Waking up after 10 years I think I’ve been living in an illusion.

[Justify Leveaux]

Hello. This is my first time posting. I'm a 57-year-old man, and I'm starting to believe that for the past 10 years, I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship—but I couldn't fully see it until now.

My wife has always had intense emotional swings, but when she quit drinking for a time, things settled into a manageable rhythm. Not happy, but tolerable. Then everything slowly began to unravel.

Over the years:
    •    She lost her job and refused to find another one.
    •    I drained $15k of my savings trying to keep us afloat while she did nothing.
    •    She complained any time I brought up our financial situation or asked her to contribute.
    •    She started drinking again once she got a new high-paying job.
    •    She's now drinking and taking prescription stimulants (Vivance), and smoking weed—all in the same day.
    •    She publicly shames me, belittles me in front of neighbors, and then demands affection moments later.
    •    She regularly distorts reality and criticizes me over absurd things (like using earbuds alone in a room).
    •    Worst of all, she gaslights me into thinking I'm the problem, I'm the unstable one, and I can't be trusted.

I realize now that I have been walking on eggshells for years, doubting my own perception of reality, and constantly trying to adapt to her emotional storms to "keep the peace."

To make matters worse:
    •    I'm in debt now trying to support us during her long period of unemployment.
    •    I'm on the deed to the house and tied into a truck with a $600 monthly payment that we're upside-down on.
    •    My background as a former monk and academic makes finding decent-paying work extremely hard.
    •    We have two dogs who are bonded. Leaving would mean splitting them or giving one up—an unbearable thought.

I've told myself that staying in this marriage is the price I pay to have time and space to learn trading, my long-term escape plan. But I'm beginning to see that this isn't a temporary difficulty. This is abuse.

Sometimes I feel such intense anger I scare myself. I've never been violent in my life, and I don't believe I ever would be—but the rage builds inside me when she lashes out and blames me for things I didn't do. Then she acts sweet the next day, and the cycle starts again.

I think I'm finally seeing her clearly: gaslighting, emotionally unstable, manipulative, reckless, and possibly incapable of change. I've invested everything—emotionally, financially, spiritually. And now I feel completely depleted.

I'm not ready to leave yet. I don't have the resources. But I needed to say this out loud. To see it written. To break the silence.

Thank you for being a place where I can speak this truth safely.

—
Thank you for listening. I would welcome any feedback, support, or resources that have helped others navigate similar situations. I don't want to lose my mind over this woman. But I also don't know how to live around her anymore.

[bloomie]

Justify Leveaux - welcome to the community!

Thank you for taking the time to give us some context to what brings you here. I am thankful you have found us and have broken the silence. My heart goes out to you as you face some truly difficult, impossible to ignore realities about your wife's behaviors and choices and how they have/are impacting your mental health and wellbeing.

I have found that spending time here in a community of people who have similar experiences and have developed keen insights to be a huge help and support. I hope you find that to be true for you as well.

We have great resources - book recommendations, other online resource recommendations, the toolbox and the personality disorder information at the drop down menus above are a go to for me and many others. Always a great jumping in place.

Developing a tool set for handling challenging behaviors in the moment and resetting your ability to believe in your own gut and stay with yourself when being falsely accused or experiencing that old push/pull cycle that leaves us upside down and confused is a goal worth considering.

A few resources that have been empowering for me lately:

Jefferson Fisher is a communications expert and I find his simple, kind yet firm approach to be in line with how I want to show up in the world: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/podcast

I also find the work of Dr. George Simon around character disturbance to be illuminating. He has a huge library of free articles and a Youtube presence that has cleared away cobwebs I have had in my attempts to understand the core issues I may be encountering in a loved one with difficult, disordered behaviors.
https://www.drgeorgesimon.com

The real gold to be unearthed here at Out of the FOG is the conversations taking place on the forum boards. As you settle in  my great hope for you is that you will find great support and encouragement as you join the conversations when you are ready!

[NemesisThrive]

"The most powerful people are peaceful people" - I love this, so true

Bloomie - excellent signposting, thank you

Justify - I have no advice yet because I'm so new to all of this, and recently waking up to the reality of this behaviour, but what comes across in your post is the confusion and second guessing of yourself. I can totally relate to this and feel quite angry on your behalf. The behaviour you describe is awful and nobody deserves it, even if the perpetrator is suffering themselves. I send you a big hug.

[FoggyFrog]

So much of this resonates.
I started emerging from the fog a couple of months ago, several months after I ended a four year relationship - largely convinced that I was the problem and the one that needed help.
I don't really have any advice, as I'm still very much in the trenches myself, dealing with the fallout - which just seems to keep on coming.
All I can say is this: once you rediscover your truth, hold on to it tightly. Don't let them gaslight you into doubting yourself again.
You've got this.
We will survive - and we will rebuild.
Virtual hugs, my friend.

[WhoAmI?]

Hi there, Justify. I wish I knew how to help you, but I think you and I are relatively in the same boat - understanding that we have a long journey ahead that we're trying to start. I'll try to help bail some water out so you don't sink.

The most courageous think I've ever done was to make the decision to end a 23 year relationship moth my narcissistic ex-wife. That was a little over four years ago and I'm just coming Out of the FOG.

I just want you to know that I hear you, loud and clear. I can relate to almost everything you shared, including my ex losing her job and not getting another for over 3 years prior to our separation. I understand how insidious and soul- breaking it is to try to exist in a toxic, emotionally, mentally, and psychologically abusive relationship. I imagine you've been in survival mode for years and perhaps, like me, have lost your identity.

The fact that you're here shows your strength, courage, and determination to get out and begin healing. I promise you, there will come a time that you will be able to stand up for yourself and leave - no matter the cost.

What I can give you now is some truth that perhaps you haven't heard. The behavior you've endured is not your fault. You are worthy of unconditional love - and you deserve it. Please know that the abuse you've suffered is not a reflection of who you are - but who they are. I know this can be hard to hear and accept - but try to start to not to take her abuse personally. What I mean by that is, your wife will behave the same way no matter who she is in a relationship with. Again, this is not about who you are, but who she is.

She's not going to change. She will continue to lie, gaslight, manipulate, take advantage of you, and abuse you - all while continuing to erode your mental and physical health and sense of self. For your sake, I beg you to try to stop buying into the delusion that things will change. I had to tell myself this over and over until I finally believed it. The longer you hold onto this illusion will do nothing but force you to bend until you break. Stop listening to her words and watch her actions. How often are they in alignment, if ever?

Again, I wish I knew the right words to say to alleviate even a modicum of your pain. Just know that you're not alone in this. Know that you are heard, seen, and understood. You will make it through this and you will come out stronger. In the meantime, I'll be sending lots of positive energy your way.