Undiagnosed PD Mother shame and blame feel like I'm a bad daughter

sweet1987 · April 09, 2026, 08:56:43 AM

I'm just looking for some support / perspective because I'm really struggling and starting to question myself.

I've been working on boundaries in therapy after a lifetime of quite codependent dynamics with my mum. I left home around 30, and since creating some space I've realised how much her behaviour affects me. I'm actually down as one of her carers, I help organise things like cleaners, and I do try to support her but I also have my own health issues and limitations.

She has an upcoming hospital procedure (laser treatment for abnormal cervical cells) which requires anaesthesia, so she can't go alone and needs someone after. In my mind, I already knew I would likely support her with this. When she told me the date, I said that specific day might be tricky and asked if there were any other options so we could figure out what works.

Before even checking, she said she wouldn't change the date and would go by herself. As soon as I mentioned that the date happens to be my partner's birthday, she latched onto that and it became about me "choosing a birthday over my mum," even though that wasn't what I was saying at all.

It then escalated into back to back messages like "Now I know that you really hate me...", "Enjoy your girlfriend's birthday...", "I told other family members what you said", and "I'm sure she wouldn't choose you over her mother."

Now I feel awful, anxious, physically sick, and like a scared child inside. I also feel a lot of shame and pressure, like I'm being painted as a bad daughter when I'm actually trying to support her and find a solution.

Am I a bad person here? Am I really that wrong? Because I feel like I'm being made to believe I've done something terrible, but in my mind I was just trying to communicate honestly and figure out a workable plan.

I also get really triggered going to her house (CPTSD-type reactions), so this all feels even heavier to manage.

I'm trying to hold boundaries and not lose myself, but it's so hard when the guilt and pressure comes like this. Has anyone dealt with something similar, and how do you cope without it affecting you so deeply?
Now I'm crying and don't even know what right anymore I hate the power she has over me. I'm going to be 40 soon and my inner child is still so scared. It's frustrating that she constantly fluctuates between this super nice caring person then the second I don't do what she wants she starts 5he guilty tripping, gas light ing, shaming me to family members etc it's very manipulative. And the things is if she had just checked and said that next date is to far away I would have of course just figured something out. But instead endless messages about how bad I am

Liketheducks · April 09, 2026, 01:56:07 PM

Goodness! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. You asked a simple question, to see if other options were available....and you didn't just jump when she said to. That's definitely progress. You don't sound like a bad daughter, but she sure did rush to tell everyone that you were. That's a bad mother. She sounds just like what my mom did, until I no longer feared what she or the family she maligned me to...thought about me.

Can you get some counseling help? There is a world wide, free program...ACA Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Sitting in a room with people who had the same story was SO validating. I found that before I found a great therapist. Sounds like she's pulling out the NPD playbook to try to get you back in her control. That isn't healthy and certainly no way for a parent to treat an adult child.

Rebel13 · April 09, 2026, 04:05:21 PM

Hi sweet1987, I'm so sorry your mom is behaving this way. Honestly this sounds like she's reading straight from the classic PD playbook. My mom always ramped up her stuff around health care as well.

It sounds to me like you are at the beginning of a long journey of setting boundaries and reclaiming your life for yourself. I agree with Liketheducks' suggestion to see if you can find some IRL help and support. In the last couple of years I've been working with a trauma-informed therapist and it has helped so much!

Some self-help things that have worked for me are Pete Walker's work -- you saying you feel "awful, physically sick, and like a scared child" sure sounds like an emotional flashback! Which would make perfect sense. Reading Pete's articles was the first time I felt like I understood what was going on with me.

I also like the Therapy in a Nutshell channel on Youtube -- her 30-day anxiety reduction playlist was super helpful. There are also lots of other Youtubers talking about narcissistic abuse and trauma, like Dr Ramani, Jerry Wise, Jay Reid, Patrick Teahan. Maybe one of them will really connect for you.

Lindsay Gibson's books on emotionally immature parents are also great.

My therapist teaches mindfulness and there are lots of resources and apps you can find about that. It's a helpful tool when stressing out in the FOG.

DBT skills, especially distress tolerance, helped me too.

Don't worry, a lot of us here are proud members of the Bad Daughters Club! You're not alone!

sweet1987 · April 10, 2026, 12:51:08 AM

Quote from: Liketheducks on April 09, 2026, 01:56:07 PMGoodness! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. You asked a simple question, to see if other options were available....and you didn't just jump when she said to. That's definitely progress. You don't sound like a bad daughter, but she sure did rush to tell everyone that you were. That's a bad mother. She sounds just like what my mom did, until I no longer feared what she or the family she maligned me to...thought about me.

Can you get some counseling help? There is a world wide, free program...ACA Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Sitting in a room with people who had the same story was SO validating. I found that before I found a great therapist. Sounds like she's pulling out the NPD playbook to try to get you back in her control. That isn't healthy and certainly no way for a parent to treat an adult child.

[/
Quote from: Liketheducks on April 09, 2026, 01:56:07 PMGoodness! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. You asked a simple question, to see if other options were available....and you didn't just jump when she said to. That's definitely progress. You don't sound like a bad daughter, but she sure did rush to tell everyone that you were. That's a bad mother. She sounds just like what my mom did, until I no longer feared what she or the family she maligned me to...thought about me.

