Financial trauma (s)

[mary_poppins]

I'm trying to understand how financial trauma is connected to the emotional trauma I've experienced by the hands of my NPD parents. I have researched a bit and it seems that many people have big issues regarding money. We all need to spend and manage money every day so I think, if we had traumas regarding this aspect, we'll have to deal with the aftermath daily.

Back when I was living with NPD family as a child, teen and adult, there was a lot of financial anxiety in our house. Both my parents were extremely frugal (my dad never bought himself a coat or shoes, he'd wear very old garments which looked poor and unkept-to this day, my dad looks poor although he may have more money now; he never spends money, except on alcohol-he's an alcoholic); my mom rarely bought me and my bothers' clothes, hygiene products and necessities. I remember how horrified I was as a child to go to school with my hair unwashed because there was no shampoo at home to wash myself with. I'd wear one set of clothes only and one pair of shoes. This lasted my entire school and highschool.

When I started earning money, I'd buy myself expensive things like leather boots, jackets and pullovers.
However, moving abroad led to me having to pay expensive rents (everywhere you go in Western Europe rent is expensive) which took a huge chunk of my small paycheck.

My jobs abroad were low-paying jobs, most of them in healthcare. They were minimum wage, especially when I was a student and had less experience. Anyway, I continued this 'habit' of not spending money on myself, because I think I've seen my dad do it all his life (mom as well but she was a bit better at spending-she was the one in charge of paying all bills and debts and buying everything for the house). Subconsciously it feels comfortable to 'hoard' money and just leave there.

When I need to spend something now, I always ask myself if it's worth it (even when I buy food!!) or could I live without it? Do I really need it?

Anyway, most of the fears I have now re:spending money or managing money are perhaps from the years spent with PD mom and dad; I remember that when I was at home without a job, I had to be on zero euros a month. That meant no phone bills, no money for hygiene products or cosmetics, I'd have to take a bus everywhere or just walk and if I had a health problem, I'd wish it went away.

NPD mom never cared about my situation-if she did helped me financially, it was so she could use that help to guilt me into keeping contact)-one time she gave me a small sum every month for a few months until I got a job. That was the only financial help I received from her. The other times she helped me was considered a loan. Dad was worse. He'd give me 4 or 5 euros a month to buy coffee when I was living with them.

The worst thing was that there was not enough food in the house so I didn't have enough to eat for years. Sometimes mom told me to eat her leftover food (she eats pork and I don't) or she'd cook pork meals for me as well and force me to eat that (I wouldn't). I think mom made sure I didn't have enough money to eat or buy the necessary things (eg shampoo, deodorant..) to have someone to make fun of.

When I'd ask her about jobs in the city she'd promise she would ask around but of course, she didn't.

Now I am no contact and no longer in touch with them but I'm still reeling from how they've treated me.
Oh, my brothers, the golden kids would often receive money and gifts-that was something I didn't like to witness but..you do when you're living with them.

The scapegoat is truly hated and made fun of in such a family. I didn't believe it until I experienced it on my skin.

Anyway, now I am terrified to spend money because of the stuff that happened to me. I feel like the money is always limited or given just a little, for survival, that in order to make some you need to break your back or do hard jobs. It doesn't matter if I have a job, I'm still terrified of going to the shop and take out my bank card to pay. I also never spend money on things that are not necessary.

I'm currently searching for a financial therapist but they are hard to get here where I live. I found one so let's see how it will be when we meet.

Sorry for the long post. Anyone else had these financial traumas caused by PD family? Did you actually heal or is it a life-long process?

ps: I'm always thinking of money, mostly in a negative way. It is creating a lot of anxoety and I wish it just goes away.

[bloomie]

mary_poppins - what a nightmare this has been for you! It just breaks my heart to think of you needing food, clothing, health care, etc., and those you were entrusted to and in a position to care for you didn't. 

Healing and finding balance in financial decisions when you have been financially abused, taken advantage of, mocked, experienced withholding and those in a position of power putting you in a bind and having to request money for basic needs is traumatizing indeed and healing is hard.

[walking on broken glass]

Mary Poppins, I am so sorry you went through that. The way your parents treated you both as a little child and as an adult is horrific. I am so glad you got away from them and have a job and independence now.

A good friend experienced financial trauma as a child and she had trouble spending money as an adult, just like you. She had therapy which helped her a lot. She is still not super relaxed about money and she tends to feel bad when spending money on herself but she has made huge progress from how she was a few years ago. I didn't know that financial therapists existed – she had psychoanalytic psychotherapy – but I am glad they do and I am sure they will help you.

