Am I Overreacting?

[chowder]

There is a history of my feeling isolated with the dominance of H and his family at get-togethers, since my family is all gone now.  All the focus is always on them, and I feel like an observer. 

This week H just told me that while he was with DD, he discussed our hosting Christmas this year for the family.  DD lives nearby, but this would be at our home, now our empty nest.  Again, I told him I feel left out that he didn't say anything to me first.  We're both retired and together constantly, so no reason he couldn't have mentioned it to me.  He also told DD that he would "run it past me."  This also lets her see that I do not come first with him when it comes to a major decision like this.

I grew up with triangulation with FOO, and this just feels like more of the same.  I also don't know what my options are other than to go along with it - if I say no, then DD knows that it was all right with Dad, and Mom was the bad guy.  He's set me up like this before.

Am I overreacting?  Thoughts?  Thank you!

[Rebel13]

Hi chowder, I'm sorry this happened. It sounds confusing and like you might be feeling a bit insecure about it. That's no fun, especially when it involves your primary relationship.

I don't think you're overreacting. If something matters to you, then it matters! What do you think would happen if you asked your husband, in the future, to discuss holiday plans (or any plans, or hosting get-togethers, or whatever phrasing makes sense to you) with you first, before involving others? Do you feel your husband would be interested in your feelings and concerns and try to modify his behavior? Do you think you'd have a productive conversation that might bring you closer?

[chowder]

Hi, Rebel13,

I've tried that approach in the past, but I suppose it can't hurt to try again, with hopefully a productive outcome that will stick this time.

Thank you!

[notrightinthehead]

Hi Chowder, I have been in this situation - where something was decided without consulting me first and I went along with it (resentfully) in order to not make waves.

Talking to your husband and trying to make him change his behaviour - you know our stand on trying to change another person. It seldom works.

Christmas is a while away still - do you want to host the dinner? Could you make it yours, if so? Invite some friends to have some people in your corner? If you do not want to host, could you find an alternative location? A restaurant? Could you get active and decide what YOU really want to do with it, then go out and make that happen?

Good luck and let us know what happens.

[chowder]

Hi, Notright - what a wonderful idea.  Perhaps I will include a couple of my friends who live nearby, or plan another activity of my choosing during the family's visit.  As you said, there's plenty of time to think about it, and the wheels are turning....thank you!

[1footouttadefog]

This is tough because you also want your DD to have her own relationship with her father.  The kids don't have to always deal with you as a team especially as adults. 

I also get the being run over on them planning for things without you. 

I have been in the middle of such things for years.  I have used different solutions at different times to mitigate things

Inviting my own friends like family folks, or a couple of people I know would be alone if not given an invite. If I am doing it out of charity towards the in laws anyway, why not a couple more, Lol

At other times there were a group of us friends who would meet in the morning for Cariar, Dom Perignon and expensive cheese and crackers and crudite and wine.  We would fellowship and joke around about share narc stories talk about what was ahead then go home to fix holiday meals for the narc in laws. 

Your daughter and Husband planned this.  You need to have another meeting where you. Break down the housework that needs done in prep and who is preparing which dishes.  Your daughter needs some large parts in this. I am thinking she can Iron the table cloth, napkins and guest towels, for example and make sure they are back to you a week ahead of time.

Some foods can be used after preparing ahead.  Salads.  Casseroles can some times be held in the fridge a day before going into the oven.  Perhaps you could plan two dinners back to back so all the preparing can be doubly useful for a narc and non narc pair of dinners. 

I do a type or herbed seasoned potato wedges.  I would serve them for my friends with perhaps grilled seafood and with relatives with ham or turkey.  I would double in the salads.  Ditto the roasted veggies by having one in the fridge until next evening. 

It really sets a good mood to exchange inexpensive yet very meaningful gifts with people who actually know and love you for you before dealing with the narcs. So having a little gathering among friends prior to the Actual holiday is healthy.