Kids in the mix

[toe2toe]

Hey everyone. So, my uNPDw and I have a few children. After separating for about 3 months my children have really hard hearts toward me. They feel like everything that has happened is my fault. I won't go into the boring details.

Here's what I know... If I am experiencing this control, egg-shell walking, boundary steam rolling, continual aggressor but ultimate victim role, I am positive the children are experiencing them as well.

They are at an age where, lets just say, they are very impressionable. They don't see the big picture. They have not come Out of the FOG. What pro-active steps have people in this group done to counter act these effects? Also, if some of you have been in this type of situation, what did you do and how are your kiddos faring today?

Many thanks,
Toe2Toe

[toe2toe]

I swear I don't have leprosy. You wont contract it if you reply to me

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome toe2toe. Your question is a hard one. I presume your children are little. When mine were little, I chose to shut up and put up in order to protect them as best as I could. This came at great cost for my emotional well being. And now, decades later one of my kids says I should have left earlier. So there you go.

Now you have left and seem to experience parental alienation. Can you still build a case for custody? Do you have legal advice? What do you think would be the best for the children? You should put the children first - what is in their best interest, that is what you should do. If you feel they should live with you, that's what you should fight for. If that is not an option for you, what is your ultimate goal?

Have you checked out the Toolbox? https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1 this will be beneficial when dealing with your kids too.

[GoodPesto]

Separating parents are a nightmare for most kids almost regardless of their age and even if things get better for them in the long run.
What you perceive as hard hearts could be their way to protect themselves from furher harm, e.g. in the case they feel left alone.
Siding with their primary-caretaker could as well be part of a survival-strategy. Or they are emotionally forced to fight you by-proxy.
Depending on their age, coming Out of the FOG might not even be possible due to children's tendency to perceive parents as god-like figures whom they are dependent on to survive.
I'd have a lot of understanding that this situation s*cks like not much else for them and make sure to not expect anything from them and consistently show up or in their lifes one way or another. They are unable to leave the situation like you could.
What nrith pointed out I think are very good questions and you are right, they most likely feel what you were feeling.

[IsleOfSong]

Hi toe2toe.... sorry to hear what you're going through. There are quite a few videos on YouTube relating to parental alienation and how to combat it. Dr. Les Carter, in particular, addresses the topic from time to time, so maybe do a search on YouTube for his videos on the subject.

From what I recall, the advice is similar to what you're hearing here — just continue to be a reliable, supportive presence in your kids' lives, and hope for the best. Resist whatever temptation you might have to defend yourself by speaking badly about their mom to them. With any luck, playing the "long game" that way will lead to your kids coming around and valuing you as a parent, regardless of whatever programming your ex is trying to put in their minds.

P.S. For what it's worth, I opted to stay throughout my kids' childhoods in order to protect my son, who has been painted as the scapegoat child by my uNPD wife since he was small. He's now 18 and soon off to university, but he's still been damaged by her antics, even with me as a steady unconditional presence in his life. So if you're second-guessing yourself on leaving when you did, please don't.

[Rebel13]

Hi toe2toe, I am not a parent, but over the years I have read a lot of excellent stuff on the Chumplady blog about parenting through separation and divorce. I hope you find some helpful thoughts from the posts and comments there!

[1footouttadefog]

It's always heartbreaking to read these stories where kids are involved.

I feel for you and know that women often play very unfair in these situations. 

Be there for the kids and avoid criticizing their mom.  Even give positivity where possible.  If you spend time with them it's okay to give her complements.

For example ask them if they are doing their chores and then saying ,your mom always kept a nice place and things will be harder for her now so help her out. 

Of if they said they had such and such for supper, saying she always did such a nice job with that. 

When she lashes out against you the kids will see the difference and might even call her out.