Its been so Long.. HELP

[JoeNeedsHelp]

Sorry to be dramatic but my first post here (under another name I cannot locate) was 2010 and I am still clinging on.
I have to say I am as close as Ive ever been to gpoing No contact. I could really use some guidance and support.
Backstory, Unmarried couple where She and her Mom Are BPD/NPD. I am the focus of her abuse and she is the focus of her Moms. For years I guniually felt sorry for her. Made excuses for her based on what she had to deal with growing up and until this day. But after over 20 years I am broken. So Broken I fear dying alone and suffering.
Ive got a chance. I can leave and I think I have to go no contact.
I am willing to start over with nothing, leave everything to her, the home in particular. We have no children.
I am so close but could really use some advice and support from those who have been there.

I know I cannot have a confrentaion with her, I believe I have to just go.. but expect that to trigger her and I am afraid of the consequence. Please help if you can.

[square]

Hey there Joe,

Sorry to hear you're under such stress. But maybe you're feeling a bit of hope now that you're looking at a chance to leave. It can be really scary. It's a big unknown. But at some point the unknown is a lot safer than the known.

I agree with your thoughts that having a confrontation will not be useful. She will certainly see it as some sort of flaw on your part, but what she really means is that you've slipped out of her control. And that's good. She won't be able to use her tactics against you and you'll just be gone. You don't owe her further chances to get you back under her control.

I don't know what to suggest about leaving everything behind. On one hand, yeah, leaving is the priority. On the other hand, if you're making rash decisions to forfeit assets that belong to both of you (or maybe even just you?), maybe just hold off on committing either way to doing that. For example, if you own a house together, you can move out and let the dust settle and figure things out later with a lawyer as the sole point of contact. If you share a joint bank account, not withdrawing your fair portion will not placate her, so take your fair portion. If it's just a pile of furniture that you don't care about but did purchase over the years, yeah, probably not worth pursuing.

Do you have a particular date or set of circumstances that will trigger your exit? Do you have a plan, including a place to go?

[JoeNeedsHelp]

No joint accounts, finances have been indepdent. But thats the challenge as i've learned. NPD and the sense of entitlement they have. I suspect she will want everything and leave me with nothing.

Ive not yet secured a landing spot. I have to get far away I am sure its the only way to avoid contact. However I have resources and can afford flexibility. Meaing can stow away at a short term until the dust settles.
My only schedule is Before the holidays, I cannot go through another year of that...

[JoeNeedsHelp]

OK Joe again. I need some sage words of support. My plans are moving forward. I rented storage gathered all my important documents and selected a oppertunity (date).
I am having doubts, although I know this is untimatly the right thing for all of us, I am really struggling.
I know in my heart things will never get better, I know in my heart its the right thing for me. But I am getting cold feet, experiance self doubt.

Advice appreciated.

[square]

Joe, leaving was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done.

I had things in motion, but it came down to the day the lease to a new apartment was swnt to me to be signed. If I signed it, that committed me to a chain of events, and so many unknowns.

If I didn't sign it?

More days, weeks, months, years of being trapped. Of hiding in my room. Of living like a robot so being yelled at wasn't so upsetting. Of having to engage in thought distortions so I could ignore the unsanitary conditions. Of throwing the remaining years of my life away to utter hopelessness.

I sat there and realized that as terrified as I was of leaving, I was even more terrified of staying.

[square]

I don't think I've read of anyone here who regretted their decision to leave. We all have different stories, some had more difficult processes than others, some have had to go to lengths to protect themselves and/or cut all contact, others are maintaining relationships on some level or another.

But everyone I've read has expressed relief about making the big scary move to protect themselves.

Good luck, Joe, you've got this 💪

[IsleOfSong]

Joe, it sounds like you are getting your ducks in a row. The documents and storage unit should help demystify this process a bit, at least in terms of the logistics. Keep posting. I hear you about wanting to be out by the holidays!

Your reference to cold feet reminded me of something. A few years back, I encountered this poem at a religious service, and it's stuck with me. You might find it useful as well — I'm definitely not intending to push religious stuff on anyone here, so feel free to ignore the reference to God :-)

Cold Feet

They say cold feet are a sign of turning back,
The failure of internal will –
But I say it can be the other way,
The body's anticipation of things to come.
Whether demons are nipping at your heels
Or gnawing within, here's the thing:
Settle quietly, close your eyes,
Then take the most deliberate, deep breath,
As though it were the very first (God's breath) –
And when you can feel it penetrate every bit of your being,
Making the rest of your life possible,
You open your eyes
And take that first step out into the sea of reeds.
Watered feet are just the price of coming home.

[JoeNeedsHelp]

Thank you Square and Isle, for the support...  keeping focused on the goal, God willing I can stay the course.
I've been writing some things down to help me stay on track.
The insight above was super helpful , thank you... Keep it coming community

[JoeNeedsHelp]

Getting closer to the exit , One day at a time... The excitement for a new beginning is starting to be louder in my thoughts then the fear.. is that normal ?

[MaxedOut]

Welcome Joe. I exited a relationship a bit shy of the length of yours late last year. I didn't go no contact at first but did not see my ex at any point from about the day prior to the split (and have not had contact in many months).

The abstract or leaving, that decision, is often long in coming. The concrete of actually doing so, on a timeline, in a certain way is a very different type of decision, with different fears, different texture. Know that it is totally normal to need a beat for *knowing* and *doing* to come into alignment. And it sounds like that is happening with your preparation, and the building excitement.

Sometimes "cold feet" is largely fear about being able to actually carry things out, fear of the PDs reactions, fear they may be right about some things, fear for safety.

What can help is realizing all that stuff, and that scary likely unpleasant process and period of time, has to happened to get out, to reach the reality of a decision already made. Planning and preparing is good, and helps reduce some potential stuff, but a lot of it is "the only way out is through."

Reframing as something like "I knew this was what I needed to do a year ago and if I had done it then, I'd be past the separation and divorce, and making my new life. It's understandable that I am still here, there's a lot of forces in play, but what do I want to think and where do I want to be a few months from now."

We have generally been pushing our self interest down, and behaving in ways to mitigate their reactions for years—the pattern is well practiced. So doing the opposite is really hard.

But realizing "I have to do that really hard thing one way or the other and it doesn't really make sense to choose the option where I have that AND and a heaping portion of more of what is making the relationship unworkable and harming me."

[square]

The excitement being louder than the fear is your fuel for getting this done. You got this 💪

[MaxedOut]

[xredshoesx]

you've got this.  it's a lot easier to untagle the relationship ties when there are no shared financials/ kids.  that's what helped me in the end with my uPD ex- his unwillingness to be on a lease with me made it so I could evict him with a 30 day notice.  when he still chose to not leave, when his time was up I was legit cutting things in half and putting it in boxes for him, we had a peace officer present (if I remember right) when he decided to get his stuff and when he didn't remove the heavy ass entertainment center after another 30 days I paid a coworker and the apt maintenance dude to help me take it apart and trash it.  hands wiped, DONE.