Is this a thing?

[Adria]

We have been getting a lot of invites lately to different events from neighbors and acquaintances. It is very nice, however, noticing a pattern here and wondering if it's a thing or if it is me getting a little put out for no reason. Dh and I have been through a lot the last few years and are very tired and sometimes can't tell if it's them or us.

Anyway, the invite starts out, "Hey we'd like to go to dinner with you and dh. How about 6:00 Friday?"  Or, we'd like to get to know you and dh better, how about coming over for a drink." Always making it sound like it's just us and the other couple.  Then a couple hours or days later, it's, "Hey, we've invited our son and his wife to come too, or three other neighbors as well, etc.

So, we feel like we are being bamboozled, by them making it sound like they want to go to dinner with us, and then they come back with a three ring circus.  They have their wingmen, while we are left sitting on the outside, making it feel kind of awkward.

Another invite for this weekend, same way, only now we are told they are inviting a couple more neighbors, which is okay, I guess, except that one of these women has been very toxic and dismissive towards us. Don't know if I really want to spend my Friday night with her at a formal dinner. 

Anyway, like I said, we don't seem to have a lot of extra energy these days for drama, like to keep things simple and dinner dates small. It seems to me that it would be better etiquette to say something along the lines of, "Hey, we're inviting some neighbors over tonight, would you like to join us?" Instead of getting blindsided by being led to believe one thing and then finding ourselves in a situation we were not expecting. Would appreciate any thoughts on this.

[walking on broken glass]

I think this is down to different people's modus operandi. I always give details when I invite someone as to who else will be there, if we won't be on our own. But I have noticed that other people just extend an invitation without explaining further. Some people are quite social and like big group gatherings and they don't think that this might be a problem for other people who are not like that.

Since you don't feel particularly sociable, you can just skip the big dinners. If you want to get to know some of the neighbours, you can perhaps invite them for a quiet coffee or dinner. In this way you take the initiative and you plan the event as you want it!

[Adria]

I think you are right.  It's the  "Oh, by the way," thing that gets me after I accept. I can't imagine if I would have called back and said, "Hey, I'm inviting my aunt and my cousin to dinner as well. Hope you don't mind."

I did cancel this Friday's dinner politely by text because as it turns out dh's boss is in town and he asked us out Friday night as well (which is more important for dh's career). I explained about dh's boss being here, but received no acknowledgement back.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I agree it would be better etiquette to be clear up front about the parameters of the invitation. If this is all happening by text, I'm willing to bet that they simultaneously messaged several people in the hopes of getting a few "Yes" RSVPs. Being cagey about who is invited may help them save face if not many people come, but it also makes for a thrown together, sometimes less than congruous group. Regarding the lack of acknowledgement for your withdrawn RSVP, I agree that is less than polite, but it is easy to read a text and then forget to reply in a timely manner. If we want to be persnickety, Miss Manners would not approve of saying you had a more important offer, just leave it at you regret needing to cancel your plans.

I don't see any particular ill-will in any of this, but I too appreciate your unhappiness with this pattern! I'm more introverted and I like to know with whom I'm expected to mix before taking the plunge lol.

Perhaps if you receive similar invitations in the future, you could say something like, "Oh thank you for asking us! I'll get back to you very soon! Is this a just us thing or a larger party?" I don't think you can in justice ask for names of other guests, but a clarification of the kind of event I think is fair.

One of the things I really like about getting Evites is they usually will let you see the entire guest list, who said yes or no or not yet replied!   

[Adria]

Call Me Cordelia,

The invite was actually by phone saying they wanted the four of us to go out Friday night because they wanted to get to know us better.  Then when I called back to discuss a time, they said, "Oh, by the way, we invited a couple other people." 

The reason I said that dh's boss was in town is because I didn't want to hurt our possible new friend's feelings. dh just started back in the office after two years of being sick and working from home. I wanted to let them know we had a justified reason for cancelling because dh's boss is only in town occasionally and his boss requested the dinner meeting.  But I do like your " just leave it at you regret needing to cancel your plans."  It's much cleaner.

You are right. I don't see any ill will really.  It just catches us off guard, especially with this interesting woman who is always in the mix.

[TimetoHeal]

In all honestly, this would bother me a lot to.  It's the "after the fact" thing, and is a lot like the thread I just brought up about my friend always bringing her daughter along and not telling me until we've already made plans.  It sort of feels like your neighbors are trying to fit every body in at one time instead of making individual plans.  To be fair, some people prefer a crowd and some don't, but I think they should be up front about it. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Actually I thought about this and if you wanted to, you could counter the, "By the way..." with, "I'd really prefer to keep it one on one as we originally said. Let's get together another time."

They may be affronted, but oh well. I did something similar lately, and I'm glad I did! I'm learning that it's not my job to protect people from the possibly uncomfortable consequences of their inconsideration!

[Adria]

TimetoHeal,
I agree. I prefer them being up front as well.

[Adria]

Call Me Cordelia,

I like that. Would definitely work, and I will use that next time. I'm trying to learn not to make other people's inconsideration my problem anymore. Usually, I just go along to get along, but I'm getting tired of it and tired of feeling like I'm expected to entertain their manipulations.

[bloomie]

Adria - you already have such great feedback here, and I may be going a bit too deep, but from what you describe you were invited in such a way that seemed personal and specific to getting to know you and dh better and then turned out to not be what was described. That would be confusing at the very least for me and from where I sit, possibly strike me as careless on the woman's part. Maybe a little pink flag with this person?

[Adria]

Bloomie,

Yes, we were invited in a personal way saying they wanted to get to know us. We were looking forward to a nice relaxing evening with this couple hoping to make new friends. It has been a little confusing with them. Not the first time, always seems to be a twist we aren't told about. Dh and I were talking last night and agree with the little pink flag thing. 

[1footouttadefog]

I see this as potentially them being users. Note I said potentially.

Alot of folks think that the success of a dinner party or BBQ depends on the quantity of people that show up. They will often ask people they hardly know just to add numbers and figure that everyone will find others to hang with. Other times they do it to make themselves look better if some they invite are seen as being of a higher income or professional level of if they live in a nicer house etc etc. 

On the flip side, some people are just social bees and just like having people around then and don't consider others could be different.

I think a great way to test the waters for friendship would be to ask them over, expressing you missed the opportunity to get to know them. If it goes well you could say that this should have happened sooner but we are not much for large gatherings but would love to have dinner or coffee again soon.