I found my people

[NemesisThrive]

I've found my people! It's sad that so many of us are experiencing these challenges, but there's comfort in knowing we're not alone. Thank you all for your posts, for sharing and for your wise words. They mean a lot.

I have a mother who just cannot maintain civil peaceful relationships with me or pretty much anyone else. I'm not sure if it's NPD or BPD. Things can be going ok, then she sort of fire-bombs the relationship; she'll say my legs are fat, that my eyes are droopy, my nose is big, that I look ugly in a photo, repeat a humiliating story from my childhood, ask me an embarrassing question. All extremely childish given that she's 77 and I'm 48. I feel wounded, sometimes I react, then we ignore each other, nothing is ever addressed (I've tried; she becomes sarcastic and impossible), then it fades, then we get on ok, then BAM! Again, an attack. So I think feeling close is uncomfortable for her, and she sabotages relationships. She does the same with other family members. That's one feature.

The second feature is that my dad is in complete denial, says she's "just a bit abrasive", sits there like a statue when it happens, then lies and says it didn't happen, then blames me for "being over sensitive". This isn't a character trait anyone else has ever said about me. So I'm supposed to be fine about being body shamed. My feelings seem very inconvenient to my dad, who just wants a status quo, as in: shut up and allow your mother to do as she wants. When discussing with a therapist I find myself feeling much more betrayed by my dad than my mum. So he's a classic enabler. I always thought he was ok, but there's something narcissistic about him too. The way he'd rather protect himself than ever step in to do the right thing. The way he says he's neutral but I can't recall even one time he took my side and protected me. They both say "but we're your biggest supporters!" but there is a long string of painful betrayals and shocking episodes, many times of them insulting me to tears, watching me cry, then telling me it's my own fault. If this is love, it hurts.

Anyway, I'm here because recently it's started to get to me a lot more. Maybe because they're ageing. I feel a lot of grief. I ruminate a lot; what does all of it mean? Not much I know, intellectually I can see they are both limited, both messed up by their own hardcore disciplinarian parents, but deep down I still wish I could fix it.

How can I get started on my healing journey? On acceptance?

All input gratefully received & much appreciated. Thank you for reading.

[Rebel13]

Hi, and welcome! I'm so sorry you've had to cope with this dynamic through your life. The fact that you have enough compassion to acknowledge some of the roots of your parents' behavior, despite their treatment of you, speaks really well for you. If you need it, that's evidence that you haven't done anything to deserve their abuse.

Check out some of the articles in the Toolbox section -- the Three Cs might be a good place to start. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. This, to me, is one of the foundations of radical acceptance. They act how they act, no matter what I might prefer or believe. Their behavior is on them to fix or deal with, and it seems like they've had plenty of time to do that, and haven't. So then you can look at some of the other strategies to start to protect yourself from the abuse -- like learning about boundaries, medium chill, and gray rock. The only person you can change is yourself.

I personally don't know if healing is possible, or how much, when the abuse is ongoing. But if you can carve out some protection and peace for yourself, that's a great place to start.

Wishing you the best.

[bloomie]

NemesisThrive - welcome to Out of the FOG. It seems like you found the community and the resources packed here at just the right time. My heart hurts for you just reading your intro post as I imagine the discomfort and confusion your parents' behaviors bring up in you.

Early in my own journey I had to accept that my own parents' dynamic was what served them and what served the relationship between them. And, even though they kind of traded off good cop/bad cop roles they were always, and I mean always, solely focused on each other to the detriment and exclusion of their children.

Learning about narcissistic family systems was eye opening for me. Accepting what I had no ability to change or control.. that my parents' needs, both separately and together, were always going to take precedence over their children's... was a bitter pill to swallow.

I am sorry your father does not have the strength of character to advocate and protect you and I am sorry your mother is so unkind.

This is a community of fellow travelers where you will find insights, support, and unique understanding of what you are facing and the impact all of this has on you.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. It helps so much to lighten a heavy load!

