Bpd AND npd

[Liketheducks]

I've been really angry, ruminating, and just off since the Oprah estrangement podcast, then Thanksgiving (which was beautiful and calm since mom wasn't present), post my mom missing the bare minimum and punishing me by cutting off my son-21 (who thankfully can see grandma is acting like a toddler and it isn't about him), and post my mother pulling some next level manipulation scheme with my brothers family.    Thankfully, had my regularly scheduled therapy appointment...and treated myself to some nice tea and a cookie.   

I've been angry for my brother and his family.   This scheme was basically trying to split my brother's kiddos away from their parents with a fairly juvenile situation.   In relaying the story to my therapist, my biggest question was....how is this behavior serving my mother?    When I saw the Oprah thing, I was seriously considering offering up some joint therapy....but when she caused the drama with my brother's family...I'm just considering blocking her on everything.  I can't understand why someone would rope in a 12 year old with a cell phone to punish the son my mother has constantly rejected.

My therapist suggested that the behavior is serving mom by constantly creating a situation in which things are happening to her and she can appear the victim.   It is a pattern she's exhibited all my life.   Likely she's not aware of it, but rather puts herself in the victim role and then is able to get her needs met by another party....until that peters out.   My therapist also stated that up to 40% of people with BPD also have some form of NPD.   

She also said that people with NPD tend to have that taper off as they get older.   My dad doesn't have the ability to be quite so damaging now.   But the BPD/NPD situation doesn't go away, because what little they know about this now is that BPD never goes away without some kind of treatment.   

So...here I am....a little numb, stuck between sending an amazon Christmas gift to her to tell myself I'm an ok person, blocking her on everything, and or writing a scathing NC letter that would be enormously satisfying to me...but would do absolutely nothing to make things better or get her to hear me.   

[Liketheducks]

My therapist also suggested that she really may think that I'm evil, that my brother is evil, that my SIL is somehow prosecuting her too.   That is so sad.

[Tribe16]

My therapist also stated that up to 40% of people with BPD also have some form of NPD. 

I'm curious about how many people that are CNPD also have BPD?

She also said that people with NPD tend to have that taper off as they get older. 

I'm very sorry you are experiencing this LTD. I wish that was my experience - my mom has 10x the bad behavior now that she had 10 years ago. I don't believe it's dementia because her executive function is still intact - she is organized, rigid and unyielding.

So...here I am....a little numb, stuck between sending an amazon Christmas gift to her to tell myself I'm an ok person, blocking her on everything, and or writing a scathing NC letter that would be enormously satisfying to me...but would do absolutely nothing to make things better or get her to hear me.   

If you do send a gift, do it for you not for her. My therapist said, "how will you feel this Christmas morning if you don't send it (It was already purchased). Don't ruin your Christmas with misplaced guilt because you feel like you're not a good daughter." I thought about this and decided to send. But as I was crying in my car after the post office this afternoon, I told myself "this is not sustainable." And I realize this is the last gift I will send her while she is alive. But I am at peace about it.

And letters? I think we know the experts all advise against it. My therapist did. But I had that spark of hope you know? If I explained it factually, without a lot of emotional language and was compassionate at the same time, maybe she'd see? She never acknowledged it. I know she got it because my sister let me know she was in a mood for a couple of weeks after. Probably a narcissistic collapse of some kind.

BTW, blocking Mom on social media was a decision I should have made years earlier. I've never regretted it.

I hope you have a wonderful peaceful Christmas that doesn't revolve around your mom and her feelings. I wish that for us all, that celebrate.