Change is possible

[bat123]

It's been a few years since I've posted here.  I know many people stay stuck in these relationships for years and feel like nothing changes.  If you are feeling low and stuck, please know change is possible— even if you don't leave.  I've stayed in a long term  relationship with someone very high in narcissistic traits.  The relationship isn't all bad—which is why I'm still in it.  But there's a lot of criticism, blame, gaslighting and manipulation.  There's been cruelty, and terrible invasions of my privacy.  It's often unhealthy.  For years I tortured myself with trying to diagnose him, trying to understand what was happening, and flip flopping between staying and leaving.  But after years of therapy and years of trying to heal from my own trauma, I've realized the key is to trust in my own voice.  If my significant other is criticizing me and blaming me, and having a tantrum, I've FINALLY realized that I simply don't have to respond.  It's absolutely freeing.  I don't need to argue, defend myself, or convince him he's being unfair.  I can just shrug my shoulders.  I can just go for a walk.  I can call a friend.  I can watch a show.  And later, if he's being more reasonable, I can try to reconnect with him.  Or not. Once you realize that you are allowed to trust your own intuition of what is right and wrong, what is healthy and not healthy—-then you stop torturing yourself.  Most of us are in these relationships because we learned from childhood to turn off of own needs and help our caregivers regulate themselves. Learning to value your own needs and your own voice is the only path to freedom.  I don't need to read any more articles or watch any more videos on NPD.  When my husband greets me at the door screaming at me because I didn't get home in time to help him with the yard work, no further reading is required.  He's got the problem, not me. Years ago I would bent over backwards to calm him down and smooth things over. Now, I no long defend myself.  I disconnect from him until he's over it.  Period.  This may eventually result in a full deterioration of the relationship—time will tell.  But in the meantime, I feel that I've finally cracked the code.  My life is not perfect, but I love myself and I will continue to take care of myself. Everyone's on their own journey, and it can be long and painful.  THEY are unlikely to change, but if YOU change, you can find some peace.  (I will caveat this by saying if you are facing physical or sexual violence you really need to protect yourself by leaving).  I hope this can be of help and support to someone out there.

[MaxedOut]

This is a great summary and so glad you have been able to create boundaries, reconnect with your inner voice and values, etc. I liked Dr Ramani's book about creating these things within or away from the relationship. I did a fair amount of it from within my marriage and was able to find more peace and see a much smaller set of much more important things that were really the crux of staying or leaving. In the end I think doing much of what you mention did destabilize things and the few critical ones were simply not in the cards, for better or worse. 

But, and I can't emphasize this enough, the process was invaluable as I could think clearly within the relationship and after separation (which made for zero temptation to return and gave me a firm footing to respond to disregulation without getting swept up in it - mostly BIFF style). And I think that is the key to the tools, to Dr. Ramani's advice, etc. - whatever the outcome, these things help tremendously (and many are skills that help in other relationships).