Truth time?

[walking on broken glass]

No significant changes here. I am waiting for my mum's operation on the 14th. Meanwhile I call her once a week to check on her, we speak for five minutes on the phone and then hang up. She hasn't asked me whether I am planning to visit and I haven't mentioned anything either. My guess is she's avoiding the topic, as am I.

I was speaking with a good friend the other day and she suggested to me to talk to my aunt, my dad's sister, with whom we've been close. Going back always involved visiting her, sometimes staying with her, and hanging out with her a lot. I don't know what she's heard from my mum and sister, but our communication has been normal so far, and she must be expecting me and my partner to go visit. We haven't spoken recently but last time we did, a month ago, she asked when we were coming and I just evaded and said we have no concrete plans yet. My friend thinks, given the affection I have for her and she has for me, that I should talk to her about what happened with my mum, even if not in great detail, and explain that I am not going to visit this year. She said it's not about justifying yourself, it's about explaining to her your behaviour which must be puzzling, if she has no idea about what happened.

I understand all that and it does make sense. But I am so reluctant and scared to open up a conversation about the topic. I feel that my aunt is capable to listen and understand only to a certain extent, and that the conversation will be rather painful and unpleasant. I have been avoidant so far. But given that my mum's operation is approaching and there will be questions, should I get out there first and explain my perspective? Does listening to my fear make me behave like a scared child? Or is it reasonable to be apprehensive?
Should I just get over my fear and be the mature adult who takes charge of the narrative?

[TimetoHeal]

Hmmm, that is a tough one, WOBG.  It is hard to know sometimes if we are being scared and avoidant or if we are listening to our instincts and protecting ourselves.  I couldn't help but thinking that "Explaining" is part of JADEing, so there's that to consider. 

How do you think your aunt would respond if you told her that your mother lashed out at you the last time you visited without going into painful detail, and telling her you are in no way trying to "punish" your mother, but that you are trying to protect yourself?  Could she understand and support that?  Do you think she is hoping you'll visit in order to see HER (the aunt), and she misses you?  I'm not saying you should go if the answer is yes to either of these questions, I am just wondering what you think about her motivation and mindset.  I can see your friend's point of view, and it makes sense in a healthy family system that you would give explanation of why you are not making your normal visit this year.  I just don't know if your aunt is a completely safe person because I am picking up on some fear and hesitation on your part.  If I'm wrong about that, please disregard!  You certainly know her better than I do.  It may just be that she needs a concrete answer, "No I am not coming this year", rather than thinking that there is still a possibility you are coming. 

Just think and breathe and don't do anything in haste. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Time to heal!
Yes, you are spot on: I am worried because, while my aunt loves me, I don't think she has the capacity to fully grasp the problematic family dynamics. I believe she will be shocked when I tell her what my mum said to me but she will say that she's old and frail, and that perhaps she misspoke. She will also bring up my sister, who is very much part of the problem, but my aunt has never been able to see that. She can't believe that my sister can be malicious. Her view is that she may be a difficult person but she is my sister and she loves me.
I guess all this explains my reluctance to engage with her. But then I will definitely be in touch with her to get updates about my mum while she is in the hospital. Perhaps I should address the elephant in the room before?
I can't decide and I am getting stressed just thinking about it.

[TimetoHeal]

Remember, breathe!  . (Trust me, I've been telling myself that all day every day!)

I sort of thought that was the case with your aunt from what you've shared here and in other posts.  She is still in the FOG and can't see the family dynamics for what they are.  That doesn't mean she's a bad person or you can't have a relationship with her.  It just means you are wisely picking and choosing what you share with her.  Do you think telling her, whether she believes you or not, will help you feel any better?  If her most positive expected response is "Yes, but she's old and frail", will that make you feel worse and wish you'd never had the conversation?  It probably would feel invalidating for me, but you may be in a place with some distance and no plans to go there that you feel like you can handle it.  You know yourself.  What do you think would be the outcome of such a conversation FOR YOU?

P.S. Since she is in regular contact with both your mother and sister, you have to consider that anything you say to her has the possibility if not probability of getting back to one or both of them.  Not maliciousness on your aunt's part.  Just the way it works. 

[walking on broken glass]

Well just I was writing about this something else happened. I called my mum to check on her on the landline, as I usually do, and she didn't pick up. I called two more times in the space of one hour and still no answer. I started stressing and called my aunt. It turns out that my aunt had driven my mum to her holiday home (my aunt herself has a holiday home nearby) and my mum didn't bother to tell me that. So I called my mum on the holiday home's landline and as soon as she picked up she said 'how did you find me?'. I simply said I called my aunt and she told me you are here. I spoke to her for a few minutes and then hand up.
I could have complained to her about hiding the fact from me but I think this is exactly what she wanted me to do. She wanted to bait me and when I complained she would say 'well if you called more often you would know I had left' or 'if you called me on WhatsApp with camera, I would have responded'. So I didn't take the bait, just checked on her health as I always do and hung up. Maybe I am over reading but I got the sense that, after she realized I had to jump through hoops to find where she was, she was more talkative than usual and wanted to keep me on the phone longer.
I have no words about how twisted their minds are...

