Quick rant

[cepnahu]

How are u supposed to cheer up your NPD parent? Family reunion, they all got into a fight, dad went out for work, mom is still mad. She wants to get away from grandma, she keeps talking about moving out and keeps asking me if i would move in with her and dad. When she's mad at anyone, she's mad at me, it's the law. Dad called, told me to try and cheer her up, u know, I'm "grown up and a woman, I should know how to do these things". Now the whole responsibility of their argument is on me, as usual. I'm scared to cheer her up in any way cause she will bite me, literally. There's no way to this without her involving me and start blaming me for not "standing up" for her in the argument, bla bla bla. How do i fix it? If i dont, then dad will get mad and blame me, there's no real way out of this.

[walking on broken glass]

I know it seems like there is no way out of this, but there is the third option, which no one in your family will ever tell you to take: stay out of it completely and let them deal with their problems. It's not your job to make anyone happy. It's certainly not your job to make your parents happy. Your dad doesn't want to deal with your mum because he knows she's volatile and puts the burden on you. This is wrong and is not what a parent should do. He is basically enabling her abuse. Do not engage with your mum and do not try to please your dad. They will just both have to live with you making your own decisions.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

This is a no-win situation for you! It's your mother's responsibility to manage her own emotions, thank you very much. This is classic scapegoating: "When she's mad at anyone, she's mad at me it's the law." When she is mad, dad goes right for the scapegoat. You.  And if it's not better, well then it's obviously your fault! Except, you aren't even part of the fight to begin with! It's insane but it's also so so familiar.

Jay Reid has a lot of videos about scapegoating dynamics and how to stop playing that role, as I recall.

[NarcKiddo]

Exactly what the others have said. It is not your job to manage their emotions and it never was.

[Rebel13]

I agree with everyone, cepnahu! Not your fault, not your problem. Easier said than done, though, right? I'd look through the articles in the Toolbox area. Right now, boundaries, the 3Cs, the 50% and 51% rule, and medium chill might be your very good friends. I hope you can protect yourself and get through it without too much stress and strife.

[moglow]

Lord have mercy. "cheer her up"?? DaFUQ?! Who cheers you up when you're struggling? Betting no one. She's grown just like you are - why is it not her responsibility to handle her feelings! Was it your argument? No. It's between THEM and there it should stay. No one else has to pick sides or cheer her up.

Sorry not sorry - she gets no coupons from me. 

My suggestion: Find other housing for yourself, quietly and without discussion or justification. Rent a room, get roommates or whatever it takes. Removing you from that mess will help you more than you can imagine. Baby steps!

[Call Me Cordelia]

You know who else is a grown up and a woman, dad?!?!?     

Sorry, I'll stop now.