Not easy

[Fourdogs]

Took me so many years to get to this point after being directed to search for answers on Dr. Ramani's youtubes.
After finding out about covert narcissim. Her statements of "i am unique", "i am special", "not me" (referring to our talk about everyone is responsible for their words and actions), and her multiple attempts at trying to tell me what happened really didn't happen. That was probably me at my strongest. Refusing to buy into her alternate reality. Me at my weakest was not walking away when she flirted with men in front of me, going out and not saying with who or where.
For the last three months it was apparent she wanted the marriage over but it had to be my fault or to completely comply with what she wanted AND then the divorce would be my fault.
Three months of her ramping up the verbal abuse, contempt, going out and me not knowing where, constantly critical of everything I did, always her "attempting" to make me feel what I was doing was wrong or stupid, attempted rewriting of history (no sale here), telling me I should go out and sleep with the dogs and then finally asking for the keys to the house and kicking me out of the house (house in her name only) so late that I was taking my 4 dogs and a suitcase out on the road in front of the house (the vehicle was in her name too and she would not let me use it) as I was walking out the gate with 4 dogs on leash she said I could sleep outside on the narrow bench which I did and when morning came she asked why I didn't come in the house to sleep. She still maintains that me sleeping outside was my choice and she never kicked me out.
Fully believe this was a reverse discard where she wanted a divorce but wanted the blame on me.
The two weeks living alone has been amazing and have enjoyed the quiet. Today she wanted to talk about what was going to happen to us. Tried to put it on me to answer. Told her that she needs to find a solution. She said we both need freedom. It is in my best interest to divorce and it will happen as soon as possible but I do realize for the last two weeks living alone she was still there as my "security blanket". Must admit now the she is no longer part of my life that it hurts. The two weeks of quiet, no thinking, no chaos and calm feeling is gone after the call. Feels like my body is reacting a bit. I know in time that quiet feeling will return.
Saw the red flags from day one, let her walk over my boundaries, and not the bill is due on my heart and mind. Not easy walking away from someone your heart loves but your mind and body says run and you should have run long ago. In a way this 4 plus year knowing who she is has made it a bit easier on me as I found myself slowly realizing I had to protect myself. THanks for listening.

[Rebel13]

Fourdogs, I'm glad you are in a safe place and have some peace. You can set whatever boundaries you need to keep yourself safe and healthy. Contact can throw you back into the swirl but it will pass and hopefully each time go away a little faster. I'm sorry for what you've gone through but glad you are taking care of you.

[Fourdogs]

Thanks Rebel, nearing the end of this wild ride and looking forward to a happy ever after.

[Deby64]

Fourdogs I'm glad you are here and in a safe place. I can so relate to having contact and it causing me to backtrack. My estranged upd-h is like a horrible drug to me and the relapses are lessons for me to learn from. I'm grateful to be apart from him. I just have to stay aware of the manipulative tendencies and take care of myself. This too shall pass. Glad you're here.