Double Binds and No-Win situations

verum71 · October 10, 2025, 09:20:51 AM

I have been divorced from my BPDx for 16 years. We have 3 adult children together. My ex-wife was diagnosed BPD in 2004 and has not been treated for it. If it seems like I'm struggling to put my thoughts together in this message, it's because I am. I've been working on building back my relationships with all 3 of my children - the younger 2 have been pretty disconnected from me over the last 2 years or so. I have been doing some research on parental alienation and it seems like the consensus of the people that have suffered at the hands of an alienating parent have all said that the targeted parent (in my situation would be me) knows that the relationship with the alienating parent is difficult. But when they find out the truth from their child, it was A LOT worse than what they could have imagined. I say this because trying to heal relationships with your kids is in no way a "one and done" - the damage inflicted is pretty severe.
I have felt like I have had a good relationship with my oldest son through all of this (he is 26) and over the last 2 months he has started to drift away and be distant. When I have tried to get together with him, something seems to come up and he is a little evasive. I was speaking to my therapist about this early this week, looking for some ideas on what to do.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it is very hard to overcome the damage that has been done to my children. I have been pretty open with my oldest son after he turned 18 about the challenges of trying to co-parent with his BPD mom - he knows this. My younger 2 kids were shielded from this by me when they were growing up and became estranged before they were adults.
When I had my wife served with divorce papers in 2009, she was having an affair (2nd time). A week prior to my discovering that the affair was going on, she had left me a long 4 page letter about how she was suicidal and couldn't take care of the kids - please take care of them - I know that's best - I'm going to try and get some help, etc. Fast forward a week - find out she is having an affair and I confronted her about it. A week later I had her served with divorce papers. A week after that I have the sheriff come to my school to serve me with an Order For Protection, which was later dropped - because - she had left behind that letter and not told the judge she was hospitalized a month earlier.

I say all of this because this was classic splitting - I was the best one week and 3 weeks later she needs an order for protection to get me out of the house, and it has been that way ever since. My children have been been bombarded with a distorted reality since October of 2009, and the damage is done.

I put "Double Bind" in the title of this message because sixteen years later I realize how hard it is to talk to anyone (especially my children) about my experience without wondering in the back of my mind what this person will think if I tell them what happened. Because a normal person would ask themselves, "why would someone file an order for protection if there was not a good reason to do so? Why would they make this up?" If a person believes that this is their reality, then they are not really lying. I still struggle to understand and believe this. And I am saying this now because I am really starting to realize how difficult this will be to heal my relationships with my children.

bloomie · October 11, 2025, 06:49:27 PM

verum71 - here's what came to my mind as I read this in particular:

Quote from: verum71 on October 10, 2025, 09:20:51 AMI put "Double Bind" in the title of this message because sixteen years later I realize how hard it is to talk to anyone (especially my children) about my experience without wondering in the back of my mind what this person will think if I tell them what happened. Because a normal person would ask themselves, "why would someone file an order for protection if there was not a good reason to do so? Why would they make this up?" If a person believes that this is their reality, then they are not really lying. I still struggle to understand and believe this. And I am saying this now because I am really starting to realize how difficult this will be to heal my relationships with my children.

There are so many people who have personal experience with a family member, ex, friend who is unstable enough to behave as you describe behaving and people will believe you as you choose wisely who you entrust your story and experiences to.

It is a terrible position (double bind) you have been put in for a huge part of your children's lives. The grief and injustice of it has to be so hard to hold up under.

It sounds like your eldest is still in the young adult phase and it could be he is pulling away as he would naturally at this age. Is that possible in his case, or has he indicated it is due to something else?

As for your younger two, they are in a double bind, too I imagine. And still living in the home with their mother, I am assuming. That makes it very difficult for them to challenge the narrative, but I would ask... what are the odds they don't see first hand their mother's issues to some extent?

Is there any avenue in with your younger two? Any way to continue to somehow show up for them however you are able?

One thing that could be of comfort, if you don't do this already, is to write them letters, cards, on special days or just when you feel like it and keep them for the day you could share them with them to let them know you have loved them always and thought of them often.

