I can't find the courage to make decisions in life

[peacepath_13]

Hello everyone.

You have already given me very good advice, for which I am grateful.

I'm sorry if I'm not taking part in supporting other members in other posts, but all of this is too much for me at the moment and I have very little free time on the computer.

I first read here (in a comment by MaryPopins) that the feeling of "something is wrong, I shouldn't be doing this" comes from c‑PTSD.

I'm starting to read the book "C‑PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," as recommended.

My question is whether you can also suggest other resources that are useful for the healing process and for overcoming fears.

It may sound ridiculous, but despite the good suggestions you've given me, like getting a job and moving out, I get blocked and can't get to that stage, because I don't have the courage to talk to my parents and follow that path. To give you an idea, my mother has never let me shave my beard. Now I want to do it, but I'm afraid of how I'll look and I can't do it. I've already cut it down to the minimum length, but even so I freeze up. This is just one example, and I think: if I can't even do this, I also won't be able to get a phone or what's needed to have a job...

Could someone give me some advice?

I know it sounds strange, but my life has so many things like this that block me that it makes me think it's really foolish that I just can't leave and that's it.

Thankyou all for all your support.

Best wishes for your healing process.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi peacepath,

I am sorry that you are struggling. My advice would be to absolutely not tell your parents about looking for a job. Keep everything secret and once you have secured the job, you can simply announce it as a fact. But not before, never before. Think of yourself as a secret agent or a spy who must absolutely retain their secrecy. Lie, evade, do whatever you can to not share stuff with them.

[Liketheducks]

What WOBG said.   And, look how far you're coming.   This is not easy work.   Celebrate the small decisions you're making.   Taking care of yourself takes practice.   Particularly for us with C-PTSD.   

It will take time.   You're doing great!   

For a long time, it was so anxiety producing for me to have an opinion different from my mother.   I was SO enmeshed with her in what I thought was a healthy relationship.   It only felt healthy if I was doing exactly what she wanted or expected me to do.   Now, I've learned that I can take care of myself...and that can be FUN.   And so freeing.   It is like letting my inner child have free rein in a candy shop.   I get to indulge myself in what I want.   That takes practice....discerning what is best for you as an adult.   My body still gets anxious when I think about putting my needs and wants before my mother's and I get to decide.   But, no one else is going to care for me....my parents certainly didn't....the way I'm parenting my inner child. 

[walking on broken glass]

Also, if you are looking for resources, I highly recommend Dr Ramani's book, her youtube channel and her podcasts!

[peacepath_13]

Thank you for the tip about Dr. Ramani.

Thank you for your words and support.

You know, I do know I should look for a job, but the problem is my fear. If I don't go out on my own, or I don't have a phone, or I've never worked for anyone... it becomes hard to take a bigger step. I've never done anything on my own. My parents have their family business, which I help with, so my mother always blames me for wanting to destroy everything.

I know this might not make sense, but I can't express myself. There's so much I "can't" do, so how can I even think about managing to do something more?

[walking on broken glass]

I understand how difficult this is for you but you have to believe that you owe it to yourself to forge your own path in life. You don't live for your mum's satisfaction and you don't have to work in the family business just because your mum has decided this for you. You are not doing anything wrong. You are just trying to live your life on your own terms.

Can you get a phone without your parents knowing and keep it secret? Also, everytime you are able to have access to the internet, can you use it to look for jobs online? Is there anyone else at all that can help you with this, like a trusted friend or relative, that will not break your confidence and tell your parents?

Try to focus on the things that you can do, even though they might be small. Give yourself some grace!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Peacepath, just finding this place seems to me as though you are on a good path and taking some important steps for yourself.

You mention that your life has so many things like this that block you that it makes you think it's really foolish that you can't leave and that's it. Sometimes the things we believe are blocking us are our own self-limiting beliefs. It can be difficult to recognize and overcome when they are long-held beliefs that also seem to serve others very well.

I think it is alright to trust your own inner guidance. It is alright to do what you believe is best for yourself.

[Dinah-sore]

   Hi peacepath_13,

Wow. First I want to say you are doing so great by coming here to get support. I was shocked and heartbroken by your story, and I know this is just a small bit of information; your whole story is probably filled with endless abuse. Please keep yourself near people who will be on your side, telling you to never give up. Please come here and get encouragement and advice, and know we believe you, we care.

