I'm done with birthdays and holidays

[samanil]

Hi everyone. I'm curious what your thoughts are on this behavior from my Dad. I was making plans with him for my birthday a couple years ago and he demanded we go out to eat where he wanted to go. I was taken aback and said that I should decide since it's my birthday. He said he's paying so he should get to decide. I found this borderline outrageous and very selfish so I made up that I didn't feel well and didn't see him on my birthday. Then a year later, for some reason I decided to try again to make plans with him for my birthday. Again he demanded he get to choose where we go, and he wanted to go to the same place as the year prior, which he claimed is "so good." I asked him what's so good about it, and he said something very vague and unconvincing. I folded to his demand and went to the restaurant. While eating I asked when the last time he went there was. He said 25 years. I was shocked he was so insistent we go to such a "good" restaurant 2 of my birthdays in a row, which apparently wasn't good enough for him to go to once of his own accord for the past quarter century.

Another time for fathers day he listed out some things we could do, and I picked one of those things. He then critcized me for choosing the easiest option and not caring (an option he proposed).

So, I'm done seeing that dude for special days. Father's day is coming up and he's getting a text from me, that's it.

Curious what yall think of that behavior. I know it may sound petty compared to some more blatantly abusive/ dysfunctional behavior on here, but there are scars on my psyche from that type of selfish BS which I pray I can heal.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, samanil,

Welcome to the boards.

This sounds like pretty typical PD behavior.  It's all about control with them.  It's not that he really cares that much about that particular restaurant, or obviously he would have gone there at least a few times in the last 25 years, but it's that HE got to choose, not you.  On Father's Day, even thought you chose something he proposed, it was the "wrong" choice.  I'm sure no matter what you chose, it would have been the "wrong" choice.  PD's set us up to fail so that they can blame and criticize.  Holidays seem to be the time that they ratchet up the abuse and chaos and drama. 

I am so sorry you have a lifetime of dealing with this.  You are correct to name your scars as such, even if they don't seem to be as deep or life-threatening as someone else's scars.  It doesn't matter.  They take a toll just like physical beatings do, maybe just more slowly and insidiously. 

I applaud you for setting boundaries.  You have every right to protect yourself and start to heal. 

[bloomie]

samanil - Hi there! Adding another welcome to the community. I am glad you are here.

Double Binds like you describe here, can add up to an overall attitude and atmosphere of disregard and unspoken power struggle that is simply exhausting.

There is no reasoning behind the choices we are presented with. They are often capricious and a set up to miss the ever moving target of approval and value for us and our special days.

You are wise to drop the rope and offer a text and move on from the frustration and wounding this kind of thing can bring!

[samanil]

Hi, samanil,

Welcome to the boards.

This sounds like pretty typical PD behavior.  It's all about control with them.  It's not that he really cares that much about that particular restaurant, or obviously he would have gone there at least a few times in the last 25 years, but it's that HE got to choose, not you.  On Father's Day, even thought you chose something he proposed, it was the "wrong" choice.  I'm sure no matter what you chose, it would have been the "wrong" choice.  PD's set us up to fail so that they can blame and criticize.  Holidays seem to be the time that they ratchet up the abuse and chaos and drama. 

I am so sorry you have a lifetime of dealing with this.  You are correct to name your scars as such, even if they don't seem to be as deep or life-threatening as someone else's scars.  It doesn't matter.  They take a toll just like physical beatings do, maybe just more slowly and insidiously. 

I applaud you for setting boundaries.  You have every right to protect yourself and start to heal. 

Thank you so much for confirming my perception, acknowledging and sympathizing with my scars, and honoring my decision to set boundaries in the pursuit of healing. And especially right before Father's Day. It means a lot and is so validating. I will refer back to and cherish your input. Your username really checks out! Thanks again.

[samanil]

samanil - Hi there! Adding another welcome to the community. I am glad you are here.

Double Binds like you describe here, can add up to an overall attitude and atmosphere of disregard and unspoken power struggle that is simply exhausting.

There is no reasoning behind the choices we are presented with. They are often capricious and a set up to miss the ever moving target of approval and value for us and our special days.

You are wise to drop the rope and offer a text and move on from the frustration and wounding this kind of thing can bring!