Can you get some counseling help? There is a world wide, free program...ACA Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Sitting in a room with people who had the same story was SO validating. I found that before I found a great therapist. Sounds like she's pulling out the NPD playbook to try to get you back in her control. That isn't healthy and certainly no way for a parent to treat an adult child.

quote]

Thank you, I really appreciate this. It helps hearing an outside perspective because I've been going back and forth in my head about it.
I really was just asking a simple question, not refusing to support her, but it escalated quickly.
I've actually been in CODA for about 8 years and go to ACA at times too I agree, it's really validating. Still working on not fearing what they think so hard to do at times
Thanks again, it genuinely helped me feel more grounded.

sweet1987 · April 10, 2026, 12:55:25 AM

Thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it. It helps hearing from people who understand because I've been second guessing myself a lot.
What you said about it sounding like an emotional flashback actually really resonates that's exactly how it felt.
I've been doing so much work since leaving the house 10 years ago but it can feel never ending. I find the closer I get the harder it is to maintain those boundaries and have my voice without so much guilt.
Also thank you for all the links and recommendations, I'm definitely going to check them out.
Really appreciate you taking the time to reply

sweet1987 · April 10, 2026, 01:07:36 AM

It's the next morning now and she is still going at it, I sent a message saying I'm not engaging with these type of messages and will get back to her about the date. She is now apparently going to get help from one of my old friends whom she still speaks to (which is fine) but ow she's comparing saying that person looks after both parents and she is pulling her away to attend the hospital because her own daughter doesn't want to look after he mother. Talking about if she went into a coma.. Etc.. Yeah just going to try and being really gentle with myself today and not get pulled in. I already feel the second guessing returning but I know this is her stuff not mine. Goodness. Thank you all again

Liketheducks · April 10, 2026, 07:34:27 AM

Sweet1987.....one thing just occurred to me. I know, for me, that my nervous system reacts on autopilot. If mom calls, my body reacts.

But, my body's reaction isn't usually reality. It is programmed to keep me safe. I have to take a moment, ground myself (as it sounds like you're doing), and then decide what to do.

It helps me to reframe that initial anxiety and sick to my stomach feeling with gratitude. My nervous system is doing what it is designed to do (albeit on a superhuman level because I was brought up with a significant amount of trauma). My nervous system is trying to keep me safe. To me, my body reacts before my brain has a chance to read the room and talk it back down.

Maybe let yourself feel anxious, ask yourself if you're REALLY being a bad daughter or just not doing what your mom wants in the moment? Likely, she's scared and doesn't know how to process that....and is trying to offload her own feelings of safety onto you or someone else. (Not excusing that, it is super emotionally immature). Sounds like a drowning person pulling the lifeguard down with them.

moglow · April 10, 2026, 09:16:00 AM

@sweet1987, to put it very bluntly, she does this because she can. She gets some sort of charge or sense of satisfaction out of cranking you up and dragging you down. If she didn't, she wouldn't do it.

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do is shutting that stuff off with my mother, not allowing her into my softer side or honestly my personal life in general. After a whole lot of practice, now I'm mostly successful. Something will slip through here and there, usually when I'm feeling less than or off kilter myself, but for the most part I'm better at not allowing it. She doesn't like it? Okay. She wouldn't like something no matter what I do, but I'm protecting myself first. Information is ammunition for the future, and she can figure out her meanness without my help.

I Understand she/our mothers are dealing with their own stuff, and possibly even doing the best they can. If *this* is her best, no thank you. She needs help I can't provide. You don't get to snarl and abuse me, and demand things of me as if I'm nothing, not anymore. She can send all the nasties she wants - that still doesn't change who you are. You're also an adult, a fellow human being with needs of your own. You need this bullshite, from your mother?? No ma'am. You do not.

I know how hard it is to shut off, but can you step away even if for a while? Don't respond. Don't JADE [justify, argue, defend, explain] your decisions, ANY of your decisions. Answer what you can where you can and work at depersonalizing her hateful rants. Try to not take on her negative labels as who you are, and remember that's not the case at all.

If you want and are able, tell her, This is what I can do. Short sweet and simple. It's not enough? Okay. She can figure that out then. She rants to other people? Okay, they can figure it out too. Be who YOU are, not who she is.

sweet1987 · April 11, 2026, 03:21:56 AM

Thank you,yeah I definitely get what you mean. I'm trying to stay grounded and not get pulled into explaining myself. It's hard but I can see what you mean about protecting my energy.
Thank you for sharing your experience and your reply

moglow · April 11, 2026, 12:05:31 PM

I know it's awful, and so hard to undo when it's all we've known. Keep telling yourself, whatever she tells other people doesn't and will never change who you are. Only you can do that. If they choose to believe her, that's on them - and maybe you need that information.

LavenderLime · April 15, 2026, 01:01:08 PM

Hey there! I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Those thoughts and feelings you described are things I'm dealing with currently, too. I had to do some reality testing with my husband this week to talk myself down from some of it and ground myself -much like Liketheducks wrote about above.
None of my friends can really relate to the difficult & distant relationship I have with Mother. I'm always relieved to see how others have handled situations here.
Take care