Enabler Dad is Dying

[Maria Pia]

I went NC with my highly dysfunctional family several months ago. I had previously gone NC with them for several years until Covid hit, and then I broke NC because I was still very unhealed and couldn't be ok unless I knew if my family was ok. This was a clear mistake looking back on everything now.

After my latest decision to leave the family dysfunction, it only was a few weeks until I started receiving panicked messages about how they need to know I'm alive. Then after they received an email that I was alive but wished them to respect my privacy they started sending messages that they aren't convinced I'm actually okay. They had also, in the midst of this, sent messages of my father being in the hospital (which wasn't unusual since he has had health issues for several years). When my undiagnosed PD mom got the email reply from my husband which included well wishes for my dad, she responded angrily and accused me of not caring about my dad, but they never gave details so I was hoping for the best. A few days later, my sibling messaged me that my father had been ill in the hospital for a couple of weeks at that point (without details on what the illness was). I started to seriously worry, but I also am very aware of how manipulative my family system is. So, I waited, hoping to hear something possibly from extended relatives.

 I hadn't received an update about my dad since. I had started to accept that if things really were serious then my dad could have passed and since they have kept serious things from me to punish me, I started to grieve as if he was already gone. There was a few weeks where I couldn't stop breaking down.

Flash forward five months later, I just got news the other day that my dad is in fact dying and was told he is asking for me. I'm a wreck all over. I can't see him because I don't know how to and no one has given me info on where he is beside a vague description of him being in a nursing home. If I want more info I'll have to break NC. The thought of my dad dying and my family telling him that I don't care about him is killing me. I'm a spiritual person, so I've been praying, and while that's helping me have some peace, it hurts me so badly that I can't be there for him. I hate that this happened so soon after going NC. I just couldn't hold on any longer. Even reading their message sends me into an anxiety attack with somatic symptoms. My family had become criminally dangerous to my life on top of all the other ways they rallied together to abuse me.

How do I move through this? How can I properly grieve? It's been hard to grieve since it seems so complicated. Is it okay to keep NC despite the circumstances?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes. It is a valid choice to keep NC, Maria Pia. I've been through a similar thing when my grandmother passed away. I went to confession and the priest heartily encouraged me to forget the whole lot of them. He himself has since died and I miss him more than I ever missed my grandmother.

It's so rotten how your family is STILL being manipulative holding key information hostage. It's so obvious that none of this is at all about your relationship with your father on their side. Even if your father is sincere in his desire to see you, that would never be respected by the rest of the family. If even reading the message sends you into panic mode, there is absolutely a very good reason for that. You get to take care of yourself, especially since you've made so many difficult choices already to get to be able to do that at all.

I believe in the Last Judgement, and at that time everyone's story will be told and understood by absolutely everyone else who ever lived. Even if your father does leave this world being told lies about you, which frankly seems inevitable, that is not the final word. You can be loving and kind to your father from a distance. I too believe in prayer and that is true act of charity, even if it is not known to anyone but the Father. You will be in my prayers too!

[Maria Pia]

Thank you so much for your reply. It's reassuring to know that your priest validated your pain and instructed you to keep your distance. I will keep praying for my dad. And, I'll try to find meaning ways to grieve. I suspect it will take a considerable amount of time given how messy the situation has been. Thank you again for your encouragement. You've helped more than I can express.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry Maria Pia. I also agree that you should be kind and look after yourself. Your family has treated you really badly and continues to do so by using your dad's illness as a means of control and punishment over you. Don't let them get to you. Do whatever will help you keep your inner peace. You can care for your father from afar, by keeping him in your prayers. You absolutely do not have to break your no contact, especially if just thinking about it gives you intense physical symptoms. Do what is right for you, whatever form this may take. Sending you hugs. You can do this.

[Rebel13]

Hi Maria Pia, I agree with everyone here that you should take care of yourself and not let your family back into your life if you know you can't trust them to treat you well and respectfully.

What do you think about writing a letter to your father that you don't send? You can tell him everything and anything that you want to. Sometimes people burn these letters in an attempt to release the thoughts and feelings. You can try it if you think it might help you.

All the best, stay strong and give yourself all the kindness, care and compassion that you need in this hard time.

[countrygirl]

Hello Maria Pia,

I am sorry that you have to endure this trying time. Sometimes it feels easier just to do the socially accepted thing, but sometimes doing so doesn't help the other person, and can also harm you.  I agree with the good advice you've received here, and your own body is giving you good advice, too. 

I second Revel13's suggestion of writing an unsent letter.  I had never tried this, but when my mother died--and I could not attend the funeral, physically and emotionally simply unable to do so--my therapist suggested writing her a letter.  It was a moving and healing experience.

Wishing you peace.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hey Maria Pia, how are you doing?