Hello everyone

[peacepath_13]

Hello everyone,

I discovered this forum today and I'm excited to learn something that can help me in my life.

About my situation: I'm 24 years old, and from what I've read, my mother seems to be narcissistic. Since I was young, she has been very controlling, to the point where I couldn't do basic things like taking a shower by myself, getting dressed on my own, having a mobile phone, or my own job... and of course going out alone, having friends, or anything else. In recent years, I've been trying to change my situation, but very slowly, and even so, my mother has become someone who seems to do everything to keep me here, without any ethical or moral limits.

Everything is justified as a family mission; I have to work for her without receiving a salary because "everything belongs to everyone." Although this year she has started to let me do a bit more, like getting dressed and taking showers, I feel stuck and can't take the next step, like talking to my father about wanting a job. Even if I do, I don't know what to do afterward. I'm afraid of my mother's reaction and what if she follows me everywhere?

It's exhausting to spend years listening to this narrative and living this way. Even though I know it's not normal, I still feel like I don't have the confidence to move forward.

I usually watch videos from HealthyGamer GG, which help, but I feel like I'm not making progress. It's not easy to break something that has been built over the years, especially when I've never experienced things like freedom, privacy, or autonomy...

I apologize if this is confusing.

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you.

[bloomie]

peacepath_13 - welcome to Out of the FOG!

Thank you for sharing the circumstances and challenges you are facing in developing the skills and toolset you need to break free and build a life for yourself. You did a great job of giving us a snap shot of extremely controlling behaviors you are living with in your relationship with your mom.

To validate you, the degree you describe your mother's controlling behavior over an adult (you) is shocking! And I am heartbroken for you when I think of the constraints you are living under. These are extreme behaviors. You are very courageous to begin to reach for your freedom under this kind of oppressive system.

I think the really good news you shared is that you are still young and yet, you are already awakening to the need to break free AND have the courage to reach out for support! That is huge step!

Without knowing what your resources are (and I'm not asking you to share that) and how limited you are in terms of if you drive, have any money of your own, etc., the best thoughts I have is to use your access online to begin to build support and to empower yourself.

The toolbox and personality disorder drop down menus above are a great place to read and soak up the do/don't sections that are included in the explanation of each trait listed.

If you have anyone in your community - church, friends, extended family, siblings, that can offer practical help in real life to learn how to apply for jobs, etc., and who could possible be an in person advocate for you as you talk with your father and attempt to gain his support - it might be another step forward.

There may not be any easy and quick answers and fixes to this, but there is great hope in the future you are determining for yourself. Early in my own journey in recovering from a dysfunctional, disordered family system someone very wise told me often, be gentle with yourself as you go forward. I offer that same advice to you!

Keep coming back as your are able and keep sharing. This community will support you as you spend time here. Again, welcome!

[bloomie]

peacepath_13 - I am popping back in to add a resource that has been very helpful to me in understanding Narcissitic Family detachment and the path to differentiating yourself from your family of origin (FOO).

Jerry Wise offers good insights in the family enmeshment that I hope will be of additional help to you on your journey. Free vids are found here:

https://www.youtube.com/@jerrywise

[peacepath_13]

Good morning,

Thank you very much for your response and all the advice you've given me. I've been looking for a forum like this for quite some time, but I couldn't find one, especially since I'm from Portugal and was searching more in Portuguese.

I do drive, but I don't have a car, and the money I have is limited. I don't know how to explain it, but I think my biggest issue isn't just that; it's how to deal with it within my family. It's very difficult to make such a big change when I've never done anything on my own, and despite the achievements I've made, everything feels insignificant, making it hard for me to maintain consistency day by day.

You say I'm young, and yes, I really am, but I've been determined to change my life for five years now, and only in the last year has anything changed. I imagine that at this pace, it will take a long time... I know I shouldn't think this way, but sometimes it's hard to be rational when my emotional side is a bit shaken.

My time for privacy on the internet is quite limited, so I feel some pressure in deciding what I should do next. I already have my CV ready, but I don't know what to do next; everything is confusing. I'm not alone, but even though I've been trying to ride my bike in the village where I live lately, it still feels like too little compared to what I need.

I would like to know more about the forum; it seems very extensive. Can you tell me what kind of help I can find here? Or if there are any support groups? This, of course, in addition to the advice you've already given me. I've started watching JerryWise's videos, and they really help me understand.

I apologize for any inconvenience.

My sincere gratitude for everything.