Greetings

[swords]

Hello everyone,

I was recently speaking about my situation with an AI, and it suggested that I check out Out of the FOG, so here I am.

I have detected that there is perhaps something wrong with my mother for a number of years now.

My sister and I, both moved out of the family home as soon as we could.

When I moved out, my mother had a mental breakdown, and she said that I was abandoning her.

Since then, we limit our interactions with her mostly to Christmas and Easter, but that has meant decades of ruined holidays, where we interact with someone that is clearly mentally unwell, and has behavioral or boundary issues with her children. These times of year, turn into incredibly stressful events, leading up to, and then the cooling down afterwards.

As I have gotten older, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Once I researched the topic more, I understood that there was a lot of overlap between myself and herself, especially in terms of sensory issues. I then started to consider that perhaps she was Autistic too, and just never got diagnosed, because none of that existed, and even if it did there certainly wasn't any mental health services to correct them. From what I understand, it seems that she went through a series of traumatic experiences, losing her mother when she was 16, getting pregnant at 20 and having the baby taken away from her, her father dying when she was 24, etc. She has also not been able to hold down work, because mental health issues, but also likely because Autistic issues. This has led me to consider that she has developed a series of narcissistic or borderline traits, and has isolated herself because of it.

Over the last 2 years, I have traveled to visit Ireland, where I am from originally, from Norway, where I have lived for the last couple of years. Norway to me feels like a safe haven, I feel grounded, and calm here. My family doesn't have my home address, and they aren't invited to visit. When I go back to Ireland, it is mostly out of guilt, and every time I have gone back, my mother has pressured me to move back to Ireland. Each time, I have to make it clear to her, that I don't have any interest in living in Ireland, and haven't lived there for close to 10 years now. The last time this happened was during the summer, on my 40th birthday. When I brought it up to her afterwards, she said that she was "just asking...", and when I told her see keeps bringing it up during each visit, even though being told during each visit the same information, she glosses over that, and just carries on. I felt that perhaps these visits back to Ireland weren't actually comforting or recharging in anyway, and my doctor had noticed the effects that they were having on me before and after, and suggested that I should perhaps not be traveling back at all.

I have tried to message my mother, or record audio, because if you attempt to speak with her directly, she will deflect, project, gaslight, talk over you, talk in circles, storm out of the room, slam doors, or hang up the call. Having a written message, or an audio message, also pushed back on her gaslighting about conversations afterwards. Anyways, I made it clear to her, that I feel she is mentally ill, and that she should consider going to a doctor, to which she ignored this.

This summer, after the 40th, I messaged her again, about the moving back to Ireland pressure, but I went further, and articulated everything about her behavior, examples of her behavior towards myself and my siblings (my brother also went no contact, and he moved to Sweden), all of it she either ignored or denied. And I made it clear to her, that either she changes, or I cannot be in contact with her anymore. She sent a laughing emoji at this, so I blocked her.

I am of the mind now, that I may never see or talk to her again, and honestly it feels like a weight is lifted, but at the same time, I feel a lot of guilt, because she is an aging person by herself. I find myself having to recount, what my rational is, because I still feel under her spell a little, where she would just deny, or gaslight on her behavior, and I would just endlessly get sucked into the same arguments with her. The number one most anger inducing thing is that if I spoke to her about why I told her I didn't want to communicate with her again, she would respond, "I don't know". She would literally try to pretend that no previous conversation was had with her, and this isn't an age related issue, she has been doing this for decades.

Finally, I think my relationship with her, has made it difficult to trust others, and have close romantic relationships since.

So, I just wanted to say hello, and give an idea of my experience, and if there is anyone else out there, that has been in the same and can advise.

Thanks.

[bloomie]

Hi, swords! Welcome to Out of the FOG! Thank you for sharing some context for the difficulties with your mother that bring you here.

You will find the community to be a compassionate and insightful place and my hope is the support and encouragement you find here will lighten your load!

Disconnecting, whether for a time or permanently from a parent whose behaviors are causing us tremendous pain is terribly hard. I am so sorry you are facing such a difficult decision.

May I suggest that you don't have to do anything permanently? That you can take a break and allow yourself to heal, gain strength and perspective around further contact.

Having a disordered and/or mentally ill mother is so layered and complex. I know this from first hand experience. Your mother seems to have managed somehow to this point and you have been very clear with her that you believe she needs help with her issues that are pushing you, and others, away. It seems she is able to make choices that do not lend themselves to her stabilization. The consequences for those choices and her behaviors are that her children have pulled away... literally moved away to find a way to be safe from her.

One of the most foundational truths I began to understand with my own mother was being clear, speaking the truth of the extent of her serious issues and her need for professional help beyond my expertise is what love looks like. For yourself and for her.

Take your time as you settle in to look through the resources and conversations on the forum boards. When you are ready... join the conversations with real life people who have a unique understanding of the challenges you face in all of this!

Again, welcome!