannot cross: If you hurt my son, you are done. I see now that I've allowed her to hurt him through seeing her hurt me! I want to cut her off. In the short-term, I want to plan a pleasant afternoon with my son and summer and the following holidays. Oh my gosh, it seems I just want to get help figuring out how to enjoy my autonomy while living in the same town as my elderly, PD, narcissistic mother who is currently acting *nice (from her own desperate need for me to be some fantasy of hers).

What to do bout her to keep her at arm's length and keep my brothers' understanding?

[Rebel13]

Hi thereyouare,

What to do bout her to keep her at arm's length and keep my brothers' understanding?

For the first part of your question, I suggest checking out the Toolbox section, particularly the article on boundaries. Gray rock and medium chill are good communication strategies that can help hold boundaries when they are questioned or challenged. There are lots of people here who have similar struggles and you could look through the "dealing with parents" forums to read their stories and see what has helped them. I'm sure some of them will chime in here as well with suggestions and support for you.

For the second part, unfortunately, we don't control other people. Your brothers will have whatever opinions they have about your decisions, and that's their right. I hope they too see the problems with your mom's behavior and that they will support you, but this isn't always the case, so you may need boundaries and communication strategies with them also.

You have a right to keep yourself safe from harm and abuse. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your son, and now that he is an adult he can make his own choices about spending time with your mother, and defend those choices any way that feels right to him. I am not a parent, but in my opinion, encouraging your son to thank your mother for a gift doesn't sound wrong or bad to me. It is good to have manners and express gratitude, even towards people whose behavior is problematic.

All the best to you.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, TYA.  Welcome to our Forum.  I second what Rebel said about familiarizing yourself with the toolbox and reading some of the posts that seem pertinent.  This may not apply to you, but often in PD families siblings and other members take on roles as enablers or "flying monkeys" who do the PD's bidding.  We can use the tools to deal with people in these roles as well.  Some of us go low-, very low-, or no-contact, even while living in the same town, though that is strictly up to each person.

The fact that your son, at age 12, was able to recognize what your mother was doing and felt safe enough to tell you, & that he continues to respond appropriately to watching her continue those behaviors is such good news!  I hope you have a wonderful birthday dinner and rest of the year with him and his partner.

[Liketheducks]

You have some great advice here.   Grey rock like your peace depends on it.   

I live in the same town as my mother, as well.    Though, my mother depends on me to maintain as relationship with her....so it is pretty easy for me to back off if I need space or to lean in if I feel up to it. 

I found planning out the holidays works best for me.   I don't announce every plan unless asked.   And I don't tell her why.  As in, "This year, we're trying something different.   We're spending the holiday/birthday with our son and his girlfriend and their family.   We've been doing this medium chill for awhile...so everyone knows not to assume that a specific holiday will be spent together just because we're family.   I want to say....we're doing something different because you create chaos at every family gathering....but I know that it won't change anything.   She's been this way for decades and won't be changing now.   

You cannot control how your siblings interpret your behavior....you can only control your response to their judgement.   Realizing that and taking control over your own response is so liberating and life changing.  Eventually, the truth always comes out.   Might take time.   In my FOO, mom moved through me, then each of my siblings...now onto distant cousins for supply.   None of us in the immediate FOO have a very close relationship anymore.