Phobia king

[Juju]

My partner and I had our first big fight since we got back together, I guess I insulted him because I needed a ride outside of his comfort zone.  I said that I had a partner that can't drive me anywhere like the airport train any different area in the city.  Well he goes into a eye roll and a face like omg I can't believe you said that to me! He proceeded to rant and rave about my stupid family, you drink too much you I put up with you treating me like shit.  Which I don't I take care of him, he can't even boil water.  I am feeling irritated lately because his phobias drive me nuts but I haven't said anything about them because I thought I accepted him, which I do there are many things I love about him and I know I love him but I sometimes get upset and think why can't he just do something and I think what a wimp and I think man up, is there anyone out there who suffers like this? I believe he is too old to change and also will not get help.
I have suffered anxiety in my life too pretty bad when I was younger actually but changed when I got older. Just venting I guess and hoping to understand this better.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Juju.  It sounds like you're at the end of your rope or close to getting there. 

I didn't leave my ex (whom I loved but couldn't abide the PD behavior) until I felt convinced he would never change. That took a while as he would go through phases where he'd be willing to seek therapy.  Nothing anyone ever did made a difference though, due, i believe, to the PD.  He couldn't stick with therapy or anything that necessitated self-examination. 

Giving up hope that someone will change, or any idea that they owe it to us to try (leaving us wanting to collect on what they owe us), was my solution to getting unstuck.  For me, wanting to understand him was about me wanting to find the key to how I could get him to change. 

Doesn't he want to change?  How could he not want to when it would obviously make him so much happier and allow our relationship to improve?  I don't know if he knows the answers to that, and I can only guess at it.  I don't think it matters as he obviously didn't want to go to the lengths it would have taken to  change. I wasn't okay with going on forever like things had been, so I left.

It sounds like things have gotten to a point where you sometimes feel disgust at his problem.  Is there anyone you can work with to help you on your end? 

[Juju]

thank you, but no there is really no one who can help me, my sons like him but also don't understand his phobias and feel like "what is wrong with you Mom for putting up with this"! My old Auntie felt sad for me that my partner could not enjoy doing things with me!  I feel like this is my 2nd go around and I have to make it work, I'll just do things with friends family or alone, this is what I tell myself but it is hard.  I don''t admire these things about him in fact it angers me and feel like "why the hell didn't you deal with this years ago, your poor dead wife never went on a holiday your children never got to do anything either because of you." 
You are so right with everything you say!

[capybara]

> I feel like this is my 2nd go round and I have to make it work

This is an opinion, not a fact! It's ok if it doesn't work this time. Maybe you can journal or pray or take some time for yourself and consider why you are putting pressure on yourself to stay. I'm not telling you what to do, it's just good to understand our own motivations. It can definitely be more fun to think about the other person's motivations than our own!

[Juju]

yes your are right ... time for my own self reflection and understanding myself better, I do believe it is because my husband died after 35 years of marriage, then my support system and best friend "my Mom".  I tried to live on my own for the year we broke up but I felt so alone and had no one to support me, really care about me then he came back into my life and took me to my appointments helped me renovate seemed to care and help me so much I decided to give it another go!  I knew what I was getting back into as I told him i had to have my freedom to do whatever without him trying to stop me and also maintain my independence to travel, he has kept his end of the bargain but I still find it hard to do everything on my own when I'm supposed to be in a committeeed relationship or just to do normal things like other couples do.

[Deby64]

Juju, I can so relate to your thoughts, feelings and where you are at. I left my updh 3 weeks ago after 42 years of marriage. I too live this man and it was hard to put myself first and love me. I started with saying positive affirmations to remind myself I deserved better. I had to take my focus off him and his behavior and look at the woman in the mirror to see why I stayed. Part of it was hope, that one day the scales would fall off his eyes and he would see the need to change. What I realized was I was blocking/enabling his ability to change by not allowing him to feel the consequences of his behavior. I began to focus on what I could change which was me and my attitude. It took sometime for me to accept that he is incapable of changing. I moved Out of the FOG into the sin light of the Spirit and began to trust the process of detaching from him with love. I had to forgive myself for staying and playing God. Today the stress and anxiety are much lower as I live apart from him and have limited contact and respond with MC when he reaches out to bait me back into our unhealthy marriage where all issues were my fault. Continue to vent here, with those of us that truly understand. This space helped me with the courage to change🙏🏾

[Juju]

Thank you Deby64 you are so right, I know that I am afraid of being alone especially since I will be turning 70 this year!  I do what I want but I do realize that I hold back a lot because of him!  I think I would see a lot more of my family if not for him, as he hates my DIL and will not go with me to their house. I feel bad for him as he has put himself into a lot of debt that he is trying to crawl out of, I know this is not my problem but he will not take any help and is pretty fair and diplomatic about money issues since I have money from my previous marriage.  I still feel trapped sometimes though even though I can travel and do what I want but it is hard when he fusses about it, even though he is phobic about everything and will not even go into another area with me, my old Aunt would like to see him but he will not come with me to see her.  It is Hard!