Need help wrapping my mind around Mom

[larann78]

I'm a 47 year old female. My Mom is 66.
Alot went down in my childhood, but let's stick to adulthood.
If I look nice, she immediately starts the comments like, "Well aren't you gussied up? Why are you so dressed up? I'm going to just be me." or "Well I guess I'll just look like shit next to you." or "I didn't know you were going to be dressed to the nines. I look like this and people can take me or leave me."
....then she'll straight up make up lies and say things like, "That woman just sneered at me and looked me up and down. Must be nice to be so entitled." I'll be standing right next to her and it never happened. But she'll try to convince me it did and that I just didn't see it.
She trauma dumps on me constantly about her childhood and my Dad's alcoholism. Even after I've listened patiently since I was 5 year old... as an adult I've asked her to stop and she won't.
She's constantly acting as if she's 90 years old. Why? We can't figure it out. She'll make herself trip over something just to get attention in a store and CLAIM it wasn't on purpose.
She recently just recovered from cancer and I overheard her telling a group of people, "I'll beat it again...I'm doing the best I can." She's in remission, but she told these people she had it for a second time. When I called her out on it, she told me at first that her brain is mixed up from the chemo and that she messed her words up. When I brought it up again that night, she told me that I misheard and that she was just telling them that if she ever got sick again, she would be it again.
Forget shopping. If I'm shopping for something for myself, she'll make sure it doesn't get done because she'll start making me help her find herself things.
Same when we are on vacation. She came in my room 3 nights ago and saw me trying to do my hair and saw what I was wearing. She said, "Well, I obviously need to change." She walked out and came back in a bit later. I was still trying to diffuse my hair (curly hair takes forever). she insisted that I help her with her dress immediately. She kept finding things for me to do so I didn't have time to get cleaned up.
She'll ruin plans such as dinner reservations to my favorite restaurant and then expect me to console her because she just "feels so bad". Last time I did NOT console her and she went on for hours and hours saying things like, "I'm just so sick about ruining your plans that I might throw up. I probably won't be able to eat tonight at all." or "I ruin everything. I bet you hate me." or "I'm trying so hard not to cry." And then she'll stare at me.
What is WRONG with this woman? She fakes limps. She hunches over on purpose so people will carry her shit at the airport.... Diagnose this woman!

[Rebel13]

Hi larann78, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. This kind of behavior can be very frustrating and even mind-boggling.

I personally care less about what a person's diagnosis may be, than how they treat me. There are lots of resources on this site that can help with reducing the impact these behaviors have on us. You might want to check out the Toolbox articles to see what rings true for you, and what seems helpful. A couple that I really like are the Three Cs Rule and Boundaries.

Wishing you the best!

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @larann78

I can empathize with what you shared because I had similar conflict with my mother as a teen- it was like I went from being an extension of her to being in competition WITH her (for what prize I never did figure out) but I remember feeling like there was literally NOTHING I COULD DO RIGHT because she always had to say something negative about EVERYTHING.

like @Rebel13 said there are tons of resources here and the collective knowledge of the good people of the forum has helped me get through A LOT.

when you are ready to share more we're listening.  see you on the boards!

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, Larann.  Welcome!

Wow, reading your post really hit home with me.  My mother acts almost identical to this.  Although none of us can diagnose her, I have had two therapists suggest that my mother has strong Narcissistic tendencies (they can't diagnose her either, they just pointed out the tendencies).  Such as having to be the center of attention no matter what, needing you to caretake her emotions, doing anything, even negative things to get attention, etc. 

I hope for your sake you will learn about setting some boundaries to protect your emotional and mental well-being.  For example, you said your mother wouldn't stop trauma dumping on you even though you told me her to stop (My mom too!).  You can never control what she does or doesn't do, but you can have a plan in place to decide what YOU will do if she starts to trauma dump.  You could say, "Sorry, I've got to go!", and hang up if you're on the phone.  You could always take your own car so you can leave if you are with her in person.  These things are hard to do, and it takes time to learn to do them without feeling immense guilt and fear.  I am still learning myself and I'm in my 50's.  Also, keeping interactions short has been very helpful (not sure I could stand going on a vacation with my mother ever again, but since she doesn't travel any more, I'm off the hook!  Our last vacation was a nightmare!). 

Anyway, glad you found us here and hope you discover lots of support and tools to help you!!

[gcj07a]

Larann,

So sorry you are dealing with this! I can relate. My mom has borderline (undiagnosed). The thing about borderline is that it can rotate through several profiles. Sometimes my mom was the queen (demanding and controlling), sometimes the witch (cruel), sometimes the hermit (always on the alert for hidden agendas), and sometimes the waif (the perpetual victim). For more, see this: https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/borderline-mother-types