A murder of crows

[Call Me Cordelia]

My DH has not seen his parents in several years. I've been NC for that time. His relationship with them is very very strained to say the least. He's okayish with his sister, they visit when he goes to her city for work a few times a year. MIL and FIL live thousands of miles from both their children.

Now: Repeat of a scenario that happened a couple of years ago, uPDMIL, uPDFIL, and SIL (non) will all be in the same city at the same time my DH will also be traveling there for work. Last time this happened, his parents stuffed their itinerary such that only a few hours were open to DH, right in the middle of his work day. Gee, too bad he's working... 

After that, MIL went a little loopy about not seeing him. She came by herself to our city, gave DH very little notice of this, but we opted to go out of town with our family rather than sit around for a lawn tantrum that may or may not come. That was about a year ago now. He has not spoken with his mother since.

Now, leading up to this potential family reunion... FIL calls up DH. It's been about a year here too. FIL says what MiL did was terrible. But he wants to get together for dinner with MIL, SIL, and DH. This is logistically possible but DH has not said yes or no. After that phone call, however, he is having concerns that his father is showing some signs of dementia. It does run in his family and he's wondered about it before.

But wait, there's more! Four other family members will also be in that same town, let's have a big family dinner! But if you want to see them you'll have to come in a day early.

Now, two of these are DH's aunt and uncle, with whom we used to consider ourselves reasonably close. They are one of our kids' godparents. But at the time I went NC that aunt shockingly had the hutzpah to demand I reach out to every single family member, in forgiveness (for what?), or my children and I lose the whole family. That is in fact what happened. Everybody, aunts uncles cousins SIL... all dropped us like a hot rock. Just left very tenuous connection to DH. This child made first communion this year and DH emailed them ahead of the event. Crickets.

Today auntie sends a hoover email to DH. So sorry I never replied! It wasn't deliberate! Uncle has had three types of cancer and my health has been poor too. But we're flying across the country and please do come to dinner. We so want to see you!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Anyway, I just reported the scenario here. DH is only considering seeing his parents and sister, not the bigger get together. He's open to my input but I am not going to tell him what to do. He would like to find out his own assessment of his father's mental state and it would be nice to know if he is still expected to hold POA and what that status is on his parents' end. They've always held the was the eldest's (his)responsibility. He's under no delusions of any meaningful reconciliation, but he does wish to see them at some point, and here is a chance to do so at extraordinarily little expense or inconvenience to himself. (H/t Mr. Bennett) He would not ever see them "behind my back" so this falls under the need-to-know clause of my being NC.

I need not sport with your intelligence by pointing out all the absurd things happening in this whole situation. I guess I would like some support for myself. Whatever happens it will be over soon but I still really hate how this stupid postmodern drama still plays in some corner of my life. I'd like to be detached and just live, but the grief and disappointment are coming up again. I need space for that and I guess it happens when I wake up in the night.

[countrygirl]

Hi Call Me Cordelia,

A murder of crows indeed! What an active flock!  Interaction with them is always fraught.   

However, I agree this is a good chance for your husband to do an assessment of your FIL.  Speaking as someone who had POA of a difficult father, I think it would be good for your DH to ascertain whether there is dementia.

I understand you waking up at night and worrying.  That's when the crows come home to roost, the thoughts about what's going on in your particular murder of crows. Often, dealing with  elderly family members is draining in "normal" relationships, but doubly so when they are people with whom you and/or your partner have gone NC.   

This is one of those times when "the only way around it is through it." I admire you for letting your husband reach his own decision, because ultimately he is the one whose parents these are--unfortunately for him, as well as for you, of course.

You are doing all the right things, but it is an upsetting situation.  It is natural that you feel as you do.

There is life on the other side of this, and  it's also possible to move through it without the night flock.  Tell yourself that you are good at drawing boundaries, because you have gone  NC.  For one thing, I wouldn't give the various aunts and uncles and other family members too much thought. They have brought any coolness you and your husband feel for them on themselves.  I had an aunt like this. She always sat in judgment of others. 

You write well, and you might find it helpful to write about some of your thoughts and feelings during this time, in addition to the writing you do here, of course. Might help free some of the tension and worry, and also might help you get some distance.   

It sounds to me as if you and your husband are good at drawing boundaries, so tell yourself that both you and he are able to decide when you might need to do that again.

I am sorry you are experiencing this.  It is a difficult stage of life, made more difficult by dealing with difficult people. 

[bloomie]

This has been a long journey for you and DH. I am another who applauds your wise stance that this is your DH's decision.  I also am grateful there is full disclosure between the two of you.

I need not sport with your intelligence by pointing out all the absurd things happening in this whole situation. I guess I would like some support for myself. Whatever happens it will be over soon but I still really hate how this stupid postmodern drama still plays in some corner of my life. I'd like to be detached and just live, but the grief and disappointment are coming up again. I need space for that and I guess it happens when I wake up in the night.

I do hope you will stay with yourself and process through the understandable grief and disappointment. This is unsettling and disruptive. The memories of the past terrible behaviors and treatment of you all by your in laws has to arise when there may have been just enough time between the last flare up for your nervous system to settle only to have your fil contact your DH again.

I agree, there is life on the other side of this because I am finally living there. But, there were more of similar types of intrusion and disruption of our stable, happy life that we went through with my own in laws than I care to think about, before we finally made it to the other side when there is still some necessary contact as there was in our case as well.

It will be over soon and we are here with you, for you, through the process!!!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't mean to sound flippant, Bloomie, but does "life on the other side" mean that the main characters in the Pd drama have gone on to their eternal reward?

Thank you both for the understanding and encouragement. It means a lot bearing a lonely burden.

[bloomie]

Oh, friend you do not sound flippant. Life on the other side = they have gone on to their eternal reward... AND... their estate has been settled with drama-bound sibling. Because DH was not ever able to go NC there was always something on the horizon. Always. I feel for you and your DH. It is quite a journey.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh gosh, the estate. I think we do have a very long journey ahead.

Whether by the intervention of Providence or of other fates and powers, my DH's work trip has been postponed. Until the next episoooooooode....

[bloomie]