[Tribe16]

Peacepath, I feel for you. Sometimes the big picture is so daunting and overwhelming. Have you thought about asking AI to help you customize a "baby-step' game plan for yourself?  Maybe a prompt that starts with "You are a world renowned psychologist that specializes in CPTSD. I am struggling with ________(you put your story here) and I would like you to give me a list of 50 micro-steps i can take to get to my end goal of _______." (You fill in the goal and/or change the # of steps). Then do the first step. I have no doubt you will feel stronger inside if you can complete that first step - then build on that feeling and complete step two. If your goal is to get out from under your parents I'll bet AI can help you with that. I challenge you to try it! I would try to ask the same question on ChatGPT, Google Gemini and Microsoft copilot and compare notes between the 3!

[Adria]

Peacepath,

I had a narc father who was similar to your mom.  Always told me I couldn't do anything without him. He always sabotaged my efforts, and took credit for anything I achieved. He made my life small and miserable.  And, then one day I bucked up and decided he was not going to get away with controlling every aspect of my life anymore.  Oh, yes, he made me pay in many different ways, but you know what?  It didn't matter. It was worth it to get out from under him.  It took a long time to get myself back on solid ground, but with a lot of patience and self work, I did it.

I would start with baby steps. Make a plan to do one thing new each day, even if it is small, even if it is hard, even if it makes you feel fearful.  Then when you have accomplished the task for that day, find a way to celebrate yourself and your achievement. It is crucial to celebrate even the smallest of victories because that will encourage and strengthen you, and make you feel proud of yourself. Then it will get easier each time.

Most people feel fear when they step out and take a chance or look for a new job. That is normal. I understand your fear comes from a deep place, but if you can tell yourself that fear is normal when thinking of interviewing, or trying something new, it may lesson the impact. Just push through the feeling the best you can (because it is just that, a feeling) and each time you will feel stronger.  If you have a setback, that's okay. Try again tomorrow.  Be patient and kind with yourself.

Maybe you could go on practice interviews with jobs you could care less about. If you don't care about the job that much then the stress level may be next to nothing.  Look at it as a game. Don't take it too seriously or yourself too seriously while practicing.  So what if  they don't call you. It's just to practice and get yourself out there. Analyze how you think you did and how you can improve and go to the next practice interview until you get your confidence up to interview at a job you might love. 

How about looking to rent a room with a room mate? So, you can start with a simple job, nothing too involved or too stressful, and not have to pay too high of bills. You could take public transit if you can't afford a car yet. Don't tell anyone your plans, just keep quietly moving toward your goals knowing you have something to think about just for you. Silence is power. Just knowing you have some kind of plan can be very empowering no matter how long it takes to get there.

I feel so proud of you. It sounds like you are really ready to make some changes. If you've made it this far with your narc mom, you are a very strong and resilient person.  She just wants you to think that you are not.  You've had to be strong just to live with her and deal with her. So, if you think about it, you can probably handle a lot of things most pampered and spoiled kids never could.

Jerry Wise has a lot of awesome videos on these situations.  He makes sense out of the senselessness in narcissistic family dynamics.  He also tells you how to self differentiate and move on with your life.

 It will take a lot of strength and perserverance, but you can do this. I wish you all the best. Hugs, Adria

[LikeTheSea]

I have posted but not contributed. I feel like this    most of the time. I don't know if what I'm saying helps. I'm saying that not to have anyone feel sorry for me. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing.

I am also looking for a job. I have a place to live but am barely there. My uNPD/BPD brother will not approve of me working because that prevents him from being able to work. He's too important to take care of our elderly dad.

As to what to do Peacepath, do you have a resume? If so, can you get onto LinkedIn and apply for jobs? There's a way to get past the AI scanner by putting keywords in the job description in your resume.

That's a step to take. You can see how scary to do this and stop there to gauge your anxiety level. The next step would be to view LinkedIn Seminars on how to motivate yourself to continue a job hunt. There are many other LinkedIn on demand seminars to assist job seekers.

I know I have to set clear boundaries with these disordered people. They are like barracudas when they smell fear.   I figure I have to be a thick-skinned whale to push back a puny, troublesome barracuda. Bite away, but I'm plowing through to where I want to go. 🐳