Anxiety….

[Liketheducks]

I'm recognizing that I'm more than a little anxious about a couple of things.    All I want is to find a place to book a holiday, far away from home.  And, also I'd love to have a peaceful holiday in my own house without feeling obligated to invite my mom (who hasn't spoken to me in six months, beyond a 5 word text).    For the upcoming holidays...I know my mother would be expecting a call about now with an invite.  If I wait much longer, I'll get dinged for it being a last minute decision.   

I'm reluctant to make the call to check on her.  I'm not sure how much of myself I'm willing to sacrifice for someone who really doesn't seem to want a relationship with me, unless it is one that involves me managing the emotional labor of it all. 

I'm also more than anxious about the upcoming cuts in benefits here in the US.  She's made no provisions for herself.  She depends on these benefits.    I find myself asking myself what I should be doing??  My FOC has always been expected to act as "bank" for my estranged family.  I look at my husband's parents, who are also infirm, but made or were able to make much different choices for their own old age and retirement.   

She discards me, but expects me to maintain a relationship.  I want her to have dignity as she ages, but falling back into that role that I know she wants of me....just isn't me anymore.    If I'm struggling picking up the phone for a holiday meal, how do I handle caring for her when the time comes.  Spiraling a bit.

[HeadAboveWater]

It's been a while since I've logged in, let alone responded to posts. However, your post resonated with me. I want to validate that the holidays are hard. They come with extra servings of feelings of obligation and guilt.

You do not need anyone's permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you want a holiday away, that's a perfectly acceptable thing to want for yourself. An acquaintance of mine who has difficult relationships with both his/her birth parents and in-laws started traveling every year at Christmas. It is his new tradition. The travel gives this person something to look forward to and positive memories. It also makes him physically unavailable to birth parents and in-laws who were less-than-pleasant during past holidays. It inspired me to do the same a couple of years back. I had a magical time traveling somewhere special to me and indulging in my hobbies. The joy and absence of angst helped me to leave any guilt behind. I also saw that the family members I "left behind" were no worse off for my absence. After all, their happiness (or lack thereof) is not my responsibility and not something that I can meaningfully change.

I've been reflecting a bit on the holidays myself. A few years ago, I got so upset and anxious at the prospect of my in-laws coming to town (uninvited) that I sobbed in my own kitchen. I was inconsolable. Then I noticed that every January 2nd, I tended to feel run down and resentful as I retuned to work after New Years Day. A way out of the pattern is to set some boundaries. You may not set them all at once, and that's ok. But perhaps there is one thing you can say know to or an expectation you can reset that will help you to better protect your peace this winter.

Anxiety is a bear. I'm sorry you find yourself in this spot. If you can, try not to take on everything at once. Is there one thing coming up this fall that you can help to go a little more smoothly for yourself?

[Adria]

I'm sorry Liketheducks,

The holidays can be excruciating in these types of situations.  Dh and I stopped doing holidays with relatives years ago.  What a difference it has made for our sanity and all around well-being. We have become very unpopular amongst relatives for doing so, but we weren't that popular anyway because we rarely played by their rules anymore as it never got us any points with them. 

It seems no matter what we do, they find fault. So, we decided to do it our way.  Once we did, we never looked back.  All of a sudden holidays were fun.  Like Headabovewater said, "You do not need anyone's permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself."  It seems no matter what we do, they aren't happy.  If you do what's expected, somehow they let us know we are never enough.  If we do what we want, they let us know we are never enough.  So, dh and I have learned to do more of what we want instead of feeling like we've been steam-rolled. 

You don't need to totally neglect her, but it sounds like you need to start honoring the way you feel comfortable handling things.  We have been programmed to try and please them at the cost of our own well-being or they guilt trip us.  You don't have to take the plunge all at once. You can do what you feel you need to do for her to some degree, and then do the rest that makes you happy.  It is hard to learn that we matter too. Hugs, Adria

[Liketheducks]

Thank you guys.   Yes, we will likely go away.   I don't know where yet....and the thing is, at the moment my brain is less "I GET to go do something fun" and more "I HAVE to leave to keep myself feeling safe."

Sadly, 2 years ago, while my mother was living with my youngest sibling and there was a fight and he took his own life.   Mom didn't pull the trigger, but certainly added to his mental state....because not a holiday goes by without her being the center of major drama.   It took me to becoming an adult to realize that not everyone's family gatherings during the holidays did't involve some kind of fist fight or other equally dramatic event.   So, the holiday is loaded no matter what.   My surviving sibling is completely NC.  To the degree he's told me that when our parents pass, he doesn't want me to tell him (a bit unfair to me, if you ask me, but that seems to be what he needs to feel safer and I'll respect that)  When our sibling passed, Mom blamed herself to some degree I'm sure.   My surviving sibling puts all the blame on her...which from where he sits is fair.  And, mom says my surviving sibling just came out of the womb wrong...he's been the scapegoat his whole life.  He didn't come out of the womb wrong and she raised him. 
 She can't see the impact of her own actions on him.   She's shown up to his work and caused a scene.   It's a mess.   Since his passing, me and my surviving sibling have realized we only have each other.   We've been able to cobble together a relationship of sorts.   I'm pleased that we both have the skills and ability to gently say what we need to AND be able to draw and respect boundaries for each other.   We can't talk politics, we can both say "I'm not available to talk about that, or it's best that we don't engage on this topic".   It is healthier than either of us could have ever expected.   In the event that we don't travel, I would like to share the holidays with him and his family.   She'd be all on her own a few miles away.   OR she'll chose to take the drama to my cousin's family for the holidays.   She's been moving in ever increasing concentric circles of more and more distant family members as we all come Out of the FOG and she runs out of supply.   It's a shit show all together.   

I don't have to fix their relationship...my choosing to engage with my brother, seems to convey a specific choice to my mom (or that is the story in my head).   I do feel sympathy/empathy/guilt/obligation that this woman likely will be all alone for a time of year that is really important to her.   Last Christmas was particularly hard.   I had the objective to provide my brother's widow and daughters a place to be away from their home and time with family.  I made that happen for them.  Mom and surviving bro were both there.  Surviving bro was gracious and up to provide his brother's family with a happy Christmas.   Mom acted like an absolute toddler (following me into the bathroom to ask about meal preparations that she didn't like but I'd already told her how I wanted it handled for this event that I was hosting amongst other things) with me  She also quietly refused to acknowledge her surviving son when he walked in the door (quietly because he turned the other cheek and didn't say anything until months later).   She a pro for hiding her barbs from everyone else.   Again, shit show.