Relationship with my kids

[verum71]

I have 3 adult children with my BPDx.  My relationship with my younger 2 has been strained for some time.  My oldest son and I have been close over the years, and I have had some heavy conversations with him over the last year about some of the struggles trying to co-parent with his mom.  My wife and I just spent a week with my oldest son, his wife, and my granddaughter at a cabin on the lake.  We had a great start to the week for the first 5 days - lots of fun and family time.  Then all of a sudden something happened and my daughter-in-law was very upset about something.  At some point all 3 of them left the cabin without saying a word and went into town.  When my son came back, he said he wanted to talk.  He said many things - the ones that stood out were that his sister had called because she had some big falling out with his mom after she had told my BPDx that she did not want to go to school in the fall.  He also said that our tradition of going to the lake didn't feel like a family trip any more (I had invited his siblings - they are not talking to me).  He was having an anxiety attack and was having a tough time pulling himself out of it.  While my wife and I were in town, my son and his family packed up their stuff and left to go home.  He sent me a text that he was sorry about leaving, they had a good time,  and asked if we could talk when we got back from the cabin.  I have texted him over the last several days and he has not responded. 
The reason for my post:
Has anyone just fantasized about this idea that all I want is to have a semi-normal relationship with my kids?  Why am I being treated like this?  Why does it feel like I'm the parent that is getting thrown table scraps and is typically just considered an after thought.  I'm venting here, but you know, I'm kind of pissed at my son.  The last day at the lake my wife and I were walking on eggshells and had no idea what happened, what we could have said or done to change things, and spent the last day of our vacation trying to figure out what was going on.  It was so weird - things just seemed to turn on a dime.  I'm just fucking exhausted.

[escapingman]

Has your son had therapy? I can relate to his behaviour when I get overwhelmed and I don't know what to do, I shut down and ignore anyone around me. For me this is not to punish but to keep myself safe.

We all want "normal" relationship with both our children and parents, but what is "normal"? I don't really know to be honest but I do have a great relation with my DD - although we are completely on our own and have been thrown aside by both my FOO and DD's mums FOO. We spent a weekend recently with DD2 and that was painful, as much as I love her and loved seeing her she is having so many fleas I don't know where to start.

Try to not push your son, when my dad has done so I just build a higher and higher wall and in the end we really fall out just for something minor as he can't give me the space I need.

Good luck verum and I really hope your son comes round soon.

[verum71]

Thanks for the reply!  I've had some time to reflect on the events of last weekend.  My son did reach out to me yesterday and said he has been having a hard time as of late.  We are going to meet for coffee on Friday.  I have been a mess these last 4 or 5 days as well.  My brain is so hard-wired to go to worst case scenario and I'm full of fear.  I've been dealing with this shit for 20 years and I still at times struggle to shake off a trauma response to these situations.  I did talk with my son about counseling at the end of our trip last week too.  Several months ago I decided to get back into seeing my therapist and this has helped. 

[Izak80]

Verum,

Happy to hear you have a good relationship with your oldest son. Sounds like he has some "fleas" from your xBPD to work out in therapy. So sorry you are going through this. Heartbreaking, but oftentimes it's also the pivotal moment for healing in your relationship.