Don't know whether to be insulted, angry, or hurt. Feel all 3 and more

[TimetoHeal]

Mother is ratcheting it up daily now it seems, or at least weekly.  She certainly does not like the boundaries I have set about not answering her long convoluted emails and texts.  She turned to brother last week, and is already ghosting him about plans for moving into assisted living.

Anyway, today was just the bees knees.  She texts me in her cryptic way, "Time, call me as soon as you see this".  I took deep breaths and fortified myself and called her.  First words out of her mouth:  "I have a check for $2000 for you to come over here and sit with me while I meet the bug man and he bombs the house again for bugs.  Just come over and I'll pay for your day".  I am gobsmacked.  That she thinks she can pay me to give up my day, my life, my sanity and my health, and come over and do her bidding.  That all I care about is money, and that is all it will take.  That ANY amount of money in the world is worth going over there and being poisoned not only by whatever bombs they are going to set off in her house today (is that even legal?), but by the poison that will come out of her mouth the whole time.  I am barely recovering (not really) from our visit last week that was exactly the same.  I could smell the horrific amount of bug spray from last time, and I am extremely chemically sensitive. 

I said, no I absolutely cannot do that.  She said she is at the end of her rope and the next step is calling 911, but she doesn't know what to say to them.  I asked have you called your doctor. She says, "And say what?" and I say you will tell them exactly what you just told me.  She says she can't do it until tomorrow because the bug man is coming.  Does this sound like she really thinks it's an emergency then?  I said I would drive her to the hospital if she needs to go, but I would not come over and sit there.  I had to literally cut her off and say I had to go, because I could tell she was gearing up for one of her hour to two hour rants, and I couldn't take it.  I could tell she was seething not to get the response from me that she wanted. 

Dear God, this is just a never ending nightmare!  I am more and more afraid to be alone with her.  I don't know what she will do or what she might accuse me of.  I don't know if I can even handle her riding in the car with me to the hospital or doctor's office. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow wow wow it looks like things really are falling apart with her. Is her doctor aware of this behavior and the bug obsession? I mean, if even the cockroaches can't survive in that house, you are so right to stay out of it.

I'm also struck by your being afraid to be alone with her. Would it in fact be feasible to just make that boundary for yourself, that you need a witness/support from here on out when you interact with her? I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[xredshoesx]

sending strength @TimetoHeal.  all money isn't good money and i'm proud of you for seeing the lure for what it is- an attempt to bribe you into being a sitting duck for your mother's vitriol.

I agree with @Call Me Cordelia  that having a second person with you if you do have to be with her as being a good boundary for you.  you could even do a 'safe word' with the person so if that turn of phrase comes out of your mouth, the second party has a 'thing' they have to get home for.

sending you peace- I feel that if I was still in contact with my mother I would be going through something similar.   

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you CallMeCordelia and red shoes!

Cordelia, her doctor is not aware, because when she sees him every 6 months to get blood work and get her sleeping pills renewed, she pulls it together and acts totally normal.  She is due for a checkup this month.  As usual, I will offer to go with her, and as usual, she will turn me down. I don't know how much to push for it at this point.  My brother actually tried to call her doctor last week and they would not talk to him since, even thought he WILL be POA when the time comes, it is not activated.  I think you're right that is a boundary I need to make for myself to not be alone with her. 

red shoes, I appreciate the strength and support.  This is just so much worse than I even expected her to be (although why I don't know, it's just shocking now that it's here) and it seems to just go on and on.  For at least 5 years now she's been "dying" or "on the verge of a mental breakdown", yet nothing is found wrong with her.  She is only 78, so this could go on for quite a while. It's shocking to watch her pull it all together when she has to deal with a service person or someone who comes to her door, and then immediately fall back to helpless waif when it's just us. 

[walking on broken glass]

Hi time to heal!
Yes, insulted, angry, and hurt are all valid responses! I am sorry she's been driving you crazy. I absolutely agree with Cordelia and xredshoes that you should have someone with you and not be alone with her. I set up this boundary for myself for both parents, when my dad was alive, and would only visit with my partner. He was happy to be used as a buffer and it saved me from many unpleasant situations. If I ever go to see my mum again, I don't want to be on my own either. I think it's time we embraced our instincts instead of fighting against them. Sending you hugs xx

[Rebel13]

I think it's time we embraced our instincts instead of fighting against them. Sending you hugs xx

 

Fully agree! I hope you find ways to get the peace and safety you need and deserve!!!

[TimetoHeal]

Update:
We are in the ER right now, and mom will be admitted for "behavioral health" assessment probably at another hospital. I knew this was coming. My gut knew. Please send any prayers, well wishes, good thoughts

[Call Me Cordelia]

You've got prayers and so much goodwill here, TTH. I really pray for an outcome that is good for YOU! You've really suffered enough in my opinion.

[TimetoHeal]

You've got prayers and so much goodwill here, TTH. I really pray for an outcome that is good for YOU! You've really suffered enough in my opinion.

Thank you so much!  I feel like I should be relieved, but I feel so guilty.  I feel like I failed her. 

[walking on broken glass]

Sending you lots of hugs and good wishes! May it all go in the least painful way possible for you