Just trying to hang on to the last threads of my sanity

[findingmypath]

Hi everyone.   My uPDH has been having some kind of rage cycle for the last month.  Highlight this week was threatening a neighbor with a shovel (he was working in the yard).   The neighbor called the police.   Of course, he downplayed the entire episode to the police ("I just asked her, please don't walk on the grass").  I wasn't actually at home for this incident, but I believe my neighbor. In his mind, he has probably already rewritten the entire incident and believes his own story. 

But my questions actually are around myself - am I normalizing this really awful behavior?  He behaves badly with me all the time.   He's always yelling, putting me down, complaining about me.   I usually try to MC or GR, and I definitely try to ignore it, but maybe I should pay more attention?  Or maybe I should hold him accountable?   The thing is, he'll rage at me, scream at me, tell me everything is my fault, and then ask me what I want for lunch.  It makes me feel crazy. 

I talked with the neighbor after the incident - he was horrible.   The way she talked made me feel really bad for her - she said she'd never felt more threatened in her 63 years.   But to talk to him, nothing happened.  I know she's telling the truth, but his complete denial makes me feel a little crazy.  Maybe it's just his total lack of empathy.

This isn't the only incident in the last few weeks, but it's the biggest one most recent (he's lost his mind a time or two since then). 

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this.  I guess I just spend time thinking, "is it really that bad?  Is this really abuse?  Or am I just a terrible communicator?   Or am I just unable to solve a problem"?).  I know, rationally, it's not me.  It's just that it's so crazy.  One minute he'll be screaming at me and our daughter, the next he's asking me what time is family dinner.   

[Poison Ivy]

Your husband's behavior sounds bad. I recommend that you think about things to do immediately (if necessary) to keep yourself safe.

[square]

That sounds scary, stressful, and confusing.

No, your goal is not to "hold him accountable" - that sounds neither safe nor even possible. He rewrote the neighbor incident in his head; there is no way he is going to take accountability just because you try to hold him to it.

You're already doing MC/GR. Are you beyond this point? You can't control or change him. Is the situation safe for you and your children?

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh! You have no idea how much I can relate to your story. You are married to a rager. And it seems you have abuse amnesia.

...I just spend time thinking, "is it really that bad?  Is this really abuse?  Or am I just a terrible communicator?  Or am I just unable to solve a problem"?)...

I used to have it big time, I think it helped me to remain in the situation.  Looking back, nothing I did or could have done would have changed his behaviour. But I could have learned much earlier to get up and remove myself from his presence when he began raging. Once I learned to do this, - at the beginning with trembling legs and terrified - I began to feel more in control of my existence.
I also recorded him on my phone during his rages. This helped me to remember. Because I used to go into a sort of freeze state, with my mind being numb and not really with it - dissociation is the term - during his rages.

I am so sorry you are living like this. I hope you have an outlet where you are with normal people who treat you normally.

[MaxedOut]

That is awful and brings up very familiar, queasy feelings for me.  I am sorry you are going through this and the added bonus of having to deal with his effect on others.

Part of what unstuck me and cleared the FOG for me was that sort of leakage to others with my ex, including yelling at the neighbors and me having to do harm reduction on that like being sent in her stead to talk to them and filing a city complaint instead of her going over to confront. There were a number of confrontations with strangers, with healthcare providers, with service reps, and even an arrest.

Feeling completely stressed anytime we were outside the house because something might go sideways was awful. AND it made me realize the stories I had been telling myself about the situation being physically safe for me at home unless she were in active psychosis were no longer on the same footing. Because her control was slipping in various settings (plus, it is just not OK to be behind-closed-doors abused! with things seemingly fine to outsiders).

The books Why Does he Do That, the Verbally Abusive Relationship, and Emotional Blackmail helped me see things more clearly and create more safety while we were still together.

[1footouttadefog]

I hope you get clarity about what is happening and how you need to proceed.  Be safe.