Another Exchange with Oppositional Friend: I Need to Stop Interacting!

[countrygirl]

Hi,

Well, the subject line says it all, but just had yet another oppositional interaction with my friend.  I learned here that there really is a specific oppositional disorder, and she certainly has it!  But, I must stop interacting with her, and that is MY issue.

At any rate, just two days ago she was telling me about her riding instructor, saying she'd noticed that none of this woman's students talked to her, that she never saw them interacting. 

As a horse person, I hate to say this, but sometimes horse people turn to horses because they don't do so well with people (and sometimes, it can also be because they are into control  I hasten to say that there are  lovely people in the profession, but sometimes it can take a while to find them!

At any rate, this morning, when my friend complained about the instructor, I reminded her that a lot of people turn to horses because they don't do so well with people. She replied that this woman was very personable, and that she interacted really well with others!  Well, yet again, I had my chance to agree with her, which I've wanted to try doing, but I was so struck with just having heard how no one interacted with the instructor that I reminded her of her telling me this only two days before!

Like nearly everyone, I have bigger issues than this to deal with in life, but I definitely allow myself to become annoyed with this person.  Also, and this is so obtuse, I keep being surprised by how oppositional she is--to the point of, in effect, contradicting what she has just said!  This proves that being oppositional is crucial to her.

[bloomie]

countrygirl - sometimes we are in a situation that makes it difficult to avoid the oppositional traits in another. I don't know if that is the case for you, but my heart does go out to you because it is a tough gig!

I learned a phrase and a couple of responses in similar situations from a communication expert Jefferson Fisher. When faced with an oppositional, know it all, argumentative, person whose statements and claims are contrary I have learned to say..."You may be right." or "That's odd." "I hadn't noticed." and drop the rope.

I have also learned to say nothing whatsoever, change the subject, use humor. And to choose very wisely and sparingly when/if/how I directly respond to what in essence is really annoying nonsense and contradictory statements... even back to back like you describe here.

I recently was at an event with someone I try to avoid and cannot always who could be your friend's twin. I was cornered, and I mean literally, as it was a ticketed event. It was an onslaught of the type of posturing you describe. It's hard to hold up under, that is for sure and I admittedly avoid this person as much as possible.

I realized I do not have the emotional energy with someone whose bids for superiority and attention are obvious and honestly, sad. I also find it hard to pinpoint exactly why this gets under my skin the way that it does because, unless this person is maligning someone - and she does if she gets the chance - I truly do not care what she says. 

Just offering a listening ear and some understanding with this!

[countrygirl]

Hi Bloomie,

Thank you for your reply.  And I like your signature quotation about boundaries being the container for the soul.  What a good image.

I was interested to hear that the communication expert recommends saying, "You may be right."  I have used "You are probably right" with this ODD person many times. 

I probably shouldn't say or feel this, but I feel sorry for this person. I know no one takes her seriously, for a number of reasons.  And so I have tried to be supportive. In some ways, I am sort of an outsider, so can understand how she must feel.  Unfortunately, she has not returned the respect I have given her, nor the fellow feeling. 

Life is not a Disney movie, unfortunately!  Generally, when you befriend the odd person they won't turn out to be a true blue friend.  This woman is filled with resentment of me, not that my life has been a bed of roses by any means, but primarily because I fit in, to some extent. Another friend, who has met this woman, has told me that he wanted to run away from her when he met her. Whenever I tell him about problems with her, he has said that he never would have come her friend.  But, unlike me, he didn't have a negative mother who he tried to save.

[bloomie]

countrygirl - I see the connection you mention here:

I probably shouldn't say or feel this, but I feel sorry for this person. I know no one takes her seriously, for a number of reasons.  And so I have tried to be supportive. In some ways, I am sort of an outsider, so can understand how she must feel.  Unfortunately, she has not returned the respect I have given her, nor the fellow feeling.

Your compassion and efforts to offer kindness and friendship to this person is admirable. I wish gratitude and growth could've come for her through it, but sadly it seems she is stuck. Thankfully, you are not!

[Call Me Cordelia]

"Generally, when you befriend the odd person they won't turn out to be a true blue friend."

Quoted for truth! I used to go for the odd people because I lacked the confidence to approach the normal people and believed that I too was an odd duck, so I'd best set my sights lower. And then I lamented not having any friends who were able to be true friends.

[notrightinthehead]

 I used to go for the odd people because I lacked the confidence to approach the normal people and believed that I too was an odd duck, so I'd best set my sights lower. And then I lamented not having any friends who were able to be true friends.

 

Gosh, that resonates so much with me! I guess that's a statement many on this forum can relate to. Fortunately with growth and healing we can change.

[countrygirl]

It is true that when I befriend difficult people I expect them to behave normally.  This is what I always did with my parents, especially my mother:  Expected them to treat me normally, when they seldom did.  My father was a more normal person than my mother, and that may have "saved" me, because I've also had and have good friends.  One of those good friends refers to my difficult friends as my "psycosociables."  He wouldn't put up with any of them for a minute.  The sad fact is that I have wasted a lot of time and energy on them. 

In one way, I feel bad for saying I have wasted time and energy, because it's not as if these people don't have good characteristics, and I've shared some good times with them.  But so much of my interacting with them has been hurtful for me, which is why I'm writing about that pain here.  As they say, you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. One thing I can do, and one thing this forum helps us learn, is not to keep choosing those who can't give back to us.

[Call Me Cordelia]

This is hitting the spot for me today, thank you. Within a particular set of relationships I have come to finally accept my own better judgement, that a certain couple of people in my life simply don't and won't give back anymore. It's clear they have their own agenda and their own public image/self-image to cultivate by means of other relationships, and in their estimation I am not worth the effort. I really think I'm just not good supply anymore and no longer participate in codependency. So while it hurts... it feels good to think that maybe I've outgrown another level of nonsense!

[countrygirl]

It's great, Call Me Cordelia, that you have come to "accept (your) own better judgment" when it comes to people.  I know exactly what you mean, because far too often I have tried telling myself that my own perceptions about others must be off, that they can't be as cold and withholding as I think they are. Almost always, I realize I should have trusted my initial perceptions.

I like what you say about realizing you're no longer supply.  That is fantastic. I'm still working on it...