This is so helpful to hear. Yes, a double bind is exactly what it is, and it is such an exhausting and invalidating power struggle--with someone who is supposed to be there for me. Thank you for honoring my decision to "drop the rope" and be free. It is incredible how nourishing it is to feel seen for struggling with this type of behavior. Thank you.

[Liketheducks]

The behavior sounds familiar.   Damned if you do and damned if you don't....all the while not really getting to enjoy your celebrations.

I would cultivate a list of adventures YOU want to have to celebrate your holidays.   And, a list of ways to celebrate his holidays, if you choose to do so, that feel comfortable for you.   We've all been brought up to cater to the whims of our parents.   Since coming Out of the FOG, most of my ways of celebrating holidays for my parents is to send flowers or a gift and let them know I was thinking of them.
And for my birthday, I do whatever the hell I want usually out of town and nourishing to me.   

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you so much for confirming my perception, acknowledging and sympathizing with my scars, and honoring my decision to set boundaries in the pursuit of healing. And especially right before Father's Day. It means a lot and is so validating. I will refer back to and cherish your input. Your username really checks out! Thanks again.

You are so welcome!  I am late to the game (in terms of age) in my healing, but I believe it is never too late!

[samanil]

The behavior sounds familiar.  Damned if you do and damned if you don't....all the while not really getting to enjoy your celebrations.

I would cultivate a list of adventures YOU want to have to celebrate your holidays.  And, a list of ways to celebrate his holidays, if you choose to do so, that feel comfortable for you.  We've all been brought up to cater to the whims of our parents.  Since coming Out of the FOG, most of my ways of celebrating holidays for my parents is to send flowers or a gift and let them know I was thinking of them.
And for my birthday, I do whatever the hell I want usually out of town and nourishing to me. 

Good call. I've actually been considering taking my 2 week vacation during Christmas and New Years (also my birthday) this year which would be a double whammy of getting out of town during the holidays and doing something I love on my birthday (travel).

I like the idea of making a list of things to do with him that I feel comfortable with. The problem is that at this point I don't want to spend too much time with him at once, so it would have to be something relatively short. The problem is that he makes it clear how unhappy he is with me (explicitly or implicitly with facial expressions) when I am unwilling to spend long periods of time with him. He is lonely and has no one but me to assuage that loneliness, and does nothing to try to fix it himself. So, he tries to manipulate me by making me feel bad when I don't want to spend a lot of time with him. It is unpleasant to deal with and at this point I have given up on trying to "get through to him" by communicating to him how his behavior is unfair and unpleasant. This would result in more similar behavior from him. So I don't know how to proceed.

I texted my Dad, "Happy Father's Day" last weekend and his response was, "I don't blame you." I didn't respond. I think he's either losing it mentally (unlikely, though he is in his 70s), or that this is more manipulation (likely). Instead of trying to repair the relationship by putting his best foot forward and communicating, he is playing little manipulative games--sending cryptic texts designed to influence my behavior, probably by trying to evoke sympathy/confusion so that I feel compelled to communicate with him and repair the damage that he did.

That's my take on it, though I'm interested to hear other perspectives.

[Liketheducks]

Yep....classic "I don't blame you" 

I've reached the conclusion that I have to be the "adult" in our relationship.   My parents just don't have the ability to self-reflect.   They also clearly are unhappy with the level of contact we have, but don't realize why.   I think my mom thinks I'm doing it to punish her.   Whereas, what I'm doing is just not engaging in the manipulation.   I think it is ok to feel empathy for a his loneliness, but not responsibility for it.

Your comment about him trying to evoke sympathy/confusion so that you feel compelled to repair the damage he did....whew, that really hit home for me. 

Here's a gross;y oversimplified version of one of the big events in my relationship with my PD mom.    After my mom lived with me and my FOC for a few years I had to offer her another place to stay , that I would move her into, pay for, and furnish, outside of our home.   The chaos in our home was just too much.  Understandably, she was not happy about this.   I tried to continue communicating, making arrangements, being polite....but when I didn't take on the emotional labor of 1. Reading her mind about what she wanted and 2. Providing it on a silver platter...she cut me off and didn't take me up on the offer.  She couch surfed and lived in her car.   Though she told my entire FOO the exact opposite....that I had made her homeless.   We are VLC now.   She's living on her own, in her own place, and seems to be happy.   She's made friends.  Though she has run through most of the supply she can in our FOO.    There are times now that I have to remind myself that I did an incredibly generous thing and that she cut me off and lied to all of the family about it.   She still wants me to rush in a fix everything.   I have to take a breath before making those decisions.   My whole being has been programmed to do all the fixing.   I have to shake my head at times and tell myself "but wait....this isn't really what happened".   

