Hearing from a a friend from whom I went NC years ago

[countrygirl]

Hi,

While replying to the extremely helpful replies I received about my "oppositional friend," I decided to post about a text I received from a NC friend.  I discussed this friend at length on this board some years ago, and found the information I received here very helpful.

While in the midst of going NC with this person, I received a text askimg me to reconsider withdrawing.  But I made it clear that I would not do that. It was very hard for me to withdraw in the first place, because it is my tendency to try to make things work, and I'd known this friend for a long time. As the years passed, she became increasingly difficult.  It's a complicated story, which I won't go into.  Suffice it to say, that my therapist told me that if I wasn't willing to break things off with her for my own good, that I should do so for the sake of my husband, my other friends who were sometimes here when she was, even for the good of my pets.

However, it is not as if this friend didn't have her good points.  She definitely did, and I miss certain things about her and have some fond memories, but the bad far outweighed the good with her.

Well, on Sat. night, at ten p.m., right after I'd settled into bed, I got a text.  Texts after nine at night disturb me, because they used to signal an issue with my elderly father, and now can issue a problem on some other fronts.  Imagine my surprise when I see a text from this friend.  She wrote she was just thinking about me that night, and was hoping I was doing well. This was followed by a heart emoji and her nickname, which she hasn't used for a really long time. 

I found this very disturbing, and even felt some guilt that I couldn't respond in kind.  But although I wish her well, I do not want her back in my life. In addition to feeling guilt, I felt fear. She is extremely aggressive, and I know from experience that if I respond, she wants to escalate to calling and then to visiting. 

I wonder how others feel when they receive "a blast from the past."   

[1footouttadefog]

Such blasts are nasty in that they bring alot of negative to the surface and our bodies respond to that stress.

I suppose it's both good and bad to realize how much is still lingering beneath the surface.  In this regard such shocks can bring opportunity to deal with a little more of it and attain additional healing. 


The abusers always seem to know just when to call, don't they. 

[countrygirl]

Hi 1footouttadefog,

Yes, they have impeccable timing... 

I agree that the body responds too.  Thanks for reminding me of this.  My stomach was bad, and I couldn't figure out why!  Now I know.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I was told by a psychologist, when someone is a boundary-pusher, even stalker, type, don't keep engaging to try to explain why you don't want to engage.   He said if I've told the person I don't want contact and they contact me, I should ignore it and continue to not have contact.  Maybe block the person.  If they don't get a reply, which is very reinforcing for them even if it's negative, they'll more quickly move on. 

[TimetoHeal]

I would block her number immediately.  It is upsetting just to get those texts. 

[countrygirl]

Hi Lookin 2 B Free and TimetoHeal,

And thank you for your replies.

I really don't know where to start to describe what's going on here!  Suffice it to say that this woman refuses to take medication for her BiPolar 1 condition, and we are now wondering if she was in the midst of a break when she sent that text. My husband thinks we should contact her sibling, but I don't want to have anything else to do with the situation. Yet I feel guilty for feeling this way!

I have always felt bad for her, but could no longer deal with the sense she creatd so frequently.  She is fortunate to have enough money that she could go and stay in a private clinic so that they could calibrate her medications exactly. Instead, she wreaks havoc on those around her, and really on her self too.   

[1footouttadefog]

I have found that I am replaceable.  I help a lot of people in a lot of ways.  However sometimes I have to say no or ot collides with something important to me.  I notice people always figure it out. 

[countrygirl]

Hi 1footouttadefog,

I actually chuckled when I read:  "I have found that I am replaceable."  I was pleased to be reminded of this.  And, you know, it is true when it comes to this friend too.  Even though she wouldn't get treatment, she still trundled along, and obviously has continued to do so since I went NC with her.

I told my husband that I would not be calling her sibling.  I just don't want the involvement.  Besides, we don't know if she is having an episode.   

Thank you!

[Catothecat]

Some years ago I made the mistake of responding to a reach-out like this.  I had gone two years of NC with a NPD friend when I got a voicemail message from someone saying they were trying to contact him re. a project he'd worked on and since I'd helped him with the project, my name was also attached.  This person wasn't having any luck so asked me to pass on the message.  Which I did because it was business, not personal.  About 6 months later I got the "reach-out" from the former friend who acted like over 2 years of NC had never happened.  My feelings of guilt about not explaining why I went NC were immediately reactivated although I also knew he would never understand any explanation had I given one, so I got briefly sucked back into his life.  He needed attention and was just using me to get it.  Then he moved away and I made no attempt to keep in touch.  He sent one e-mail which I ignored.  I knew if I didn't maintain the connection he would forget about me again, which is what happened.  He won't put in the work of pursuing a relationship that is of no benefit to him.  And over time my feelings of guilt morphed into, why am I the one feeling guilty here?!  It was ridiculous.

Anything you do outside of ignoring her can give her a reason to believe a connection is still there, and she's trying to manipulate you into responding.  Likely nothing good could come of it. 

[countrygirl]

Hi Catothecat!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with a "reach-out." I like that phrase for what happened, too.

I agree that my former friend is trying to manipulate me back into having a friendship with her.  And you are so right that nothing good would come of it.  It is too bad, because there are things I like about her, but years ago the bad outweighed the good and I was forced to recognize that.  It took me a long time to break away, and even the thought of going back frightens me.  I started having bad dreams last week.

Like you, I had guilt feelings when I ddi break away, and some of this was triggered when I heard from her.

[Catothecat]

Tiring, isn't it?  They mess with us and we're the ones who feel guilty!  We're the ones who have to deal with them when they come knocking on our door one more time.  We're the ones who feel the need to explain ourselves.  And do they do any of that?  In my experience, no, never. 

Getting such so-called friends out of my head even as they're physically out of my life is a trick I haven't yet mastered.  Why can't any of this be easy?!
 

[countrygirl]

Hi Catothecat,

Yes, it is tiring.  And, I agree, that they seldom--most often, never--seem to share any of the burden.  I don't think they feel guilt, because they don't believe they can ever do wrong.  I guess by "they" here, I mean primarily those with NPD:  They are perfect.  In fact, I think their largest problem with relationships is when others don't accept that they are perfect! 

The friend who did the reach-out loved to go out to brunch with us, but was always late, by at least half an hour, often by an hour, sometimes by one and a half hours.  Nothing that I said could get her to change.  Yet when someone was late meeting her, she would call and complain to me about them being late.  I assure you she was NOT doing this to mess with me:  She actually did NOT get the irony of her complaining to me about someone else being late to meet her!  Dealing with that alone was tiring and trying!  And that was minor in comparison to other things she did.

I guess we should be happy that we aren't them.  Her friendships never lasted.  When I had to pull away from her, she shouted at me that I knew another friend had dropped her the year before, that I knew that, but I withdrew anyway.  I did feel sorry for her, but I also thought:  WHY don't you ever wonder WHY people drop you?  Also, I felt the other friend was smarter than I was, because she bailed earlier!