Breaking Up Without Incident: HELP

[saralynn1113]

      I have my own small business. My soon to be ex has destroyed my life and feels no remorse over it, even worse "none of it is even his fault AT ALL". I got to the point where I stopped being able to function. I lost my house, my car, my relationship with my Dad, pets I loved more than anything and there are some events for my business that I can't even participate in anymore, because he screamed and called me a kunt or generally couldn't control himself at all. I have had it. I have lost everything there is to lose and now I am done. I can't take it anymore. Should I have my cousin there for the final departure and break up? There is no telling what my soon to be ex will ever do. He is so impulsive. He could just leave without incident maybe? Or then again he has threatened to break my things and hurt my remaining pets and cut my head off, when discussing breaking up before. If I have my cousin there I am sure he will say things I wouldn't want my cousin to even know, but if he explodes I will need my cousin there. Has anyone broken up with someone like this before and not had anything bad happen? What should I do?

[saralynn1113]

I am replying to my own post. Like talking to myself, which I definitely do. Having my cousin there could trigger him and he has threatened to do even more damage to my business. If he is triggered, he might want to ensure I lose what little I have left. My idea was to have my cousin close by enough to watch if I get in trouble, but not close enough for my would be then ex, to see. Any thoughts on this idea?

[bloomie]

saralynn1113 - hi, and welcome to Out of the FOG. Things sound like they are very hard right now and I am so thankful you are getting out of such a destructive relationship. No one here is equipped to give advice as to what you should do and how you should handle ending this relationship as this seems to be a time of grave danger to you.

What we can do is support you as you process and recover from all you have experienced. We can offer understanding and compassion as you rebuild your life and relationships that have been damaged at the hands of your ex.

I want to suggest contacting your local domestic violence organization and talk things through in person with someone who is specifically trained to walk you through ending this relationship. What we do know is this time and the next bit after ending the relationship can be the most dangerous. So, expert guidance would be of good help to you.

Please head over to the Separating and Divorcing board when you are ready where you will find others who are at varying stages of healing from their own destructive relationships.

I want to pop in emergency links that might be of help to you in the coming days. When you are able, please come back and let us know how you are doing!

https://outofthefog.website/emergency

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group- I know how hard it is to share these kinds of things that happened to you in your HOME where you should be the safest-

I was in a similar situation with my uDX exBF and had to get a PPO-  as part of the process of the FINAL break up my ex came over and they had a peace officer team present when he picked up his personal belongings, but this was bc we already had the order in place.  it was good to have those neutral eyes there for BOTH me and my ex bc there were high stakes if either of us got out of order.

I agree with @bloomie that calling a local DV hotline/ support from a safe place may be the best first step for your situation. 

please be safe and check in when you can. 

[MaxedOut]

Sara Lynn I am so sorry for all you have gone through and I am sure the prospect of ending the relationship is stressful. I found it helpful to talk with someone experienced in safety and exit planning, like Bloomie recommends (a local DV agency in my case plus a therapist). There are likely many more nuances than you are currently thinking about and there are good preparatory steps they can advise you about taking beforehand. That planning and prep steps really helped me with a couple of things: (1) feeling like I could respond from a better position if I left of my ex ended things unexpectedly; (2) feeling safe that certain key things were sorted (e.g., important documents and items were safe); (3) having a better understanding of what would prevent certain things not just be more or less likely to blow up; (4) looping some people in to an extent so I wasn't worried about what my ex might reactively reveal/do as much; and (5) having a to do list made when I was not in crisis mode of things to do right after (e.g, list of digital access things to change) that was hella helpful in the hours and days post-breakup as my mind was scrambled and nervous system was, to put it charitably, just hanging in there.

Many people also consult a divorce lawyer ahead of time and give law enforcement a heads up or request an escort (LEO, off duty officer) or plan to remove key things and end the relationship without being in the same place at the same time. That possibility was a little hard for me to wrap my head around because I had never not talked to someone (and usually continued talking) in ending relationships regardless of who decided to end things. As mentioned the sub-forum on Separating and Divorcing is good as a resource on people's experiences, what they thought was important/wished they knew, etc. specific to romantic/partner relationships.