Take care.

[samanil]

Yep....classic "I don't blame you" 

I've reached the conclusion that I have to be the "adult" in our relationship.   My parents just don't have the ability to self-reflect.   They also clearly are unhappy with the level of contact we have, but don't realize why.   I think my mom thinks I'm doing it to punish her.   Whereas, what I'm doing is just not engaging in the manipulation.   I think it is ok to feel empathy for a his loneliness, but not responsibility for it.

Your comment about him trying to evoke sympathy/confusion so that you feel compelled to repair the damage he did....whew, that really hit home for me. 

Here's a gross;y oversimplified version of one of the big events in my relationship with my PD mom.    After my mom lived with me and my FOC for a few years I had to offer her another place to stay , that I would move her into, pay for, and furnish, outside of our home.   The chaos in our home was just too much.  Understandably, she was not happy about this.   I tried to continue communicating, making arrangements, being polite....but when I didn't take on the emotional labor of 1. Reading her mind about what she wanted and 2. Providing it on a silver platter...she cut me off and didn't take me up on the offer.  She couch surfed and lived in her car.   Though she told my entire FOO the exact opposite....that I had made her homeless.   We are VLC now.   She's living on her own, in her own place, and seems to be happy.   She's made friends.  Though she has run through most of the supply she can in our FOO.    There are times now that I have to remind myself that I did an incredibly generous thing and that she cut me off and lied to all of the family about it.   She still wants me to rush in a fix everything.   I have to take a breath before making those decisions.   My whole being has been programmed to do all the fixing.   I have to shake my head at times and tell myself "but wait....this isn't really what happened".   

Take care.

Wow now that is a wild story. It sounds like you were extremely patient and generous (to an extent I could never be with my mom. Live with me? That is a hard hard no.). Meanwhile your mom had outrageous expectations that were impossible to meet. Sounds like a good thing that you are VLC.

[TimetoHeal]

I texted my Dad, "Happy Father's Day" last weekend and his response was, "I don't blame you." I didn't respond. I think he's either losing it mentally (unlikely, though he is in his 70s), or that this is more manipulation (likely). Instead of trying to repair the relationship by putting his best foot forward and communicating, he is playing little manipulative games--sending cryptic texts designed to influence my behavior, probably by trying to evoke sympathy/confusion so that I feel compelled to communicate with him and repair the damage that he did.

That's my take on it, though I'm interested to hear other perspectives.

Yes I completely agree with your take on it!

My mom has made comments lately that almost seem to sound like she is self-reflecting.  For example, she said, "I never see you" (not true), and "I understand why you don't want to see me".  My first thought was, does she finally understand?  But I really think it is a manipulation tactic to induce guilt. And dammit, it still works. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah... I agree you are probably right on the manipulation. "I don't blame you."?!? What in the what? That is not a normal response to, "Happy Father's Day." But you already know you don't have a normal relationship.

TTH You brought back a similar memory. Before NC with my parents we saw them very seldom, from my perspective that was their choice. My mother said something similar that she "understood," and I asked her what she meant. She matter of factly explained MiL would have been jealous if they got more time with the grandchildren than they did and that would be hard to deal with. 

[TimetoHeal]

TTH You brought back a similar memory. Before NC with my parents we saw them very seldom, from my perspective that was their choice. My mother said something similar that she "understood," and I asked her what she meant. She matter of factly explained MiL would have been jealous if they got more time with the grandchildren than they did and that would be hard to deal with. 

Haha!  Oh, my goodness, yes!  It just proves that we cannot expect that what is going on in their minds is what would be going on in the mind of a normal person. I have read that and been told that by therapists so many times, yet it's so hard to wrap my mind around.  They literally do not think like we do, which is what makes the whole thing so crazy making.