Hello Everyone

[Foxtrot]

Hi Everyone, I'm new here and really glad that I have found this space.

My relationship with my dad has been rocky for a long time, but in the last year it's just become impossible to ignore how much it affects me. We live in different states and since his visit to me in May 2024, I really tried to start fresh. I let go of past problems, focused on being kind, and reached out for every holiday. I made the effort to show up in good faith. In return, I was ignored on important days, had my calls go unanswered, and even had him claim to other people, including my husband, that he didn't even have my phone number saved in his phone.

There have also been moments that were outright betrayals. Like him lying to me about who he was in contact with, or letting me think that I was having a private conversation, and then having other people right there listening on Speaker. When I've tried to talk about how these things make me feel, he either shuts down, changes the subject, or gets angry and accuses me of attacking him. Our last call, two days ago, ended with him hanging up on me, which really drove home the fact that I just can't make this relationship healthy on my own.

So now I'm in a kind of soft no contact. I'm not initiating anything and I'm doing this to protect my peace, because I am finally trying to accept that I can't control him, only myself. The only way I'd consider reconnecting is if he reached out to me with a genuine apology and took responsibility for his actions. And I just don't think that that will ever happen.

I'd love to hear from others who have gone soft or no contact with a parent. What helped you hold your boundaries without feeling guilty? How did you cope with the part of you that still really wishes that things could be different?

[bloomie]

Foxtrot - Hi there and welcome. Thank you for sharing a bit of the difficulties and pain you are experiencing in your relationship with your father. I can almost feel the anguish and disappointment and dare I suggest perplexity, in your description of you father's most recent behaviors. I am so very sorry you do not have a father who is trustworthy, loving and reliable.

Taking a break, refraining from initiating, holding standards for the way you are treated by your father (or anyone, for that matter), is what healthy people do in the face of disrespect and what sounds like dishonesty. We come to here to learn to stop going toward those who have shown themselves to not be a safe place for us and to figure out what, if any, level of relationship and contact we are able to have with them.

A wise founding member puts it something like this: when someone treats us fairly well 80% of the time and terribly 20% of the time we feel badly 100% of the time. The shifting sand you describe in your father's behaviors possibly creates an atmosphere of risk with every interaction.

We do not give advice about what you 'should' do here at Out of the FOG. What we do is offer insights from our own journey, tools in the toolbox above, resources and support. Only you can find what is best and right for you and taking a step back is an appropriate response to mistreatment so that you can settle your nervous system and begin to process things as you are able.

I'd love to hear from others who have gone soft or no contact with a parent. What helped you hold your boundaries without feeling guilty? How did you cope with the part of you that still really wishes that things could be different?

I can say that moving from a kind of intellectual understanding to deeply held belief that guilty feelings are not = to being guilty of something, was very important. For me, these feelings were an indicator of having been trained to accommodate abuse, discarding, push pull behaviors, silent treatment, histrionics, betrayal and so much more, to my own harm. And to abandon myself in the midst of it and put a consistently harmful parent's feelings and issues and needs before my own.

I began to hold my boundaries because I had other people who were counting on me to protect myself and them, to heal and grow beyond an sense of fear, obligation, or guilt that was out of order in my heart and mind. A big part of that was/is learning to stay with myself when these awful situations arise with those whose behaviors are harmful and disordered.

And I had to grieve the reality of the traits and worldview that my own parents held that meant that they would never truly change or acknowledge their harmful behaviors toward me and my family.

Take it slow! Read through the info here, join the conversations and this lovely community of fellow travelers will support you! Cheering you on and so thankful you found us!!!