[NemesisThrive]

@Rebel13 - thank you so much for your kind and informative reply, it is much appreciated. I like the three C's and the idea of radical acceptance. I think that it has to be the goal for me, because I know I keep "going back to the well" when the well really is dry. A few weeks ago at a family dinner she told a "funny story" about me wetting myself when I was three, one of her favourite stories, because it's made me cry in the past (it makes me cry because I vividly remember feeling embarrassed and humiliated by her many times, and I just cannot compute anyone laughing at a kid for wetting themselves, and then repeating the story as entertainment for 40 years; it's so cruel). Then my dad criticised me, saying "your overreaction to a joke is the problem". This situation wasn't new, but I suddenly felt deep grief, and a new acceptance - both freeing and horrifying at the same time - that I'd never get through, that they'd never change. But also that I don't want to deal with it anymore. It's like the universe said "you've let this go 500 times - now try to let this one go: I'm going to give you an extra horrific episode you won't be able to walk past". As is their usual practice of no repair and ignoring what happened, they are now inviting me for dinner, and I'm declining, and they are saying to other people that I'm "so oversensitive". But why would anyone have dinner with a couple who ridicules them for wetting themselves over 40 years ago? As you said, healing isn't possible when there is never ending confrontation happening.

@bloomie - thank you very much for your validating and kind comments. You have already lightened the load, my fellow traveller. You've totally nailed what it is; a dynamic between them, where their needs are most important. In fact, I noticed I play a specific role between the three of us; my mum attacks, my dad starts his repair attempts (repair to the status quo, by blaming me for reacting), and then my mum starts being super nice and baby-voice talking to my dad (it's as bizarre as it sounds), which I think is his reward for criticising me and protecting her, therefore reinforcing the whole dysfunctional cycle. He has no reason to change, and why would she? I wonder if deep down this is engineered to keep forcing my dad into a choice, into constantly proving his love: it's her or the children. It's a dark choice, difficult for me now, and extremely upsetting for me as a kid. The sad thing is that it proves nothing. Within a day he is himself being belittled by her, his defence of her totally forgotten.

[Rebel13]

A few weeks ago at a family dinner she told a "funny story"

Oh yes, the "harmless" story. I remember that one! I was also "too sensitive." It's awful. This sounds weird, I know, but I think it's a good sign when the level of awfulness really hits a person. That means the denial and dissociation and rationalization aren't working anymore. You are on the path Nemesis! I'm so glad you are declining invitations. You get to protect yourself. You're absolutely right, no sane person would put up with this kind of treatment, except those of us who've been groomed into it by the terrible consequences of standing up for ourselves. Well, you're not a kid anymore, and if they mistreat you, you can walk away, because you have the resources to care for yourself now that you didn't before.

Hang in there and take care of you.

[GoodPesto]

I feel for you Nemesis Thrive. Sometimes I think that cruelty that comes with a smile is more damaging than outright meanness, because it is so confusing ("we're your biggest supporters!"). I am happy you are seeing it. Your post got my how-dare-you-treat-her-like-this up quite a bit ... for the kid and for the adult. Like Rebel13 said, you can walk away now although you might feel pinned to the chair. Take good care, you deserve it.

[TimetoHeal]

Welcome, NemesisThrive!

I'm glad you found us. 

One of the most difficult things I've had to deal with is coming to the realization that my dad was an enabler who never took my side and not my hero and wonderful parent that I had built him up as in my head.

I'm so glad you are in therapy now and you've discovered this supportive community.

Time

ETA:  I just read your follow up post about the shaming in the recent dinner.  Ugh!  I am so sorry!  No one should have to endure that.  My parents did the same.  I can remember "special, funny song" my parents (both) sang about me having a soiled diaper when I was very little, maybe 2 or 3.  I guess they thought I couldn't comprehend language at that time.  It's disgusting.