Constant questioning

[Happypants]

I was just wondering how everyone deals with constantly questioning yourself.  Questioning whether you're imagining malintent behind innocent comments due to past experience.  Questioning whether your boundaries are OTT or in themselves abusive (especially where elderly parents with health problems are concerned).  Whether you've become avoidant in the quest to protect yourself.  Whether you're being controlling in a quest to avoid being controlled yourself.  I'm currently at the mercy of hormones and it's really exacerbating this to a huge degree, but these ruminations have been there for a long time.  They're the most emotionally exhausting and time-consuming part of this big mess that has become my life.  I'm now looking at my parents as simply faulty humans, a category which I fall into also.  I don't have the energy to work out what is malignant and what isn't.  I'm so tired of pushing back against what I perceive to be controlling behaviour and really questioning it all.  When I say "pushing back", I feel like even my kindest (to them and to me) internal boundaries are a form of push-back - after all these years I just feel like I'm wrong in every way. I can no longer figure out where the fine line is that I've been trying to tread in order to not cause hurt but not feel attacked or live at the mercy of my nervous system.  I used to think that that fine line was a tiny set of invisible moving goalposts that they put up every time I interact with them, and that my internal boundaries and the ability to predict their responses gave me a safe spot some distance away to shoot from.  I'm starting to think there is no line at all and that the only way to feel and version of "healthy" from here on in is to stop pushing back and just let them carry on.  It doesn't feel sustainable any more though I know that's probably partially hormones (peri) talking, but I just feel like it's all been for nothing.  Has anyone found a way to deal with this feeling?

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know, and I will be very interested to see what others have to say because I am at a similar stage in life and am very familiar of the joy (!) of hormones contributing to the mix.

I would comment, however, on your statement that the ability to predict their responses might contribute to your having a reliably safe spot. I have had that feeling, too, but my ability to predict their responses is getting worse. When I raise this with my T, her approach is to remind me that I cannot control what other people do, or say, or think so I need to direct my efforts to feeling safe with myself. So whatever curve ball they throw, or however far they shift the goalposts, I feel confident in my ability to deal with this while keeping my nervous system comfortable and my conscience reasonably clean. Easier said than done, I know. But recently I have been watching some Jerry Wise videos on You Tube (I really like his approach) and had a lightbulb moment. Because he pointed out that as I change, so the family system must change in response. Nothing happens in a vacuum. I cannot maintain boundaries and expect them to carry on behaving exactly as before. They are having to deal with a new situation (my boundaries) so it stands to reason they will do things differently. Hence the need to feel safe in myself. Relying on my ability to predict their behaviour does not help me when I am moving the goalposts myself.

[Rebel13]

I feel you Happypants! I'm in menopause since having a total hysterectomy almost two years ago now. I haven't thought about the hormonal factor, but the reason behind the surgery was definitely a catalyst in my going no contact with my mom after many, many years of twice a year video chats and occasional texts.

That constant questioning of self is SO exhausting and painful and confusing. I feel lucky that I've gotten to work with a very compatible trauma-informed therapist for over a year now, and it's helped a lot. One thing that I see a lot of people doing, which of course I did myself and sometimes still do, is trying to measure my behavior/thoughts/boundaries/wishes against some external ruler, like "is this fair?" or "healthy." I mean, I know we need words to talk about this stuff, and it's good to have values and consider the impact of what we do on others. But at least in my case, one of the most damaging effects of my mother's upbringing of me was that my wants and wishes were never a good enough reason for doing anything. Whatever I wanted was kind of by definition WRONG.

By centering my desires and comfort level and using them to guide therapy, my therapist has taught me that I get to use them as a guide for LIFE. I'm not saying I run around selfishly doing what I want all the time and nothing else, but now I know that what I want to do in a given situation is AT LEAST as important as any other factor.

For example, I have social anxiety which has caused me to avoid a lot of social situations in my life. I also know that I generally feel better when I interact with people I like and care about. What helps with the conflict is that now I can acknowledge that yeah, I'm feeling like I don't want to go to this lunch date today, but my wise mind knows that I like these people and want to maintain the relationships, and that I'm usually glad to HAVE gone, afterwards. If I'm meeting someone new, and it doesn't go well and I don't feel good after, then I don't have to keep hanging out with that person.

So my evaluation of situations and my behavior has become less about "am I doing the right thing?!?!?!" and more about, am I doing what I want to do? Am I considering my feelings and preferences, even if I sometimes decide to choose something I'm not totally comfortable with?

A nice companion to this is mindfulness training, because it has helped me learn to stop rumination, that is, to have more control over my thoughts and where I put my attention. When that obsessive anxiety-driven questioning pops up, at least some of the time now I can say to my mind, "nope, we're not going to think about that now," and shift my focus onto something else. I can say things to myself like, "I can't solve that problem today," "I don't have enough information yet to figure that out or make that decision," or "that isn't my problem to solve." I might have to go through that process a bunch of times, but it feels SO MUCH BETTER than getting stuck in that loop of self-judgment and free-floating, unmoored uncertainty.

I really like NarcKiddo's observation about how relationships are not fixed, but constantly changing as we are changing how we are in them. This reminded me of something Rick Hanson said in a talk I listened to recently, this one:

"Can we stand up for ourselves? Can we take action in our lives to make our lives as good as possible? And can we have kind of a big picture awareness of the ways in which our personing, our mind-body process with a coherent and a particular identity over a lifespan, that our mind-body process is like a wave emerging in the Pacific Ocean for a time due to causes and conditions, and then eventually dispersing, while all along its nature was water. That may sound all airy-fairy, and still, the recognition of the truth of that can really, really, really help you be more at peace with being a person-process, rather than getting identified with a positional brick-like self."

I found this concept (quote at about 35 min in the talk), and really the whole talk, so helpful.

I hope you can find some moments of peace with this problem/process, and get some rest for yourself.

[walking on broken glass]

One thing that I see a lot of people doing, which of course I did myself and sometimes still do, is trying to measure my behavior/thoughts/boundaries/wishes against some external ruler, like "is this fair?" or "healthy."

Yep, this is me 100%. As my therapist said, you have a very strong sense of morality. I am also learning to listen to what I want and where my preferences lie. When you've been told and shown for years that what you want is not important or at least not as important as what other people want, it is a hard lesson to unlearn.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think it's okay to ask if something is fair, but remembering to implement the 51% rule about it. You give yourself preferential treatment and that is just! We're told to think of others before ourselves so often, but... I think for people on this forum, we mostly need the opposite advice in order to hit that balance where virtue truly lies!

[TimetoHeal]

Peri-sisters, Unite!    Isn't it fun?  Yes, our ability to put up with BS is severely compromised at this stage of life, and in a way, I consider it a blessing.  I am literally being forced by my hormones to deal with things a different way than I always have. 

I am working on exactly those things you mention in therapy right now. It is very difficult to untangle it all.  But I feel like I have given and given and bent so much, that I would rather err on the side of putting myself first and not worrying if I hurt my uPD mother at this point.  She has hurt me plenty in the past, and continues to do so, so just the fact that I am still in relationship at all with her, I feel like she should be grateful for.  Is that the right answer?  I don't know, but it's where I'm at.