Enmeshed family members wreak havoc on my marriage

[Greyrock1076]

My husband and I have been married for a few years now. It became glaringly apparent to me 2-3 years in that he is enmeshed with this mother, who I believe is Narcissistic. She loves to stir the pot and create drama in other's interpersonal relationships. To have a relationship with my MIL is to invite conflict into your life. She loves to triangulate. Early on, my husband would confide details about our marriage (disagreements) to my MIL. She would align with my husband and work to drive a wedge between us - her aim was always to maintain the #1 spot in my husband's life and to maintain control. When we had our first child together, things got really bad between my husband and I when I was reluctant to give my MIL unfettered access to our baby on HER TERMS. I simply did not trust her and she overstepped every boundary I tried to set when it came to caretaking. She began creating conflict between my husband and I about parenting styles, etc. and caused a lot of pain in the process.

Fast forward...several years into the marriage we faithfully attend couple's counseling. Our kid is a toddler now. My husband also exhibits characteristics of NPD, but over time responded well to therapy. Our therapist was able to open my husband's eyes to the dysfunction and toxicity within his family system. He set appropriate boundaries with his enmeshed family members, prioritized his nuclear family, and even went VLC for a period of about a 1-1.5 years. Our marriage drastically improved, we argued less, and began functioning as a united front for the first time. Since then, my MIL has not asked to see our child since 2023 and never asks questions about his wellbeing, etc. She continues to have superficial communication with my husband via text, but has not made arrangements to see him in person either since 2023. Classic discard in my opinion.

The kicker - my MIL befriended my husband's ex-wife (who she admittedly cannot stand, shocker!) to continue having access to her granddaughter from the previous marriage. This sickens my husband because his marriage ended traumatically with an affair. The "friendship" is a means to an end to see the granddaughter, and the former wife clearly lacks self-respect to let someone like my MIL back into her life after all of the horrible things that were said and done over the years. Our couple's therapist also thinks it's an "F you" to my husband and me because the relationship did not re-emerge until after we set boundaries with my MIL. Of course, it is the ex-wife and my MIL against my husband and me.

My husband has recently back slid into those hurtful NPD behaviors. Raging, blame shifting, projecting, you name it. In a recent argument, he threatened to take our kid to visit my MIL. Our therapist warned against this due to the potential emotional and psychological harm it could cause our child. It seems my husband is on a mission to "fix" his relationship with his enmeshed family members despite acknowledging how much healthier and happier he has been since going VLC this past year, year and a half. I should note, he has worked tirelessly to mend the ruptured relationship this past year, even inviting his family to therapy, and they refuse to participate. I am distraught by his threat because I want nothing more than to protect our child from his family's dysfunction.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome, GreyRock.  I'm glad you found us and so sorry for the very stressful circumstances which bring you here.  I take it from your name you are familiar with our tools.  Perhaps you've perused them or discovered some of them elsewhere.  It's a good place to start.  I also found reading through old and new postings on the Forum to be helpful when I was new.

MIL's behavior sounds appallingly familiar.  I guess it's having the desired effect of causing intense pain and reactivity in your husband and affecting your marriage. 

Your couple's counselor sounds pretty clued in to PD dynamics.  Does she have suggestions for how you can best handle what's going on at home?  Have you tried using the tools recommended here with your husband?

My inclination with dysfunctional family stuff is to stay away from trying to talk "sense" into someone when it comes to their feelings, beliefs, & desires about a third family member.  It seems to lead to the person digging their heels in more and things start feeling adversarial. That's just been my experience and it may have nothing to do with yours.  Of course it's very distressing to see our close loved ones being manipulated by a PD; I've been there.  It must be incredibly frustrating to have had 1+ yrs of peace around this only to be disrupted by this latest chapter.

I'm glad you have your child's best interests at heart.  That's what's most important.  Hopefully your husband will continue to be willing to do the couple's counseling and you'll find some common ground.  Meanwhile, keep letting us know how you're doing.  There a caring group of people here who do understand.

[bloomie]

Greyrock1076 - welcome! I sense the pain of this in your post and I am so sorry for the high conflict, divisive behaviors of your mil and the confusion and disruption they bring into your life and your marriage. I am thankful you joined us and hope you will share more as you are able and allow us to support you and encourage you. You are not alone!

One fundamental truth is that the only thing we can control, cure, change, is ourselves. And when we are responsible for an innocent child... protect them - as you are doing from anyone who is not healthy enough to love and respect their parents or would possibly use them as a pawn. Well done!

So, the question becomes.. what is yours to do? In all of this, what can you control, change, manage differently?

It seems like though your mil is not physically in the picture she is still very much alive and well in your day to day as the specter of her destructive behaviors and the impact they have you your DH looms large. I've been in a similar spot and that is not a peaceful way to live.

