Sort of a sad celebration

[Liketheducks]

My youngest brother committed suicide a couple of christmases ago.  Navigating that with PD parents....HOW?   I'm pretty sure everyone here is superhuman.

Had an opportunity to spend the night nearby where he had lived.   Woke up early to visit his grave.   Last time I was there was his burial.  It was a blur.   Spent a few minutes breathing the air there, picking over grown grass from his headstone....and just being.   

It dawned on me....this was one of the few moments that I could hold space just on my own for my grief over his loss.   Not spending energy on my mom...or my dad....or anyone else.  I really miss him.   

My mom was living with him at the time of his death.  Our father abandoned us...then tried to come back...but blamed mom.  Between the two of them....they had so much of their own stuff to deal with that they couldn't work past that and be parents for us. 

My sad celebration was that I recognized the need to grieve on my own.   Without people around that I might be inclined to care for or "fix"...because I've been brought up to do all the fixing. 

I wish he was here..   He was the kindest of my FOO

[Rebel13]

This is a lovely sad story, liketheducks. Of course you wish your brother was still alive but I'm so glad you got a few moments of calm to really feel how much you miss him and take care of yourself in that regard. 

[walking on broken glass]

I am sending you big hugs, Like the ducks. I can recognize the feeling. I haven't been able so far to spend time by my father's grave on my own, and it has always felt there is someone else to think of or console, or something else to think about. I am glad you could take some moments to yourself and just be there. I know it's different stories but I miss my dad too.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you got to spend some time to grieve for him on your own.

Your post particularly resonates because I have just returned home from a trip to attend the funeral of a very young man who died by his own hand recently. He was a family member through marriage. I had met him but did not know him well. The funeral was full of emotion. I have been to many funerals over the years but never one where almost everyone was in tears the whole way through. Many had come to support the bereaved rather than through any particularly close ties to the deceased. But the emotion spread through the congregation in a quite remarkable way. What has made your post resonate is your feeling of being able to grieve without having to fix anyone else. That seemed to be the case for everyone at the funeral. We were all able to feel and express our emotions in public without any need to be fixed or to fixed. It was very therapeutic.

[bloomie]

Liketheducks - I just bet your brother was a beautiful soul. I imagine you there, at his graveside, returning to your own sense of loss and grief and staying with yourself this time and feeling what you need to feel, doing what you need to do as you miss him and mourn him.

[notrightinthehead]

 

You can still love him and keep the love for him in your heart. When I now think of people I loved and lost I remember the love between us and it makes me feel sad and warm.

[TimetoHeal]

I'm so glad you got the opportunity to do the very important task of grieving.  I am so sorry you lost your brother, but so thankful you had that kind of relationship with him and warm memories of him.