Walking on eggshells--what's the line?

[Mary]

Sometimes I walk on eggshells on purpose because there is an important family event coming up, and I don't want drama to destroy it. For example, I avoided going to church a couple of weeks leading up to school starting because I didn't want any church-related arguments with uNPDh to get in the way of homeschooling. Around Back-to-school time, my husband will threaten to put my son in public school in order to punish me. My son has huge attention issues, and I have been able to tailor his learning environment so he can be successful. Now that the first day of school is past, I will go back to church. My husband will probably punish me in other ways, but I'm used to it and am definitely refusing to quit going to church because of it.

My question is, Where do you draw the line on being prudent to avoid conflict versus having your life controlled by walking on eggshells?

Mary

[square]

What I'm seeing is you acting with purpose on your priorities, and I think that's admirable.

Sometimes doing what you need to do for your family involves braving possible wrath - such as certain home projects. You prayerfully and bravely faced this and did what you needed for your family.

Sometimes doing what you need for your family involves being quiet. You are not less brave for doing this. It carries its own price, but you have decided that your priority is homeschooling for your son. You also seem to be planning to do this no longer than necessary. This is very different from acting out of fear.

Well done.

[bloomie]

Just catching up here, Mary! I love square's response and agree wholeheartedly "acting with purpose on your priorities" is brave and trusting yourself in this is wise.

[toe2toe]

Hi Mary,

I'm glad you are not foregoing Church because of it. My situation is similar. In times past, I used to just go ahead with whatever she wanted: maybe she was expecting an apology for something bogus, maybe her self esteem is a bit low and she needs a "pick-me-up" by putting me down or accusing me of doing something. This is where I usually fold. I like how you are proactive though however, I don't know how I would be proactive in my situation unless I just cut her off from the get go.

[Mary]

Thanks so much for the encouragement, everyone. I second guess myself ALOT. Reading your restatement of my plan is helping me evaluate it.

Now that school is under way, things have settled down considerably. I am back to church, even though it causes uPDh consternation, and am drawing strength from it and the people that love me there.

Mary

[1footouttadefog]

Glad you avoided drama. 

Perhaps comparing you going to church to something he does that you don't do might be helpful.  ..if he is critical saying yes, I have my church and you have your ball games different strokes for different folks. 

Most narcs have a sense of fairness even if they distort it for there own benefit. 

[Deby64]

Mary, I'm just catching up and agree 100% with Square. You are navigating this situation for the greater good, no to please him. I've walked on the same eggshells to avoid conflict which only pleased him. You have purpose and intention behind your actions and I applaud you. The relationship has trained us to second guessing ourselves. That's why I thank God for this space. To help me see clearly. Thanks for sharing.