Hello and request for advice - ex lover with suspected BPD

[spicygoat]

Hello! I'm a polyamorous woman married to a wonderful non-PD woman. I was in a two year relationship with a woman who my therapist suggested may have BPD. I read through the threads and saw a number of letters tagged on to BPD and NPD but I couldn't find a glossary. She does meet most of the 9 diagnostic criteria. We broke up just shy of two years ago after a pretty dramatic and difficult few months, with her yelling me that I didn't love her any more and she felt emotionally neglected. I find this very confusing because I was simultaneously asking for more time with her. I didn't want to break up though the last few months of the relationship were very stressful for me I did think that our issues could be resolved. Anyways, we broke up and she blocked me on everything but still kept in contact with my wife. They had a good, supportive platonic relationship for a good portion of our romantic relationship and so I'm happy that that continued for them. At the beginning of last month my ex reached out to congratulate me on finally getting pregnant. I was happy to hear from her and indicated I hoped we could start talking again. She wanted to immediately delve into our issues with minimal pleasantries. I felt like I was able to get some closure from our discussions but I did feel that I eventually had to set a boundary that I wouldn't continue to engage in rehashing our problems without some external assistance. She didn't push back and we've moved on to discussing how I would like to repair our relationship with the goal of being friends again, as we were best friends prior to entering into a romantic relationship.

It seems like her BPS is somewhat less severe than some of the other's that chosen folks have in their lives (if it's even an accurate assessment) but there was still a lot of endless crying and circular conversations as well as being a full blown alcoholic and chronic instability in her other personal relationships.

Has anyone else been similarly situated? Is there anything I can do to encourage her confirm/deny a diagnosis? I'm also open to any advice or relevant resources anyone would like to share.

[square]

Hi there,

I personally don't think any good is at all likely to come from suggesting a diagnosis in any way. It's tempting to see someone with maladaptive behavior and think to suggest they get help, but the reality is that being told "you're mentally ill, and the problem is you" doesn't go well with healthy individuals much less folks with BPD. And yes, that's how anyone would take it.

People with BPD are more likely to seek help than those with other Cluster B disorders, but they are not seeking help to improve how they treat other people. They are looking for emotional support.

Your role here is to practice good boundaries, whatever they may be. They might look like being kind but not being drawn into drama or into a rescuer role, or they might look like being cordial but protecting yourself, or they might look like deciding your life is more pleasant and stable without her. Boundaries are for you to live, not for you to announce to her.

The acronyms you saw might have included things like uBPDw (undiagnosed borderline personality disordered wife) or stbx (soon to be ex) or similar.

[spicygoat]

Thanks for your thoughtful response, @square.

[xredshoesx]

I think square is spot on with the boundaries idea

I am glad for you though that it seems like you are getting a little closure on the end of the romantic phase this relationship.  2 years is time to form some real attachments and I commend you on not letting the break up affect your wife's friendship with this person.

maybe some things you can do to encourage her to get some help are just drop generic suggestions about you see her struggling and want the best for her, maybe she should think about talking to someone about everything going on so she can get some outside perspective on it all - putting it out there without making it sound blame-y or accusatory. 

whatever you decide to do/ not do we are here for you!

[spicygoat]

Thank you, xredshoesx, for responding.

I did a lot of that generic suggesting during our relationship and she did try a few different therapists and modalities which did seem to help some with her general distress and other life/relationship issues as they came up. She was in a codependent/very unhealthy marriage at the time so that was quite the confounding factor.

Yes, I was (and still am) very attached to her, it was more than enough time to form a solid bond.

We're in a holding pattern at the moment - she said she didn't have the emotional capacity at the moment to address my hope of reviving our friendship and said she would get back to me this week. Thank you for the support and I will check back in as things evolve.