Would it be helpful for your DH and you to have some separate sessions alongside of your joint sessions? Do you have a circle of support around you - close trusted friends, a mentor... that type of thing?

Part of my own recovery from the cycle, or dance, I was caught up in with my own DH and his high conflict, "I was here first" family members was developing resources and a support system for myself. Out of the FOG has been a godsend for me and a critical part of my growing in understanding and wisdom. You've found a place where others understand on a level that is unique and empowering. Keep coming back! It helps to ease a heavy load and lift a heavy heart!

[Greyrock1076]

Thank you both for your insight and perspective. It is helpful and I took some important points away from it. What a relief it is to be with others who truly "get it." No progress, or changes, have been made on the matter yet. Our next couple's counseling session is later this month and I anticipate the issue will be brought back up then.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi and welcome,

This is so hard. I'm NC with my FOO and ILs after years of trying to get something healthy going, especially with the ILs.

Ideally your husband would get himself Out of the FOG, which would involve seeing his parents clearly, seeing them as emotionally stunted people.

This process can take years and sadly, most people with parents like his, don't get Out of the FOG. You sound really informed already on the dynamics and the need to protect your kids from manipulative people. I share that, I moved mountains in my own life to make sure my child doesn't grow up with the emotional abuse I grew up with.

Your MILs discarding of people is just so damaging to kids, as I am sure you know. Hopefully your therapist can get through to your husband, to find out what he is thinking. He will need to realize he can't fix his mother. Lindsay Gibson PhD calls that a healing fantasy and it is common for us with emotionally immature parents to try to fix them and have a healthy relationship with their disorder. Which is impossible.

I'm glad you found us.

Trees

[Maz]

My husband and I have been married for a few years now. It became glaringly apparent to me 2-3 years in that he is enmeshed with this mother, who I believe is Narcissistic. She loves to stir the pot and create drama in other's interpersonal relationships. To have a relationship with my MIL is to invite conflict into your life. She loves to triangulate. Early on, my husband would confide details about our marriage (disagreements) to my MIL. She would align with my husband and work to drive a wedge between us - her aim was always to maintain the #1 spot in my husband's life and to maintain control. When we had our first child together, things got really bad between my husband and I when I was reluctant to give my MIL unfettered access to our baby on HER TERMS. I simply did not trust her and she overstepped every boundary I tried to set when it came to caretaking. She began creating conflict between my husband and I about parenting styles, etc. and caused a lot of pain in the process.

Fast forward...several years into the marriage we faithfully attend couple's counseling. Our kid is a toddler now. My husband also exhibits characteristics of NPD, but over time responded well to therapy. Our therapist was able to open my husband's eyes to the dysfunction and toxicity within his family system. He set appropriate boundaries with his enmeshed family members, prioritized his nuclear family, and even went VLC for a period of about a 1-1.5 years. Our marriage drastically improved, we argued less, and began functioning as a united front for the first time. Since then, my MIL has not asked to see our child since 2023 and never asks questions about his wellbeing, etc. She continues to have superficial communication with my husband via text, but has not made arrangements to see him in person either since 2023. Classic discard in my opinion.

The kicker - my MIL befriended my husband's ex-wife (who she admittedly cannot stand, shocker!) to continue having access to her granddaughter from the previous marriage. This sickens my husband because his marriage ended traumatically with an affair. The "friendship" is a means to an end to see the granddaughter, and the former wife clearly lacks self-respect to let someone like my MIL back into her life after all of the horrible things that were said and done over the years. Our couple's therapist also thinks it's an "F you" to my husband and me because the relationship did not re-emerge until after we set boundaries with my MIL. Of course, it is the ex-wife and my MIL against my husband and me.

My husband has recently back slid into those hurtful NPD behaviors. Raging, blame shifting, projecting, you name it. In a recent argument, he threatened to take our kid to visit my MIL. Our therapist warned against this due to the potential emotional and psychological harm it could cause our child. It seems my husband is on a mission to "fix" his relationship with his enmeshed family members despite acknowledging how much healthier and happier he has been since going VLC this past year, year and a half. I should note, he has worked tirelessly to mend the ruptured relationship this past year, even inviting his family to therapy, and they refuse to participate. I am distraught by his threat because I want nothing more than to protect our child from his family's dysfunction.

Hey Geyrock1076,

It sounds like you've been through a lot. This must be really difficult with children too.

Were you together long before you were married?

I only ask because I found my now husband's family really hard to work through.

We were together 12 years before we married. My husband has changed through that time and he is now no contact with his cnfather and his controlling step mother.

In our situation he had to realise the impact they were having on the course of his life.

They influenced so much of our decisions and even then they still complained. Therapy really helped him change as it's a third party with an independent opinion.

I would recommend therapy from the experience it had on our situation.

Hope things start to improve for you.