leaving dysfunctional fam (scapegoating abuse) & psychopathic predator

[ro-7777]

(content warning for CSA)

today for me is day 3 of no contact with my family of origin. i am feeling heartbroken, horrified, overwhelmed and numb at the same time. i got most of my messy fighting-with-myself venting out on reddit while i was attempting to break free from being "hoovered" back to my predatory abuser so i might seem little more clearheaded than i am in reality or would be able to articulate in person.

that being said, today i'm experiencing panic attacks, PTSD flashbacks, complex PTSD symptoms, and dissociation.

long story short about my abuse experiences, and sparing the gory details, my family groomed and abused me my entire life and i was so well groomed that i ended up in a relationship with a psychopathic predator for 6 years (maybe rather a hostage situation... pretty horrifying.) i got away from the psychopathic person 4.5 months ago and went full no contact with most of my entire family of origin. i only haven't blocked a few good cousins and one good sister in case they or i ever do need to reach out.

to live process a bit— i am not contacting this sister for her safety. i sense that she still needs to feel like part of a pack (though she did leave the country to get distance from the family she told me, recently).  she has never had her own family abuse experiences acknowledged 💔 and hasn't moved on or established a new pack. as her sibling i'm intuiting that her decision to not establish a new sense of belonging is a subconscious choice forced by many layers of grief, as i too feel. so i don't want to push her to heal or move on when she isn't ready or doesn't want to. i love her very much and will miss her and hope to see her in the future, somehow, but for now, i need to protect both her and myself and my true family. i don't want to compromise her by telling her too much info that she feels she is holding too many secrets, and i don't want to know more about the family or their lies as it is wholly retraumatizing. i cannot believe what they put me thru.

as i gain distance i get clearer and clearer on what was abuse, lies, and scapegoating. it felt clear to me today that i did not matter to a single one of my caretakers and that they actively harmed me starting in infancy and if i hadn't cut them off would have continued to use and abuse me for the rest of my life. it is even difficult for me to acknowledge my existence as i learned that existing=torture, so maybe my brain learned to believe i don't exist.

so needless to say, it was a day of intense PTSD and rest is not easy. both my psychopathic abuser and my family have conditioned me to not be able to rest, attacking my parasympathetic nervous system states including childhood rape in my sleep, spiritually targeted at dawn to keep my truth hidden, that i am two spirit or queer (i havent landed on the term that is appropriate for me yet), that i rise at dawn, it is natural for me. i carry wisdom of transition. they targeted specifically my throat. that's my truth.

that's my truth.

that's my truth.


i am angry.

i come from a collective culture (origins in VN) and i look up to collective cultures but for me it was misappropriated and used to keep me being a scapegoat/sacrifice. i don't really know what moving forward looks like but i'm so glad i'm out and i plan to take it one step or day at a time. my pacing will be able to mellow out soon when some logistical things (a truck home) pan out. 

the PTSD (specifically the emotional experience of horror and witnessing evil or letting yourself know that true evil was done to you, finally, and all at once) was extremely difficult to move through today but i am thankful for rebecca c. mandeville's work and what she shares on youtube, i am thankful for my mindfulness practice, i am thankful to my true family, i am thankful to however i got the h___ out of those situations, and i am thankful to this forum now.

i was spiritually abused and traumatized and am gay and grew up around some homophobia so i am still learning to walk the walk and talk the talk and find my own expression. but i am very glad i am not as suicidal as i used to be when i finally started feeling all of this pain.

i wanted to share also that patrick teahan's youtube video on "doing a family cut off" helped me see the pattern of recognizing abuse, "forgetful optimism" and getting "clobbered" or sabotaged every time i returned to the family fold.

it was and will always be devastating that my family began to silently reject me, and even retaliate when i began to speak my truth and seek emotional availability from them. i was so suicidal at the beginning of this, feeling all of the pain come crashing down on me. i've tried to get them to see me for 8 years now, to get them to not even acknowledge they did anything "wrong", i never sought blame, but just simply to help me while i was drowning. instead of that, many of those 8 years they were cheering on or helping the predator. so no, collective culture isn't gonna win for me when it means i get sacrificed. it was a lie. just because we come from a general collective culture does not mean we are or deserve to be stewards or that it is a healthy version. it's incidental even if i crave it, i have to leave my family.

i ended up getting a little more emotional and messy than i thought i'd get in my intro post. this is where i'm at today. thanks for reading

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi ro-7777, and welcome. Thanks for trusting us with part of your story. I wish you so much healing and peace. You're in good company here. We get it... I myself am 8 years NC with my FOO. My father is a classic Dark Triad type, and the rest of the family orbits around him.

Finding your true self when the self has been beaten down from your earliest childhood is such a journey. The abuse you experienced is horrific and I really pray you are able to maintain that safety and distance from your abusers. For the scapegoats among us (raises hand) we definitely learned it was safest to not really exist, or to conform utterly to our abuser's expectations. It was adaptive then, and it takes some major unlearning just to create the safe space for the true self to emerge. It is a lot of grief but there is joy to discover!

I relate also to having experienced my family cheering while I suffered and actively sabotaging me too. Yes, we crave relationships. It's human nature. These early days of getting free are so raw. I remember needing so much time alone but also desperately needing to connect with someone basically all the time to reassure me I was not crazy, that I was loved, that I was doing the right thing and would be okay. This forum is great, but are you able to have in-person support as well? A therapist was so key for me to have a safe boundaried relationship to work all this out in and not dumping it into my family life all the time, keeping that cleaner if that makes sense. My husband knew about it all of course and was key, but doing my own work and being able to leave it there while in fact life did go on was so helpful in moving out of that crisis mode and feeling safe for the first time, because I saw that this was important but not in fact a major emergency now. I had done the hardest thing in breaking free, and I hope that turns out to be true for you too. I look forward to supporting you.

[bloomie]

ro-7777 - adding another warm welcome to the community!

The need and deeply held desire to be heard, understood and believed is a human condition common to us all, but in the survivor of complex trauma, greatly blurred and amplified I have found. Believing me and returning to myself is a work in progress and may be life long, but as Cordelia says, there is joy and peace to be found as we travel forward. And the load is lighten when we journey together.

What you are doing, removing yourself from toxic and abusive behaviors toward you that are life long, is some of the bravest and most difficult work a person can do. I am so thankful you have reached out to the little band of fellow travelers who understand on a level I have yet to find elsewhere.

I look forward to supporting you and am thankful you are here!

[ro-7777]

thank you for the welcome. hope you and your husband are well. its good to know is possible.

thank you for the support and encouragement.