Don't lose hope!!! Don't stop taking good care of yourself and reminding yourself not to project too far into the future. And keep sharing here in this community where you are believed!

verum71 · October 11, 2025, 08:59:15 PM

Bloomie - thanks for your response. I do message my daughter about once or twice a week reminding her that I am still there. I haven't heard anything from her in over a year. My middle son has een struggling with addiction and getting sober - he has a phone - doesn't have a phone - he has been tough to connect with and rarely calls me out of the blue. I have sent them letters and continually try to stay in contact - it is emotionally draining when it's a one- way street. And .. I do think they can see their mom's behavior but unfortunately it is their normal over there.

bloomie · October 11, 2025, 09:48:08 PM

verum71 - I am putting the pieces together from other times you have shared here with the community. Thank you for reminding.

What difficult challenges you are facing! What a gem you are to your children to stay the course during the toughest of circumstances. I am fighting tears thinking of your faithfulness to them.

The hope is that there will come a day in the not too distant future where they will see how truly blessed they are to have a father who, despite the discouragement and personal losses, has continued to be there.

verum71 · October 12, 2025, 07:41:33 AM

Thanks again Bloomie - you made my day 😁

xredshoesx · October 12, 2025, 09:27:59 AM

thinking about you today @verum71 . I was close to 30 when I finally was able to see the nuanced level of PAS that my biological mother deployed against my biological father. I know it's hard and I know you love your kids.

verum71 · October 13, 2025, 07:44:07 AM

Thanks for sharing that xredshoesx - my oldest is 26 my other son is 22 and my daughter is 18. It does seem like the consensus from people that I have heard share their stories about alienation is that the "aha" moment came many years later, which simultaneously feels like a blessing and a curse - having to "hurry up and wait".

SeaBreeze · October 16, 2025, 06:44:44 PM

My late uNPD mother tried very hard to alienate my brother and me from our "good enough" father. Including some of our formative years living several hours from him. I always saw through her tactics, while my dad did his best to counteract them, but I will say it took until my 20s to understand she was the abusive parent and spouse, not him, and for me to better understand the choices he had to make. uNPDm passed away 10 years ago. Whereas today, my dad (who is still alive and well in his 80s) and my brother and I all live a few minutes from each other. I text my dad daily, we drop by each other's houses, randomly bump into each other at the store, and have lunch together at least once or twice a week. I'm not saying you have to wait til ex is dead, you're elderly, and the kids are middle age, but just pointing out how in my situation, uNPDm's tactics against my father ultimately and obviously failed.

verum71 · October 17, 2025, 08:00:17 AM

Sea Breeze - thanks for sharing. This gives me some hope. I don't really know to what extent my kids are able to see what is going on in the situation. My oldest son has shared that he gets frustrated with his mom but has never been open with me about what it looks like or feels like over there. I'm sure it's extremely difficult to be kind of triangulated with his 2 other siblings who still have loyalty binds with their mom. I'm meeting my oldest son for coffee today

Rose1 · October 19, 2025, 04:49:05 AM

My DH was married to a woman with pd sufficiently bad for his therapist to suggest she was psychopathic. She was an abuser of my DH and of the oldest kids at least.
So his oldest, my stepdaughter is around 50 and some years ago she asked me some questions about some of the stuff that happened during the divorce. Interesting that she was told a near truth - ie an element of the story was true but the people involved and what actually happened was not. Her siblings have varying relationships with each other and with their father. 2 have a very distant relationship, 2 much better. We don't know what was said and sadly the pd behaviour has become their norm and for many years there was fear of her by the kids.
We will see what continues. They know his door is open and as they have become parents themselves they seem to have a much better idea of how difficult the situation was for him. Sometimes you just have to walk a mile in the other person's shoes. For his oldest, she now has 2 more sisters, and her kids have aunts and we like and respect each other. Hope the youngest will too although interestingly that seems to be happening.
Keep doing what you are doing and don't give up. It's often a long term project.

verum71 · October 19, 2025, 08:53:14 AM

Rose - thanks for sharing. I have never heard the term "near truth" before, but I am so very familiar with it. It is such an insidious tool of a manipulator, and sometimes it is very hard to get out from underneath it. On a positive side note - I had coffee with my oldest son last Friday and we had a very great discussion about some concerns I have with our relationship. The conversation went very well, and he also shared with me that my youngest daughter, who just graduated and was living with my BPDx, has a full time job and has moved out of her mom's house. Apparently they had a falling out when my daughter said she wanted to work full time and wait to go to school - apparently my BPDx did not take that very well.