I didn't experience something like that myself but my parents were very controlling in all sorts of ways and I never had pocket money as a child/teen. Their idea of financial management was 'whenever you want something, you just ask, and we will give you the money for it', which of course meant that they kept tabs on what I would want to buy. I did have a bit of leeway in the sense that there was a specific place where the money was held and I could help myself to it, but I could only get away with small sums or they would be suspicious. I got into the habit of keeping the change whenever they sent me to buy groceries etc. Even when I was given money by older relatives, my dad would insist it is put in my bank account, and I didn't have the chance to keep it and spend it as I wished. Sometimes I insisted on keeping some of it, and my parents would joke how I couldn't be trusted with money and how they couldn't really give me any because I was bound to spend it immediately. As a teenager, I went through a phase for a few weeks when I would go to a jewellery shop I liked, buy small things for myself and keep them hidden: it felt like an act of rebellion but I also felt guilty, as if I were doing something wrong, and bad for spending money on things I didn't really need. Even when I became an adult, I didn't have my own pocket money, as I studied at home and my parents would still finance my everyday needs (I didn't have to pay fees for the university so it was just living expenses). I was jealous of my friends who were given a monthly sum by their parents and had the freedom to do with it as they pleased. Back then it wasn't very common to work while studying, especially if your parents could afford to pay for you, so it never actually occurred to me that I could get a job. I just focused on my studies. My mum in particular was very strict about spending money, and even as an adult, when I would buy clothes or something like that, I would remove the price tags and lie to her about how much it cost because she would throw a fit over the price (even the false price!). There were a few times when I went out and she gave me spending money, which wasn't enough for a coffee or a drink or just about enough. She wasn't sociable herself, never went out with friends and thought spending money on coffee, food, and drinks was frivolous. Thankfully my dad was not like that and he was always generous with me, even though he still liked to have the control.

So I wasn't financially abused, as I knew I could count on my parents if I needed help and they didn't ever deny me financial aid, but their financial management left me dependent on them a lot and did not allow me to develop good skills at managing my own finances. When I got my first job, I was so ecstatic that I didn't really set money aside and spent a lot without thinking. Even now I think that I am a bit lost when it comes to calculating and balancing incomings and outgoings, and my precarious job situation hasn't helped my adulting! Come to think of it, I don't think it was accidental that one of my ex boyfriends was financially abusive with me (I kept lending him money which he never returned to me).

[Rebel13]

Disordered people love to use money to control others. It's just another tool in their toolbox. mary_poppins, you give a good example of this in how your parents treated you and your brothers differently when it came to money. In my case, my mother espoused certain values about money and applied them to me and my brother, and to some extent to my father, but not to herself. These kinds of contradictions are crazy-making and, as you're finding out, take years to overcome. I really hope the therapy helps and I'd love to hear more about what topics the therapist discusses, any interesting concepts or exercises that come up, if you feel like sharing in the future.

[Poison Ivy]

I have enough money but I often feel as though I don't. I think this has to do with being married for more than three decades to a person who (1) valued money, (2) cheated on our taxes, (3) was not generous with other people, and (4) was out of work for many years of our marriage. I learned that I couldn't count on my spouse to provide financial support and I also learned that our attitudes about money were different. I don't cheat, I don't break the law, and I try to help other people while making sure I have enough to take care of myself now and in the future.

[JustKeepTrying]

Goodness my heart is breaking with all the trauma from your childhood. I so admire you now and breaking free from horrific situation.

I don't think we talk enough about financial abuse. And the trauma that results. It goes to our very sense of security. And the gaslighting from it can really do a number.

My xNPh is a CPA. I was convinced that the expense of treating my cancer put our family at risk - like any month we could be homeless. I had to account for literally every penny. He found a receipt in our garbage (Yes he went through the garbage) for a banana - it was 24 cents - and would't talk to me for weeks because I didn't share the receipt with him.

When we divorced it was only by chance - a pure fluke - that I found another 401K with substantial money in it. I found accounts stashed all over three states with small enough amounts that wouldn't be reported to the IRS.

The result is that I struggle spending money. I second guess what I spend it on - and it has been six years and I am in therapy. It years before I could take myself out to dinner and not feel guilty that I spent 20 bucks on a meal and a beer.

My current partner is also a CPA. We talk a great deal about money. He is frugal - but he doesn't begrudge me spending my own money. It's my money he says and I can do what I wish. It has helped me heal and feel okay about it.

That being said I do have a financial advisor to keep an eye on it and ensure that I have enough for the rest of my life.

I budget carefully. I review monthly - if not weekly by budget and I use apps and spreadsheets to account for it. There are months that I am over and months I am under. But in the end, I come out okay and that is what is important. I haven't had to borrow and I haven't starved.

It took time though and therapy to get comfortable there. And yes as stated before, my ex did use money to control. This is an area that I grieve because I let him.

[SeaBreeze]

I've posted on here before about my experiences with financial abuse. Grew up handing any money I was given or earned to my mother to pay bills. First husband stayed unemployed or under-employed and blew any extra money on himself while I kept the kids clothed and fed on a dime while I did without. Second husband was a very responsible, well-paid provider but because of that he was The Boss of the house and of me. I've battled a lifetime of issues both with spending and not spending money. I'm finally at a good place now but that inner voice still nags me sometimes that I don't deserve a small treat now and then. Or actually panicking at extra money because what bill did I forget to pay?! Lol sigh  While I learned how to budget in my first marriage as far as daily expenses, more recentky reading books aimed at women on budgeting, investing, and finances in general proved helpful, such as negotiating salary at my current job. Learning that it's ok to save, and that it's ok to spend, if that makes any sense!