[Liketheducks]

Good job not taking that bait.   Ugh... she didn't need to use this opportunity to chastise you for not calling more often and the effort sounds like it most certainly fed her ego. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you like the ducks
I got really annoyed with a friend with whom I was chatting while looking for my mum. When I told her what happened she said 'did you call her out on her behaviour?' and I said 'no there's no point in playing her game' and the friend proceeded to tell me that by being complicit with her insanity, I am playing her game. I explained to her that this wasn't the case (what I wrote here) and said that in fact, in this kind of family dynamics conflict is highly discouraged and the only way to deal with it is by not engaging and she said 'well it's not the only way, but if it suits you that's what matters'. I honestly got more worked up after that because I thought why do I have to justify my stance and convince a friend, who has no expert knowledge about these matters, that I was right to do what I did? I didn't even ask for her input. I was so close to telling her I don't give a toss what you think and you don't know what you are talking about. I just told her that she is wrong and that conflict is not advised based on all the research I have done on the topic and the therapy I have had. She said 'if I were you, I would just give them a piece of my mind and then I would go no contact but I understand this is difficult'. Again, it annoys me when people profess such opinions without ever being in a similar position. Ugh. I am so disappointed because this friend usually gets it and has useful things to say. And I don't know how to communicate my annoyance with her without sounding offensive.

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you like the ducks
I got really annoyed with a friend with whom I was chatting while looking for my mum. When I told her what happened she said 'did you call her out on her behaviour?' and I said 'no there's no point in playing her game' and the friend proceeded to tell me that by being complicit with her insanity, I am playing her game. I explained to her that this wasn't the case (what I wrote here) and said that in fact, in this kind of family dynamics conflict is highly discouraged and the only way to deal with it is by not engaging and she said 'well it's not the only way, but if it suits you that's what matters'. I honestly got more worked up after that because I thought why do I have to justify my stance and convince a friend, who has no expert knowledge about these matters, that I was right to do what I did? I didn't even ask for her input. I was so close to telling her I don't give a toss what you think and you don't know what you are talking about. I just told her that she is wrong and that conflict is not advised based on all the research I have done on the topic and the therapy I have had. She said 'if I were you, I would just give them a piece of my mind and then I would go no contact but I understand this is difficult'. Again, it annoys me when people profess such opinions without ever being in a similar position. Ugh. I am so disappointed because this friend usually gets it and has useful things to say. And I don't know how to communicate my annoyance with her without sounding offensive.

Ugh, I just hate this for you WOBG.  I have had some really hurtful and confusing conversations with friends like that as well.  I have stopped talking with many of my friends about my mom because of it.  I have a co-worker and she has a mother who sounds a lot like mine, and she talks about how it works for her to call her mother out every time she does something offensive and she even calls her a narcissist to her face!  It gets me questioning myself sometimes if I should handle my mother that way.  But I know from experience the answer is a resounding NO.  Maybe my co-worker's mother isn't so much like my mother, maybe my co-worker has a thicker skin (or enjoys drama herself), and maybe it's not actually working out as great as she says.  I have no way of knowing.  I only know MY stuff.  I'm only responsible for MY stuff. And you, WOBG, are only responsible for YOUR stuff.  And you know your stuff better than anybody!  Don't let your friend confuse you.  And consider whether or not sharing with her in the future is a good idea. 

Also, good for you in not taking your mother's (very obvious) bait.   

[Liketheducks]

WOBG....opinions are like axxholes.  Everyone has them.  And, there are only relevant to their owners.   

Don't let those bastards get you down.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much guys! I had a bad night with very confusing dreams.

Time to heal, what your coworker does sounds insane! Maybe, as you said, she enjoys the drama. My friend is also a very confrontational person. But it annoys me that they cannot understand that we are not all the same people and that not all situations are the same.

Don't let those bastards get you down.

Aww my motto 🥰 Thank you, Like the ducks.

It's funny that yesterday talking to my aunt I realized she had no idea that I didn't know where my mum was. I said I was calling her and she didn't answer and my aunt assumed it was because she was calling my mum at the same time (the phone does not have the busy tone, just rings normally). By chatting with her, I realized she had driven my mum to the holiday home.

At least, that shows me that my mum has perhaps not shared stuff about me with my aunt. She was very normal on the phone.

[TimetoHeal]

WOBG....opinions are like axxholes.  Everyone has them.  And, there are only relevant to their owners. 

Don't let those bastards get you down.

Like the Ducks, you have some great mottos for several t-shirts we could have made for this group!

WOBG, you are being very wise listening to your instincts and prior knowledge and not trying to be just like your friend.  We are not all confrontational people at all!  I am certainly not either. 

Those dreams are tough.  I had one last night/this morning that my mother and I got into a heated argument about politics of all things (I put the kabosh on conversations about politics years ago).  The crazy thing is, I actually got through to her by asking, "How would you feel if I did that to you?".  I know in real life this would be about as productive as spitting on a forest fire.  But in my dream it worked.  I woke up feeling very sad. 

[walking on broken glass]

I am really sorry, Time to heal. I get dreams like that too. I am not sure what is worse, getting dreams which are an accurate reflection of reality or the wishful thinking type. They both leave me sad and drained in the morning. I hope your day looks up!

[Rebel13]

Wow, wobg, what a rough couple of days you have had. I'm really sorry. I don't have much to add to the great conversation here, just that what your mom did is infuriating, withholding information to try and wring some kind of proof of love out of you. And I also feel sad about your friend; it's so hard for so many of us to detach with love and be kind and supportive when a friend is having a hard time. I have been THAT friend and I'm still learning how to stop reacting out of my own beliefs and emotions and make a space for other people to share who they are. I wish we all learned those skills early in life somewhere somehow.

I hope things settle down a bit and you can have some calm and peace about all this, even if only for a little while.